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  #1  
September 22nd, 2011, 11:31 PM
akicequeen02's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Alaska
Posts: 973
First I will apologize for not posting much this week. Been stalking but will hopefully get caught up tomorrow.

Anyways. My mom tonight INFORMED me that she will be coming over to stay with us and "help out" for the first few days after the baby is born. My mom is not my favorite person. I usually see her once a month for no more then 3 hours and leave irritated by that point. She told me tonight that she did this with my sister (who lived in a different state at the time, currently mom lives 30 min away from me) so she would do the same with me. When I tried to tell her no thanks we would be fine and have plenty of support here (live in duplex with FIL) she pretty much tried to make it clear that it wasn't a choice. Like excuse me??? If I say no. That means no. It wasn't like an offer "of you need me I can..." it was a statement of what she thinks she is going to do. I told dh and he was pissed (they have never seen him pissed, he is usually very laid back). He will set her straight but I am sure it will be drama and mom will play victim like she always does.

Is it mean of me to want my own time with my new baby and husband? I realize it is going to be busy but we have been through 3 surgeries in the past 2 years and survived being up in the middle of the night for pain meds and assist to the bathroom without her... Why all of the sudden do I need her help??

Ugh. I know this is going to be very dramatic when the sh@$ hits the fan. Anyone else have mother problems?
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  #2  
September 23rd, 2011, 12:04 AM
.ingrid.'s Avatar TTC #2 on clomid
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 917
I don't have these issues, but because I live away from my friends and family, I've had many ask about when I'd like them to come and stay.
My friends and family aren't invasive BUT I have made it relatively clear that SO and I want atleast 2 weeks to settle in to a routine before visitors arrive.
They've accepted that
Just voice what you want, mamma!!
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  #3  
September 23rd, 2011, 12:10 AM
BrittanyLBH's Avatar (Formerly DueFeb2012)
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 1,970
I went through a similar situation. I have no relationship with my birth mother. She started leaving me with my paternal grandparents when I was 3 months old and I'd stay with them at least 6-7 months out of the year without so much as a phone call from 3 months until high school. I consider them my parents completely and have no relationship with her. She up and decides (even though we haven't even spoken in almost a year) that she will be at the hospital when this baby is born, whether I like it or not. There was SO much drama when I said that she wasn't welcome, but it boils down to my baby, my choice.

Your baby, yours. I'm sorry if you catch any hell, but ultimately, you have to do what you know is best for your family and everyone else will get over it. =]
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  #4  
September 23rd, 2011, 12:31 AM
daneeleigh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 6,647
Ugh, you have my mother lol! My mom lives across the country and this is her first grandchild. I basically have been put on stand by that she is going to smother the kid while she's here. Her and my cousin are both doing this. At first they wanted to come at the same time and I put my foot down on this. So my mom is coming the first two weeks, then my cousin is coming for God knows how long after that. I'm never going to have a minute to myself in my house with my baby. Oh, and my cousin named herself the child's Godmother without me ever saying she was. Huh? I'm the Godmother of one of her kids but she still asked me. I didn't name myself that lol. I'm having to pick my battles on what to stress over. My mother and me have a great relationship but we fight all the time when we're around each other. She takes advantage of me completely but puts a guilt trip on me and plays the victim when I don't allow her to do it.
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  #5  
September 23rd, 2011, 01:01 AM
Lovemykiddos!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Ulysses, NE
Posts: 8,341
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Im sorry about ur mother issues!! I had to ban all my inlaws from my house and the hospital! Especially my mother in law, that sounds similar likes to play the victim.....stand ur ground!!
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  #6  
September 23rd, 2011, 01:13 AM
isaroo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 2,168
My mom lives a few streets over, but she isn't my issue. I grew up with her, we bicker, we move on, not a big deal. When she had me and my sister, my grandma came for a few weeks, did everything around the house and let my mom and dad do all the baby stuff. My mom loved that grandma gave them time to learn to be parents without worrying about what was for dinner, etc and will do that for us also. My issue, is my mother in law, she is refusing to give us a few weeks alone with baby to get settled. And so far, she thinks every thing I've done this pregnancy, including quit smoking, is wrong or unnecessary. I can only imagine how much she would infringe on important bonding time.

