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Dh and I (vent about $)


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  #1  
September 12th, 2011, 05:50 PM
sarha81's Avatar First-time Mommy to Jake
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Location: NY
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are fighting over baby medical bills. Sigh.

may I vent ladies? I would love some advice ...

background: Dh and I have always kept our money separate since we got married 2 years ago. He doesn't like how I "online bank". I give him a chunk of cash (all I can without going into debt) each month for our bills, but he is the bread winner and carries 2/3 of the household burden.

issue: We had a $45 bill come from the lab and then a $200 bill from the dr. office. Both were getting past due, so I paid the $45 this a.m. and approached DH about each of us putting $50 toward the dr. bill for now. I thought that was reasonable!

Word for word, his response, "The school tax bill is due, so sure you can have $50 and you can give me half the tax bill, $1,200." He then listed all the bills he has to pay this month and when I told him this child is both of ours and I refuse to get stuck paying all the dr. bills, he called me a "child."
(side note: DH didn't wear his face protection during his last hockey game and got his eye spit open — a $250 ER bill! who is the child? grrr. but I bite my tongue!)

I will not partake in communication with DH when he calls me names. I walked away after pointing out the name calling and how it was getting us nowhere fast.

I'd love to resolve this, but what do I say to him? I wish I had more cash to give. I wish I could cutback somewhere.

He promised we could afford this baby. That we'd find a way. I am just so annoyed at him, at money, at insurance. UGH
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  #2  
September 12th, 2011, 06:15 PM
.ingrid.'s Avatar TTC #2 on clomid
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This is a tough one, because SO and I don't separate our incomes, although, I don't make much at the moment because I've moved to his city and no one wants to employ an expecting woman. I guess because SO earns a fair bit, he was never bothered by me not working and has always said that his money is my money.
A lot of people choose to keep their money separate. My parents are still doing it after nearly 50 years of marriage, how ever, I see it being a heck of a lot easier by combining it and having a 'whats yours is mine and what's mine is yours' mentality.
when there has been times where I was earning good money in the past, I was more than happy combining, but it's not for every one.
I guess all you can do is keep reminding him that your marriage combines you both and some times bills don't allow for left over cash. Either way, those bills have to get paid so if some one has to fork out more, so be it, it's just money.. If it were myself, I'd start calmly and slowly mentioning that bank accounts can be separate, but marriages cannot.. You've gotta work together
Hope he lightens up a bit!
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  #3  
September 12th, 2011, 06:21 PM
ovramirez27's Avatar Super Mommy
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I really don't know what to say but that I hope it works out. My DH and I put our money into the same checking and since he is better with bills he writes mostly all the checks, I may depends if he got to it or not. We tried the separate thing when we first got married but it did not work as well, this way we never argue about money. We just watch what we spend and I tell him before I put a charge on our card. I hope this helps a bit good luck and try not to stress baby and you need to stay healthy..
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  #4  
September 12th, 2011, 06:30 PM
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i would try not to stress over the medical bills to much
as long you as make an attempt to send them money each month they can't send the bill to collection
so i try to send atleast $5 a month to all the medical bills i get in the mail
and month when you have extra then send extra but i dont stress over medical bills anymore... espically after baby is born diapers/wipes and formula will be more important then medical bills

but men are big babies when they think they are right
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  #5  
September 12th, 2011, 07:34 PM
jensma's Avatar Katie: mommy to Ty & Em
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i dont' technically work and dh makes the money around here...he pays the bills, pays when we go to dinner, stuff like that but i still have separate money from his. When we had tyler he paid it all...at the time we had a HSA that we paid a lot of it out of, so he never saw that, but when he lost his job we were still paying some of those bills and he has been paying them since. I have asked him what we do when he gets older and is in activities and stuff...guess he'll pay then too. IDK i don't care so much that we have separate accounts esp since really we live off of his money.
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  #6  
September 12th, 2011, 11:27 PM
akicequeen02's Avatar Super Mommy
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Wow. This is a hard one. Dh and I have always had a joint account. He tried to keep his own account the first year we were married but it was always over drawn and since I pay the bills it just didn't work. I made him close it. Our relationship and money has gone pretty well. He was the main provider while I was in school and now I am the main provider and he is in school. We traded off a couple years ago. I do get a little frustrated because there are more funds now then before so he asks less about spending money- which on one hand is fine because the money is there but on the other hand we do have debt and I would like to pay more on some bills but can't because he is a "I want it now" spender.

