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I don't know what to do....


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  #1  
September 30th, 2011, 01:33 PM
Capns Girl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: United States
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I have a friend, who I really do love to pieces, but is driving me crazy. I don't know how to make things not seem funny between us right now. Here's a little back story. She was pregnant and due 3 weeks after me. She miscarried her baby about 2 months ago. It was awful, and she's still pretty down about it....understandably. She has 2 little boys right now and she was really hoping for a little girl. It took her 2 years to get pregnant this round and it devastated her when she found out she was losing this baby.

My problem, and I'm hoping I don't sound petty for this, is that I won't talk to her about my pregnancy. But she brings it up ALL the time. I know she has a problem with me being pregnant, and I'm ok with that. I don't want to talk about it with her. When I do, again because she brought it up, she cries. And it always leads to her talking about her loss, and it makes me feel horrible, because if we hadn't been talking about my baby, she wouldn't have been thinking about hers. I've tried changing the subject, but she won't let it go. I dread it when she calls me, thankfully she lives a few hours away so I don't see her that often.

I don't know if she finds comfort in it or if its just some sort of twisted torture she brings on herself. I don't know what to do. I know that some of you ladies have experienced things like this and I'm hoping for some insite.
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  #2  
September 30th, 2011, 01:46 PM
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This is hard, I don't like those situations. I'm so sorry you're going thru that.

Maybe she needs to hear you talk about your pregnancy as part of her mourn? She knows deep down that she's ought to be happy for you, and that her problem with you being pregnant is wrong, but can't help it because of her loss. Maybe she feels like like the more you talk about it, the more she'll get use to it ?

I have a friend who's been TTC for a while now, while for us, we conceived first try. She was honest with me and told me she was deeply happy for me, while being a little jaelous in the same time. Like you said, it's understandable.

I hope time will make her pregnant again!
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  #3  
September 30th, 2011, 01:53 PM
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Sounds to me like she wants to get her emotions out, and she's using you to do it, probably because you were pregnant at the same time. I would make sure she knew that it makes you uncomfortable to talk about your pregnancy because you don't want to Hurt her feelings or upset her.
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  #4  
September 30th, 2011, 02:03 PM
jensma's Avatar Katie: mommy to Ty & Em
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Location: Texas
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that is so hard, and i'm really sorry. It doesn't sound to me like there's much you can do, she has to deal with it on her side of things and stop bringing it up.

My step sister in law was less than ecstatic when we told her we were having another baby. she held it together and acted happy but i know she's envious. They've been ttc for years now but there isn't anything i can do to change the situation. I'd just continue to do what you're doing and not bring it up. And just try and be supportive of her. I've been in her shoes and it is tough but i never brought it up either...i lost my first baby after a year of trying at the same time my sister in laws sister got pregnant, so i saw her whole pregnancy go by...it was sad but i was still legitimately happy for her and with time i did get over it. And then fortunately i did get pregnant about 7 months later so the kids are 6 months apart.
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  #5  
September 30th, 2011, 02:11 PM
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I've never had a loss, but from the ladies I know who have, it seems talking about it with a good friend is a positive thing. If you avoid the subject it makes the pregnancy seem illegitimate in your eyes, if that makes sense. Think about if you lost a child. As horrific as that may be, would you want to never talk about the child again? If everyone avoided the topic, would it make you feel like they have forgotten the memory of your child? I know it is a little different since you never knew this child, but the idea is the same -- she went through a lot of pain and is still mourning, and probably wants to know that others haven't forgotten her loss.

Again, I have never experienced this first hand and everyone handles it a little differently. I probably didn't do it justice, but I have heard this type of explanation come from mommies of angels. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, don't try to avoid the topic thinking doing so will keep her from experiencing the pain of remembering her loss. She is going to remember it regardless of whether you talk about it, and it is nice for her to know she doesn't have to carry the burden of the pain alone. She has a good friend who she can talk to and remember with.
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  #6  
September 30th, 2011, 03:24 PM
.ingrid.'s Avatar TTC #2 on clomid
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Is actually did happen with my best friend and I. She was supposed to be due 2-3 weeks after me, but she miscarried when I was around 11 weeks. It was devistating, especially because we both found out and told each other SO early. We'd been talking pregnancy for a good month!
The day she called, to tell me she had miscarried, was awful. But we talked about it, there and then.. For however long it took to get her feelings out! At the end of it, I'm sure she was exhausted from talking about it.