Good luck with your mom. I totally understand
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  #7  
September 23rd, 2011, 02:24 AM
RandE's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,027
Sorry about your mom. My mom and I don't exactly see eye to eye either but luckily things have been tolerable with her. I get annoyed when she tells me what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. But that's life I guess.

For example- it was her idea not to tell anyone about my pregnancy on fb.
- she made it clear that I was not to tell anyone the gender of my baby.
- she has even tried naming him. Told me grudgingly that I was allowed to name this one, but the next one I have she gets to name.... ummmm yeah right. -eye roll-

I just shrug it off and try not to let it bother me.

Even if your mom plays the victim in this situation- telling her how you feel is a good thing. You should make it clear that you have boundaries and she is expected to respect them. GL!
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  #8  
September 23rd, 2011, 06:04 AM
marinewife0702's Avatar proud first time mama
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,906
I would honestly just tell her thank you for her offer but you and your husband would like to start off on your own and if you need her you will let her know. My mother in law is coming down and staying with us only because hotels around here are really expensive and my own mom wont be able to be here when baby is born
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  #9  
September 23rd, 2011, 06:43 AM
feythful's Avatar Proud Dec '13 DDC Co-host
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 4,923
Ugh. I'm sorry. My mom and I get along pretty well, but her offers to come stay with us have started tension around her. She tries to be helpful when she's here, but doesn't know where anything is or how to turn things on, so things get halfway done. Like when she was here, she threw clothes in the dryer and never turned it on. I assumed Jeff had thrown them in the dryer and I was very upset to find musty clothes a day later...She is going to drive me nuts telling me what to do and how even though we made it through with Emily without any help.

As for my MIL, Jeff has cut off most contact with her. Last time, we didn't invite her in for the birth since she lives so far away and we never knew when I was going into labor. She assumes she'll be invited since this time it will be a scheduled c-section. Nope. Last time she came in at 2 weeks when I was still having complications from surgery and complained that the house was dirty, I wasn't cooking, etc... I'm really hoping she can't come in for a while with this one.
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  #10  
September 23rd, 2011, 07:39 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,648
I live relatively close to all of my family, so nobody has to stay. My sister is always one to come by and clean if I need her and my mom is my daycare for DS and will be for this one too and they both know how much getting some alone time with your baby means. Im even glad DH is only taking off like a week, I really just want a long time with the baby, DS at moms, DH at work and me and my baby, figuring out breast feeding, sleeping, bonding. In a quiet house. Sounds amazing!
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  #11  
September 23rd, 2011, 09:02 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 18,997
my mom actually lives with me so of course she will be here all the time lol
but im used to it now bc she has lived with us for a few years now
it will be a big help having her helping getting the other kids ready for school in the morning and helping keeping my house clean

my sisters all live really close so im sure they will be here and there to help but i know they wont complain or hover over me and give me the space i need

good luck with everyone having issues hope everything turns out well
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  #12  
September 23rd, 2011, 09:16 AM
jensma's Avatar Katie: mommy to Ty & Em
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,928
i felt this way after i had tyler, i really just wanted us to have our alone time. My mom did come (she also lives 30 min away) and helped a few days but i love my mom, she's really helpful, she brought food, made lunch, cleaned, and watched the baby while i took a nap. She was especially helpful after DH had to go back to work. But i would be pissed if someone told me they were coming to stay with me. uh, no you're not. nice try. esp if i couldn't stand being around her for even a day. Its totally normal for first time mom especially to just want her family time alone. Nothing wrong with that. Hope your DH is able to set her straight.
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  #13  
September 23rd, 2011, 09:34 AM
katylady's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3,420
The issue I have is with my MIL. It sounds like she wants to invite everyone in while I'm in labor. Everyone is my sister-in-laws. Umm I don't think so. I don't want everyone seeing me while I'm in labor, just not going to happen.