I think in your situation I agree with the other girls that you have to approach it as a marriage issue. And even though the bill is in your name it is to the greater good of the health of both of your child that you happen to be growing.

Hopefully he can be more understanding. Good luck!
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  #7  
September 13th, 2011, 04:47 AM
HonestMamma's Avatar Bish!
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Honestly? I think you guys should set up a joint account for medical bills for the baby if this is how he's going to be. You two are MARRIED, and despite having seperate accounts, your credit is joined. Does he REALLY want to default on bills and ruin his credit over squablling over money with you? If he really wanted to be "fair", he would pay 2/3 of the bills while you pay 1/3 since he brings in 2/3 of the money. THAT is fair.

Just because the baby is in your uterus doesn't mean it isn't his responsibility. While I think it's ok to have seperate money when you can agree on what get's paid by whom, if you can't seem to agree, it seems that your seperate money situation needs to change.
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  #8  
September 13th, 2011, 04:57 AM
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DH have seperate accounts, we plan on combining when we find a free moment. But for now I make the money so i pay the bills, he does groceries and pays his cell phone. I cant wait till they are combined though so it doesnt feel like we have seperate bills. When I was only part time, he paid all the bills. Its pretty equal based on how much each of us can contribute. Sorry you are having trouble, money arguments are the worst.
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  #9  
September 13th, 2011, 06:25 AM
Lovemykiddos!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im not sure what advice could be given that hasn't already been said. We too share our bank acct, but that's cuz DH is terrible with money. He spends what he wants and doesn't even think about bills that r due. So I made him close his acct that he had when we were together and added him to mine.
With him, I pay all the bills he understands unless he wants an argument that he spends nothing till I have cleared all the checks for bills. Once everything adds up and everything is paid for the month I let him get whatever he is begging me for (he is a lot like our 10 year I want I want I want lol)
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  #10  
September 13th, 2011, 06:32 AM
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With my ex-h, we started out with separate accounts but it caused a lot of conflict with who pays what and whose responsibility it is, and who ends up paying more than the other, etc. So we combined all the money and it seemed to solve those problems.

Still, I kind of like having my own acct, so with my current DH we decided to maintain separate accounts, but have one joint account for all joint and household expenses. Each of us contributes half of our income to that account (we make almost exactly the same, but if one of us were to make more, we would contribute more) and all joint expenses get paid out of there, which would include baby expenses. That way there is no conflict about who pays which bill and whose responsibility it is. Maybe you could do something like that, so that you don't have to ask each other for money and have tension over the appearance of inequality, but can still maintain separate accounts.

Good luck. I know money fights can be terrible.

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  #11  
September 13th, 2011, 07:05 AM
sarha81's Avatar First-time Mommy to Jake
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<3 Thank you ladies for listening and offering advice! Seems like the only solution is to convince DH it's time to combine our cash unless he is willing to start viewing these bills as OUR bills. He did make peace last night by making me a brownie sundae, but we didn't talk anymore about it. I'm feeling the weight of this issue today like a brick on my chest. <3
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  #12  
September 13th, 2011, 07:06 AM
feythful's Avatar Proud Dec '13 DDC Co-host
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Money is such a tough subject in marriage. It caused a ton of problems at the beginning because DH insisted that I pay half of the bills even though I made 1/2 of what he did. We have separate accounts (that will change soon since I don't work) that we put a certain amount in to spend on whatever we want and then a joint account for the household expenses. It made things way easier when he could see exactly how much my contribution was...

You need to talk about this (when he can without name calling) since technically, it's a matter of trust not so much money. The good news is that most medical offices (especially the ER) will negotiate on a payment plan as long as you're paying something on it each month!
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  #13  
September 13th, 2011, 10:15 AM
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Money is hard. My SO and I are not married, but have decided exactly how we were going to share slipt or money, so there is no grey zone where we could disagree. We recently bought a house and agreed to open a joint account for bills related to the house and our family, but also have seperate accounts for my shopping sprees and his golf and hockey equipment.

