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I'm entitled to have a pity party some days right? Thoughts? Comments? I'm not alone?


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  • 1 Post By anna.rose
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  #1  
July 17th, 2012, 05:27 AM
Twist's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,199
Sorry this is semi-long!
My whole pregnancy has turned into a countdown for my husband deploying. I would personally rather do the birth alone than be alone and him miss the growth of our first and possibly only child. Sure he will be here for the birth...but not after. Not for the endless nights of newborncrying and trying to get through breast feeding. Not for trips to the store or regular grocery shopping. No one to help me while I'm 14 hours away from my closest family and dealing with being a first time parent AND working through my first ever deployment. He has the CHOICE to stay but refuses. So am I wrong for feeling abandoned and as if he doesn't care? And then there are the MIL issues. She thinks that bc we are pregnant that she is automatically forgiven and wants to be friends on facebook. After she bashed me to my own mom and dad trying to get me kicked out of their house! It was a complete mess! and she waited til my husband left for combat training to lose her mind with me. She had been acting so happy we were married and then she unleashed all hell on me. And I haven't spoken to her since March of '11. My husband has finally jumped on board with me and will back me when we go home to visit for our baby shower. I plan on letting her know that until she can show she is serious about giving me a REAL apology and owns up to the mess she put me through she won't be having a part in my child's life because I can not trust her to treat my child well when she can't even treat an adult right. I refuse to put my child in a life or situation like that. And I also don't want my child to hear me get bashed. All the things I worry about before they are even born!


I cannot handle that on top of everything else going on lately. Oh and then I have the minor issue of my cell phone/only means of communication that is refusing to work. I'm now waiting for my 3rd Droid 4 to show up in the mail. Because the first two are having issues holding a charge and charging period. Grr. And my husband opened his CHRISTMAS present already! He knew it was supposed to be for christmas too. I'm feeling hormonal today. /sigh

On a HAPPY note. I find out if there is a hotdog or a hamburger in my belly today! I'm so excited!
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  #2  
July 17th, 2012, 05:57 AM
anna.rose's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Wisconsin
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I'd be extremely, extremely upset as well. Why is he insisting that he has to go? I would have him talk to other fathers who missed out of the first year of life of their children.

As for your MIL, have you tried telling her that's how you feel? I mean, and I'm not defending her, she can't really make things right (when even though she SHOULD know) is she doesn't know exactly what's wrong. She may be trying to reach out but if she's not aware that you need an actual verbal and not implied apology, then she may not get it.

I hope your day goes better and you are more than entitled to have your days! I know I do!
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  #3  
July 17th, 2012, 06:13 AM
*treefrog*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am not excusing your DH's behavior at ALL...just explaining how my DH sees things at times. This is baby #4 for us so we have been there done that...lol. My DH is not in the military either, so I am just throwing my 2 cents out there. My DH sees the newborn stage as moms responsibility, then he tends to kick in more as baby gets older. He tends to feel a bit helpless at first because I exclusively breastfeed and he feels like baby needs me all the time and not him. Then when baby gets older he kicks in as a hands on dad Maybe your DH is feeling the same way? Maybe he knows he will have to deploy at sometime in the near future and would rather "get it out of the way now while baby won't remember him leaving?" Who knows...men have wacky thoughts...lol!
If it makes you feel better I would be feeling the same exact way (((HUGS)))
With regards to your mother in law...ugghh...that stinks...it is your call. If you feel she deserves a second chance give it to her. She made the mistake of insulting you...she had to fix it!! Glad DH is supporting you in this one though...MILs are hard to deal with sometimes!

Have fun at the gender scan
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  #4  
July 17th, 2012, 06:23 AM
Twist's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've tried to the utmost of my ability to explain it to her. No matter what I say she says I am the one who should apologize and brings up things I did at 17 years old that I already have apologized for and I was a CHILD! She made it a competition between me and her. How blood is thicker than water and stuff like that. Even stating that I was using him for sex and a paycheck and that because he didn't abuse me like other guys have that I came back to him. I forgot to mention that for our first year of marriage she tried to get us divorced and also tried getting him to be responsible for her $1,000 mortgage if she failed to pay it as well as pay her $300/mo. to lay in her bed and be a lazy bum. She caused nothing but problems for us. I TOTALLY understand what you're saying. I asked for an apology over a year ago when everything was said and done and even apologized for the misunderstanding. It all started when I told my SIL that it was rude to show up unannounced at someone's house. Specificly my parent's house as had been the general rule with my husband for the 3 years we had been together prior to marriage. And I wasn't rude either because I am or I WAS very close with her. It's a twisted mess. In fact things didn't really get better between my husband and I until he started taking her out of his life and our life together. But that is a choice he made on his own. Which surprised me. When we go home I don't visit them. He goes alone, I'm not going to stand in the way of him seeing his mom because that's who she'll always be. So far it's been good. But recently with the pregnancy she thinks that everything has been forgotten. Or she is going around him trying to get me to talk to her because he isn't anymore. I wish I had an easy button.
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  #5  
July 17th, 2012, 06:33 AM
Twist's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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@Christy I just read your post too and I can understand that bit too. I would believe that is what's going through his head but he constantly talks about how he can't wait for the baby to be here and he talks about doing things when the baby will be a few months old. I don't think he realizes that he will be missing a lot in the first year. He has never been around newborn babies or children under one. He thinks that a baby doesn't start doing new things until after a year or something. I'm sad that he is choosing to leave his child and me as well when I will need him the most. Not to mention that afghan is a scary place.
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  #6  
July 17th, 2012, 07:05 AM
MarlowesMum's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Is this is his first child Twist? If so, I think it's normal for him to have NO clue as to what, if anything, he's about to miss. And sadly, it's one of those "trial by fire" things...there's no good way to teach him until that child is here. I think that it's really different for women; to some extent we instinctively "know" how much of a life changer a baby is going to be - honestly, MEN DON'T GET THAT. Most men, anyway. My DH is a GREAT daddy - and even he had some adjustment. My point is that I'm really sorry that you'll have to go this alone at that crucial point. I know that there are usually some pretty supportive military wives groups out there that may be able to help. I hope you are able to find one.