I invited her to my free u/s and she had her boyfriend tag along. I'm too nice of a person and didn't say anything but if she's not careful, she's not going to know until after baby is born that baby IS born. Plus, since her 2 daughters have had 5 kids inbetween them she thinks she knows everything about the hospital policies. But they have changed and people aren't allowed to visit until after the baby is born. We're allotted 4 bracelets, one for mom and dad of baby and then 2 extra. I was planning on giving her a bracelet but I don't think so anymore.

And when I brought it up to my DH and told him he needs to back me up, He told me he didn't know what I was talking about and that his mom wouldn't do that. I'm sure if she says anything infront of him it would be different but I didn't even catch on to what she was saying until after she had left.

Good Luck Girly, Stick your Ground. I know I will be!
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  #14  
September 23rd, 2011, 11:09 AM
Coby Jaylen Aubriya mom
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 837
i understand what you mean, that's a very intimate bonding time for your new little family. i wouldnt want my mom there either.
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  #15  
September 23rd, 2011, 11:09 AM
jennybunny82's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Fort Benning, GA
Posts: 1,740
I'm sorry about your issues with your mom...

I really don't know how my mom would be if she was around. (she passed away 3 years ago) But I have my MIL who may be coming to stay with us. I actually look forward to it. When she has come to visit, she doesn't interfere in the way we raise our son. My son is 19 months old and NEVER had anyone watch him other than DH or I. I think it will be nice to FINALLY have a night alone. But that's wishful thinking... I actually want her to come stay. I say that now... who knows how I'll feel after the baby is born.
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  #16  
September 23rd, 2011, 11:32 AM
akicequeen02's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Alaska
Posts: 973
It is so frustrating. I was trying to tell her no and she just wasn't giving me a choice. I just told her I was not having this conversation now and that is how it ended. How can someone think they can just do something without giving the other GROWN person a choice? Long story but she hasn't been a good support for me for a very long time...

It sounds like some of your moms or MIL might be helpful but my mom would not be. She would get on my last nerve and I KNOW she would say something rude or degrading to DH about something (probably having to do with baby or diapers) and he would loose it. That is not how I want to spend those days worrying about interactions and what she might do/say to piss him or me off.

Ugh. Things like this make me also stressed about having a little girl!!! I don't want my relationship with her to be ANYTHING like how my relationship is with my mom. I am constantly telling baby that I will always support her in her choices and be there for her when she needs me.
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  #17  
September 23rd, 2011, 01:14 PM
mommys munchkin's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 199
I've cut off contacts with MIL since she did stuff behind my back. I hear
She plans to come over but I will make sure she doesn't. I don't think anyones life should be controlled by another person, lets take control and put our feet down
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  #18  
September 23rd, 2011, 01:27 PM
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 4,303
I totally want/insist upon some major family bonding time without a lot of lengthy visits after we have a baby. I cherish that time together, and I would not be ok with any one, even my parents, intruding upon it. I hope she.xan come to understand and respect your point of view without too much drama. This must be so stressful for you to have her ignore your wishes like that.
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  #19  
September 23rd, 2011, 06:47 PM
katiebug02's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 3,143
My mom only lives about 15 minutes away and is never intrusive when we have a new baby. She does not get on my nerves at all because she does not step out of bounds and is respectful of our family time. She's there when I need her. This baby things will be different though, because she is moving out of state. I'm not sure if she will be able to come or not. I don't mind doing things on my own so it's not too terrible. I just like being able to show my babies off and letting family get to enjoy some of the excitement too.
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  #20  
September 23rd, 2011, 07:42 PM
Bella11356's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 819
I have no MIL or FIL, both my SO's parents have passed away. So it's only my family. My mom may come everyday, but she lives so close there is no need for her to stay the night. Her and my SO don't get along the best, but it would prob be fine...if she wanted to sleep on the couch! The extra bed and furniture is being sold to empty out the nursery...

I may actually want her to come because my SO is a work-a-holic, so I don't see him taking any time off..maybe a day or two...

I would just stand up to her and tell her nicely, "thanks but no thanks, I want some time with my family, I'm sure you can understand that."

I may have to do this with my mom, we haven't discussed it yet...I'm still battling for my SO to be at the baby shower, so im sure this issue is next...
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