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anyone spending a ridiculous time away from baby's dad?


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  #1  
September 9th, 2011, 11:09 AM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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Location: Sterling Heights, MI
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i know we have military wives here, and my heart goes out to you; i've never experienced such a thing but i hear the tales, and how long your husbands are deployed and i feel for you.
when brand and i met, he lived in SW Detroit, and I in Sterling Heights, which was only about a 40 minute drive. So every few weeks I'd go down and hang with him and his friends and cuddle til 4am because if i haven't said, i felt an instant connection the moment i met him. in fact, i had a date (just a best friend i've known 12 years, not my boyfriend or anything "wrong" that night, and when we kissed at midnight, he got really jealous, lol. he gave me his phone number and we texted like fiends, and then there was the night, may 15-16 where i got pregnant. i'll just go ahead and retell the story. within one week, both of our grandmothers, whom we're both SUPER-close to, fell. His broke her ankle badly, and mine ended up in the hospital and rehab/therapy for months. i went down and took care of my grandma for 3 weeks and it was tough to be away from my two best friends, but when i came back, i had to move way out in the styx to my grandma's. three weeks later, it was decided that he was the only one in his family who was capable of picking up, and moving up to Clio. So, that puts us at 2 hours apart. I went and visited him one last time, the day before his going away party, and didn't know i was pregnant yet. :-/ i really wish i had... i found out 9 mornings later, when i realised that nursing my son was NOT in fact suppressing my periods anymore, and the last 2-3 had been on time-sih, but this one was 2 weeks later. it never, ever, EVER crossed my mind that i could be pregnant, because brandon is 39 and a huge lady's man to put it politely, and he doesn't have kids, nor did he suspect he could. so, i don't need to hear that i should've been using a condom, lol, EVERYone has already told me... what's done is done, and whenever i talk to him now, i thank him for this wonderful little miracle that i didn't know i wanted until it was here. he's never been around kids at ALL and he's warming up to it, and as a guy, he wants a DNA test to be sure, and I won't say anything more about why.... he's sworn a zillion times that we are in this together, as best friends, and that he'll be in the child's life-- either playing dad, or Uncle B. But my point is, even though i can talk to him pretty much anytime i want to, it hurts sooooo bad to not be able to see him. i am NOT in love with him, but we do love one another and are crazy about each other. every time i talk to him he asks when i can come visit, and i feel bad cos i can't. both of us have suspecnded licenses at the moment-- him for unpaid parking tickets, and me because my brakes failed and they gave me a ticket anyway and i'm flat broke; can't pay $400, you kidding me?

how do you cope with being away from someone who's come to mean so much to you?? I'm so sad all the time, and my parents refused to let me use their car, whether i put gas in it or not, even before i lost my license last month.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #2  
September 9th, 2011, 11:16 AM
Lovemykiddos!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You can have my SO, ill donate him to you.
With my 1st husband, he was a marine, and so he was gone every 6 months and the 6 months he was home he would be gone for 2-3 weeks at a time every month for training. So I almost never saw him. I hated it. Now I want it back lol. I would love it if my wonderful husband would go away most times! But my daughter loves daddy and claims to miss him when he is at work lol so I let him stay. Im not sure how to get through your problem, but be happy that he is in ur life at all and wants to be a part of the babys life
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  #3  
September 9th, 2011, 11:19 AM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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oh i agree with the last part-- i'm totally used to dads who walk out when their mental abusive gets too much for me and i leave. it's BS. none of my kids have dads, but they have wonderful grandpas and uncles, at least.
i know brand will never leave me alone-- i mean, as much as you can know about a person you've only known since new years.
thanks for the reply.