I'm also really sorry that you're dealing with MIL crap. But you're not going to be able to change her. We have issues (albeit different ones) with my own MIL. I would never prevent her from seeing her granddaughter, but we make a point to not allow her to watch DD for any length of time, and even though DD will be 3 in Sept, she's NEVER had an overnighter with my MIL. We joke that the only time she will be allowed to spend that much time with my DH's family is when she's old enough to know better. It sounds like you're the adult in the group. Just keep that in mind (it's tough sometimes to be the only adult in a group of infants) and I know you'll be fine. HUGS.
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  #7  
July 17th, 2012, 07:18 AM
Twist's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarlowesMum View Post
Is this is his first child Twist? If so, I think it's normal for him to have NO clue as to what, if anything, he's about to miss. And sadly, it's one of those "trial by fire" things...there's no good way to teach him until that child is here. I think that it's really different for women; to some extent we instinctively "know" how much of a life changer a baby is going to be - honestly, MEN DON'T GET THAT. Most men, anyway. My DH is a GREAT daddy - and even he had some adjustment. My point is that I'm really sorry that you'll have to go this alone at that crucial point. I know that there are usually some pretty supportive military wives groups out there that may be able to help. I hope you are able to find one.

I'm also really sorry that you're dealing with MIL crap. But you're not going to be able to change her. We have issues (albeit different ones) with my own MIL. I would never prevent her from seeing her granddaughter, but we make a point to not allow her to watch DD for any length of time, and even though DD will be 3 in Sept, she's NEVER had an overnighter with my MIL. We joke that the only time she will be allowed to spend that much time with my DH's family is when she's old enough to know better. It sounds like you're the adult in the group. Just keep that in mind (it's tough sometimes to be the only adult in a group of infants) and I know you'll be fine. HUGS.
Haha! Working in daycare is easier than dealing with her! lol This is indeed his first and my first. You make a really good point! And i wish I could trust MIL with my child but the way she treats me and her OWN children...I couldn't knowingly leave my child with someone like that. She would tell DH how he is a bad son or bad grandson bc he didn't do something she wanted him to do WHEN she wanted it done. I'm talking getting her a bottle of water that was literally five feet from her bed. She is perfectly capable of walking too so it's not like she had no other way of getting it and a DVR so she could pause what she was watching on TV and not miss a thing. My fear is that she will either bad mouth me to my child when they are old enough to understand or she will mistreat my child. And if I did leave them with her and it happened I would blame myself. I think a parents main goal is to shield their child from harm while helping them grow into a flourishing adult. right? i'm so new to this whole parenting thing. I'm GREAT with OTHER people's kids because i'm not parenting them. ya know? i'm terrified i'll do something wrong. /sigh first time parenting problems. lol!
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  #8  
July 17th, 2012, 08:35 AM
MarlowesMum's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm proof that you can come from a really screwed up situation and still be an amazing parent. Well, I'm my mother's proof, I guess. Her own mother was a complete nut job, and she made it her life's goal to be a better parent - in every way. And she succeeded. I had an amazing childhood, full of love and affirmation. Which is not to say that my mother is not crazy...she's just normal crazy. (Crazy is always in the eye of the beholder, right?)

You've already recognized the flaws that you dislike in your own parents/inlaws, so you've got that first step knocked. You honestly don't need to worry about her warping your child unless she spends significant time with them - and from what you're telling me it sounds like a cold day in hell might come first. (and with good reason) Children are amazing at picking up good versus bad vibrations.
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  #9  
July 17th, 2012, 09:52 AM
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Twist, my husband is deploying just after our daughter is born and he also chose to do so. I didn't get a chance to read your entire post but I know it was hard for me when he made the choice but I had to support him. Financially it's great but other than that, it just sucks. I don't know when y'all got married but I guess I knew going into this that I would typically not be the first choice in this crazy life. Army (in our case) always comes before family and it's just something I have to deal with. If you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know, I know EXACTLY what you're going through. We found out I was pregnant just around the time he had to let them know if he would be extending for the deployment or not. He made the choice to go, he says he owes his country, and his guys to go again. We have a three year old and he was deployed from 1-2 of his life too. Have you talked to him and asked for his reasons for wanting to go back? It may help you understand where he's coming from a little more. As for in-laws? They're all kinda crazy! =) Good luck finding out what you get to bring into this world!!!! So exciting!!
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  #10  
July 17th, 2012, 10:53 AM
Megan30's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Twist, the ladies have you covered but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I respect military families SO much...especially the wives that are left alone with the children. You're going to be a great Mommy.
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