The only advise I would give you is, once you and dh have come down, to have a talk and make everything clear so there's no confusion in the future. Good luck!
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  #14  
September 13th, 2011, 11:18 AM
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I can't really offer any new advice but I just think it's a problem in general when both partners have separate accounts and money, I'm kinda in a similar boat except I'm in Canada so atleast I don't have to wory about the medical bills, my dh did cover most of all our living expences but all of dd expences have always fallen on me ( I didn't mind though because I know he payed the rent and utilities) all I had to pay was for dd, food for the house and for the car and insurance it was fine but still alittle fusturating because of our income differences I have next to no money for my self and dh has all this extra money to blow on stuff he wants.
But now my mat leave pay is ending and I still haven't been able to find a place to hire me so I am out 1000/ month and even though he knows I can't do it I'm having a hard time getting him to help out
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  #15  
September 13th, 2011, 12:55 PM
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That is tough. It is hard for me to place since dh and I also pool our resources and I pretty much handle all the banking. Do you have the money to spare? Does he? I you both do then I would say split it. Or maybe a more fair thing to do would be to split it usuig the same ratio your income contributes to the household income? Like if you make 40% of the total income and he makes 60%, split it 40/60. Is that the way you approach the rest of the bills?

I back you 100% on the name calling and the fact that you should both be paying for it since it is your child you made together. But, at the same time you all are in a partnership, and if one can't afford it the other should be there to pick up the slack.
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  #16  
September 13th, 2011, 01:01 PM
sarha81's Avatar First-time Mommy to Jake
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kumagorou View Post
I can't really offer any new advice but I just think it's a problem in general when both partners have separate accounts and money, I'm kinda in a similar boat except I'm in Canada so atleast I don't have to wory about the medical bills, my dh did cover most of all our living expences but all of dd expences have always fallen on me ( I didn't mind though because I know he payed the rent and utilities) all I had to pay was for dd, food for the house and for the car and insurance it was fine but still alittle fusturating because of our income differences I have next to no money for my self and dh has all this extra money to blow on stuff he wants.
But now my mat leave pay is ending and I still haven't been able to find a place to hire me so I am out 1000/ month and even though he knows I can't do it I'm having a hard time getting him to help out
I think if I start paying for baby medical bills, it will lead to me paying for baby, period. That's a scary thought. Bless you for taking on those costs. I hope your DH realizes your income situation has changed and you can figure out some other arrangement. Hugs!
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  #17  
September 13th, 2011, 01:07 PM
sarha81's Avatar First-time Mommy to Jake
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *krista* View Post
That is tough. It is hard for me to place since dh and I also pool our resources and I pretty much handle all the banking. Do you have the money to spare? Does he? I you both do then I would say split it. Or maybe a more fair thing to do would be to split it usuig the same ratio your income contributes to the household income? Like if you make 40% of the total income and he makes 60%, split it 40/60. Is that the way you approach the rest of the bills?

I back you 100% on the name calling and the fact that you should both be paying for it since it is your child you made together. But, at the same time you all are in a partnership, and if one can't afford it the other should be there to pick up the slack.
Thanks for backing me. Yeah, we're both broke. I give him every cent I can. I know this because I end up putting the groceries on my credit card at the end of a pay period.

As for a ratio, I make a salary, DH makes a salary + biz profits which change quarter to quarter. Sometimes his biz profits are 2Xs his salary. His salary is twice mine alone.

Money sucks.
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  #18  
September 13th, 2011, 02:43 PM
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If you guys want to keep separate accounts it seems reasonable to me to have a joint accept for household bills and separate accounts for the rest. Like figure out what percentage of your total income would cover all the bills, then take that percentage out of each of your paychecks to put in the joint account. Of course it could get complicated with unexpected expenses...

Have you ever approached the subject of pooling your income? I certainly don't think it is the only way to run household finances, but it seems to be the most simplistic if separate accounts are causing problems.
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