my older two-- their dad is in harrisburg, 500 miles away, and though he's been to detroit TWICE since, he hasn't bothered to call, visit, or send presents/call for their birthdays.. they don't think much of him, as they're old enough at 5 and 8, to realise that daddies are supposed to be with their babies.... and nick's dad moved and changed his number while i was taking care of my grandparents in FL--mere DAYS after wasting hours on the phone with me, begging me to come back. what is THAT?? he still has a good chunk of my stuff and my parents' dressers, and he threw away my hammock and their daybed. he owes u big and though i have his email, frankly i don't care to ever see him again. plus, nick was to be my last child. i can only imagine what kind of fit will hit the shan if he were to discover i'm pregnant.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #4  
September 9th, 2011, 11:29 AM
marinewife0702's Avatar proud first time mama
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Well, I spent almost a year away from DH (when we were just starting to date) while he was in bootcamp/MOS school/training. I went to visit im once a month from feb-april. I literally couldnt take the distance anymore around may and literally packed up everything I owned and moved to be with him in june. We were married 2 weeks later. Its all about keeping busy when you miss your man. If you want to be with him, then go if you have the chance. I wish I could have gone with him on deployment too lol. That was the longest 9 months of my LIFEEEE!!!!!
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  #5  
September 9th, 2011, 11:31 AM
hoping4more
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovemykiddos! View Post
Im not sure how to get through your problem, but be happy that he is in ur life at all and wants to be a part of the babys life


My hubby is a farmer, and though he is not out to sea for months at a time he works soo much that we do barely see each other. It's actually harder I think because not only do I have all the house inside and out to care for, plus all the children. I still have to clean up after him also, he doesn't pick up after himself very often... so he's not here, but his mess is

He works every day from end March till mid November.. not kidding EVERYday. He also works min. 12 hours right now everyday, and starting end of the month this will increase. He will leave the same time we all get up and won't be home til the kids are in bed soon. Mostly because of night time hayrides they do. They have to stay there until 10pm when the last tickits are sold then stay to give rides to the people who have the tickits, then clean up starts. Then home shower bed, start all over the next day. Right now he gets home around 7:30 at night eats, showers, and usually goes to bed. So I don't get to talk to him much.

I guess I can say I know what you mean about being able to talk to him, but not spend the time with him. It's really hard, but it is only a season and then it will pass, and things will get better. Hang in there.
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  #6  
September 9th, 2011, 11:51 AM
Kitusne's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My SO is away at college, and will be for the next three years (maybe 7 if he does not get into med school here). We have a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs... It is really hard being emotional and hormonal, and just being "ok" with being apart.

I really don't know what the future will hold. I'm -not- the military wife type. Some women are more ok with being alone than others... I suppose all I can say is make the best of what one has at the moment, and wait and see how feelings and desires evolve.
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  #7  
September 9th, 2011, 02:05 PM
MuffinMama's Avatar First Time Mama :)
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Though I'm not a military wife or anything like that, my SO and I rarely see each other. Between his crazy schedule and my 2 jobs and school, neither of us are around so much. We spend weeks away from each other at times and it's so difficult to pretend it isn't as hard as it is. But he always tells me, part of me is always there with you, part of me never left. Maybe that sounds cheesy, but it helps. If anything, the baby is always here so I'm never truly alone.
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  #8  
September 9th, 2011, 02:30 PM
feythful's Avatar Proud Dec '13 DDC Co-host
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I have absolutely no input except to say that I love how honest and straight-forward you are! First of all, I don't think it's anyone's business to tell you that you should have used a condom. It's not like they're going to have to care for and raise the kids...condom or not. Secondly, I don't think anyone should judge him for wanting a DNA test. They don't know his reasons and once again, it's not their business. While I understand that for some, it might show a lack of trust, there are other reasons for wanting it done. For example, in my state, if the father and mother are not married, the father must have a paternity test done to be place on the birth certificate or for the baby to take his last name. and I hope you find a solution that works for you soon!
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  #9  
September 9th, 2011, 03:37 PM
JTsquared's Avatar Co-Host of Feb 2012 PR
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My heart breaks for all of you. DH and I have never had to spend time apart. When we were dating, he lived 11 minutes away and we spent many nights at each others' houses. We spent basically all of our free time together. And we still do. We love more than anything to just be with each other. I've never been able to be with someone this much and still stand them, let alone love them! I think staying close amongst the distance proves how strong your relationships are! And you will truly treasure your time together when it finally happens.
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  #10  
September 9th, 2011, 03:58 PM
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I feel for all of you ladies....