Maybe it'd be best if you said to your friend.. Right, let's get it all out on the table, everything out.. Until you can't talk no more! Promise to still love each other very much after the call too.
Cross your fingers and hope that by you asking her to get it all out, is enough to keep her from exploding into dismay everytime you both speak
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  #7  
September 30th, 2011, 05:09 PM
Bella11356's Avatar Super Mommy
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I get where you are coming from, not wanting to talk about it. A manager of mine, well within the same company, who I've known for a long time, just lost his baby. His wife actually delivered at 20 weeks and the little girl died in his arms 30 minutes later. Quite a few people asked me if I was going to attend the funeral. When I told them no they were surprised. I gently explained that I didn't want to put his poor wife through seeing me at the funeral, that I didn't feel comfortable with it. She knew I was pregnant and knew we were the same weeks along. So I was where she should have been had her baby not passed away.

I don't have any other experience with this, I obviously just avoided my small moment. Knowing me I would kind of off handed say something about how sad it seems to make her when you talk about it, and it makes you feel bad too. But I get what the other women have said also. She wants you to recognize her baby and pregnancy as ligit as well...
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  #8  
September 30th, 2011, 05:31 PM
BSandDsMommy's Avatar Mommy to three boys
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I've had two and although hearing others talk about their pregnancy made me miss mine, I was still overly excited for them and wanted to hear all about their pregnancy my sister on the other hand I got pg twice before she got pg a second time and I tried to not bring it up just bc it was a huge fight she flat out was mean to me bc I was pg but thankfully halfway through she was happy for me and she ended up getting pg and having a little girl this past December and this go around she is excited for me I think it really just depends on the person, to me it sounds like she misses her baby which is totally normal but also wants to show that although it hurts she is excited for you and wants to know all about it
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  #9  
September 30th, 2011, 06:56 PM
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I was in a similar situation with my coteacher/dear friend during my first pregnancy. We had actually been pregnant before that together and both miscarried, then she got preg again and again lost the baby. I got preg again, and it lead to my Holden boy. It was akward and difficult for both of us to handle at first. I, like you, was unsure whether to avoid the subject or if talking about it was good for her. Eventually, I jyst asked her flat out. I told hef how I was feeling and I wanted to do what I could to make the difficult situation easier for her. It helped.a ton and eaded the tension for both of us.
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  #10  
September 30th, 2011, 07:48 PM
jennybunny82's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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This happened with my sister and I. We both found out that we were pregnant on the same day... due within days of each other. I ended up miscarrying and I was devastated. But I never resented my sister either. It was very hard but I look at my niece and realize how lucky I am to have her. I am VERY close to my niece and raised her with my sister for the first year of her life. I am sorry that you and your friend are going through this. I am sure that she is very happy for you and at the same time trying to deal with a painful loss.
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  #11  
October 1st, 2011, 07:31 AM
feythful's Avatar Proud Dec '13 DDC Co-host
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to the advice above. I would definitely talk to her about how uncomfortable you are with the situation and that you want to make sure that you aren't upsetting her or hurting her feelings. Everyone deals with a loss differently. I locked myself in a room for 3 or 4 days and stared at the wall and cried with my miscarriage, but then went on with life and tried not to focus on it anymore. Others need a much longer time to process. If you explain that you are bringing this up because you care about her and it comes from a place of love, I'm sure she'll be willing to help figure the situation out.
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  #12  
October 1st, 2011, 07:47 AM
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I have no idea what I would do. Im sorry you are going through this
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  #13  
October 1st, 2011, 02:27 PM
Capns Girl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to her about everything. I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks and I think I'll bring it up then. That way after everything has been talked about I can give her a hug and buy her a Pepsi! I imagine it will be a pretty emotional day, but afterwards we'll both hopefully feel better.
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  #14  
October 1st, 2011, 07:16 PM
ASH_M's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yep that sounds like a good plan. I was on your friend's side of this same situation 2 years ago. I had a miscarriage while my friend was pregnant at the same time. Once I came to terms with the loss, I wanted to live vicariously through her pregnancy, know all about it, about the changes she was experiencing, everything. I was obviuosly still sad, but talking about things helped me to put my grief behind me, a little at a time. It took time for me - maybe that's what your friend is doing to? I would just bring it up to her that you feel unconfortable when talking through things makes her start crying and that you don't want to cause her anymore grief. I bet she's just feeling that talking about it is helping her put it behind her.
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