I am not a army wife or anything but my hubby does travel a ridiculous amount and is away from M-F for work (overnight) so I only see him weekends. Between the kids' events, school, soccer, being pregnant, I am pretty exhausted...I only get a break on weekends and even then it isn't much of one considering my hubby is tired too.....I hate it, but it allows me to stay home!
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  #11  
September 9th, 2011, 04:16 PM
daneeleigh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Me and D are both in the Navy and it makes having a relationship extremely difficult. D was pretty much out to sea all of August and I work nights and he works days. D was supposed to go on deployment the month the baby was due but luckily it got pushed back six months and D will be coming off the ship then. Yay.
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  #12  
September 9th, 2011, 04:31 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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marissa-- gorgeous name, similar to my daughter's so of course i'm partial to it-- i absolutely have no chance, because both of our driver's licenses were suspended over riDICulous crap. mine with be reinstated within the month, however my parents refuse to let me take their cars. i don't understand why they are being so cruel to me in a time like this whn i need him so much. but you did give me the idea to ask my mom if she could tka em up some time. i doubt she will. last told i told her that the only thing in the world i wanted was a hug from brand, she said, "well, i want a hug from my husband too." reeeeeeally mom? how sensitive of you. go on downstairs and give your husband a hug while i wit hear weeping about hoe badly i miss this man.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #13  
September 9th, 2011, 04:52 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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i say that too, muffin mom-- "at least i have brando jr. kickin away at me." i have a part of him inside of me and that connection can never be broken, even if god forbid we had a stillbirth.


he said he'd send me a t-shirt, and i'm going to send him a pillow i made. it doesn't help, but it's nice to have.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #14  
September 9th, 2011, 06:21 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feythful View Post
I have absolutely no input except to say that I love how honest and straight-forward you are! First of all, I don't think it's anyone's business to tell you that you should have used a condom. It's not like they're going to have to care for and raise the kids...condom or not. Secondly, I don't think anyone should judge him for wanting a DNA test. They don't know his reasons and once again, it's not their business. While I understand that for some, it might show a lack of trust, there are other reasons for wanting it done. For example, in my state, if the father and mother are not married, the father must have a paternity test done to be place on the birth certificate or for the baby to take his last name. and I hope you find a solution that works for you soon!
thank you. i seem to be too much for some people, so it is refreshing to hear that. and you're right, it's nobody's business whether i used protection when i thought he couldn't have kids. but nobody will get off my back about it... and yrrrrp, i have to put my husband's name on my kid's birth certificates, which really sucks and hurts.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #15  
September 9th, 2011, 06:32 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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oh danielle, bless you (and DH too) for being a navywoman, and thank GOD that it looks like you'll be together for birth. i'm terrified that brandon won't be there. i know i'm strong wnough to do it on my own, and my mom is always in the room too, and my 5-yr-old WANTS to be but him being two hrs away is kinda what ruins it-- my daughter was born in 30 minutes, and my boys were born within 5 minutes of one another, each approx. 2-1/2 hrs. i have all my birth stories in the april 2006 playroom birthstory subforum if anyone's interested. think i'm gonna go reminisce.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #16  
September 9th, 2011, 07:42 PM
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Location: Kentucky
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My husband started a job out of state (13 hours away!) one week before we found out I was pregnant!

It has been crazy difficult being a single mom & working & dealing with the house and all that. Because I haven't been able to find a job up there, and I can't go without insurance, it looks like I'll be here until the baby is born. It's pretty hard! We only see each other once a month right now.
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  #18  
September 10th, 2011, 05:41 AM
feythful's Avatar Proud Dec '13 DDC Co-host
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justjaQ View Post
thank you. i seem to be too much for some people, so it is refreshing to hear that. and you're right, it's nobody's business whether i used protection when i thought he couldn't have kids. but nobody will get off my back about it... and yrrrrp, i have to put my husband's name on my kid's birth certificates, which really sucks and hurts.

Even if he gets a paternity test? If you tell them you are separated and you have a paternity test, you should be able to put Brand's name on it. Now sure who you could talk to about that...maybe legal aid?
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  #19  
September 10th, 2011, 04:13 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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sandycane, i'm sorry.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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  #20  
September 10th, 2011, 04:19 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
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Location: Sterling Heights, MI
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feythful View Post
Even if he gets a paternity test? If you tell them you are separated and you have a paternity test, you should be able to put Brand's name on it. Now sure who you could talk to about that...maybe legal aid?
i have to put my ex's name until i get the dna test. i won't risk a prenatal dna test, so i have no choice. michigan law; ridiculous.
nick has my "husband's" name on his birth certificate, and with the way things are going between his father and I (he, out of the blue, two days after begging me to take him back after 3 years of mental abuse, moved and changed his number.) i don't know that i'll ever change that.
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msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child


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