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Currently DH is gone and will be back within a week or so. When he comes home, we are supposed to go to FL to get a few things done with our house and for him to meet with people for his job when he gets out of the Navy. When his parents were here for Thanksgiving, his mom ended up taking a percocet from us. We count when they are going to visit because we noticed ones missing in the past. He confronted his mom and she gave a explanation that she is depressed and just wanted the pain to stop and all these things that made no sense as to why she took our pills (like them not having a big house for her grandkids to grow up in). I got annoyed with her explanation because how is she supposed to watch my kids if she is depressed and taking pills and we don't and never have lived with them so why does it matter if THEY have a big house? Anyways so DH then pretty much tells her not to do it again but then the whole message is about making her feel better about the house and any thing she said. She never had to really own up to it, she never said it would never happen again and she never said sorry for doing it. DH also lied about why we counted the pills... he said it was to make sure our boys never got into them (because our 6 year old is totally going to go pop some pills right? )
Anyways, when we go MIL wants to watch all the kids. I already told DH I wasn't ready to leave Kara and me EBF is a good excuse. MIL has talked about wanting to drive and take the boys to a restaurant. I'm not comfortable with this. I think there needs to be consequences for what she did and one of which should be she isn't allowed to drive our kids around until she gains our trust back and we KNOW she isn't taking anything. Also with Kara having two teeth now, my nipples are sore (even though I haven't felt her bite at all) and I'm debating giving her some bottles which is a debate I've been having with myself for some time. I worry that if I am no longer EBF that MIL and DH will try to convince me to leave Kara and I'm just flat out not ready for that... plus the issues with not trusting her just adds to me not wanting to.
So should I email DH trying to explain everything or should I wait until he is home? I worry about face to face because I worry I'll get emotional and end up expressing my concerns in a way that he feels like I'm attacking his mom and also we might be on a time limit with this conversation because of actually leaving for FL. I also worry about email because if it starts an argument, he is on the ship and can't email frequently and might end up going on for a couple days.
Wife to Anthony since March 2004 and Mommy to 3 boys(Blake-6, Owen-4, & Vinny-2) and a little princess, Kara
This is a tough one, Kim. I can understand why you feel like you do and totally agree with you. This has been ongoing for a while with her, and I would say that if these were my kids, I would agree that there needs to be consequences until she gets some help and makes a real change.
I can see the good and bad to both approaches. If you feel like the time crunch may get to be too much when he's back, and also if you feel like a face-to-face emotional response may cloud what you're trying to convey, I would email him. Just work on it for a while, edit and re-edit. Make sure you're conveying exactly what you need and the arguments to back them up. I, personally, tend to be able to get my thoughts across better in writing because I can edit them and get them out in a logical manner, whereas when I'm face-to-face, my emotions tend to take hold, it can get heated and I tend to cry and get flustered and it turns into more of an argument than it should be.
In the end, stress the point that you understand that this is his mother you're talking about, and it can be hard to admit when someone this close to you has a problem that needs to be confronted. However, these are also his kids. Just stress the point that nothing is more paramount than the safety of your children and this comes first above the hurt feelings of his mother, at this point. Maybe stressing that it's more about the kids' safety than anything his mother is doing can frame the argument in a manner that keeps him from getting to worked up and defensive about it no matter which way you choose to talk to him about it. (((hugs))) I know this situation isn't easy.
*~*~ Katie; Mommy to 3 fun-loving boys, one sweet little baby girl, and #5 on the way! *~*~
I would not e-mail something like that to my dh when he was deployed. I always waited until he got home to talk to him about it. You could write him a letter, and take the next week to get it just right. That way he can read it (without your emotional response), and then you guys can talk about it. When I am really upset that is what I do. That way I can get all of my thoughts out without being interrupted, and then he has a chance to talk to me about each issue I bring up. To me having an important conversation through e-mail isn't a good idea. When my dh is gone I don't bring up any issues. In my opinion he has enough to deal with without me adding stuff to it.
I would definitely wait until you see him in person. I can't comment on your dh because only you know the best way to approach him about his mom. I know my dh won't say anything to his parents, even when they are being a pita, so if i don't like something i just have to come out and say it, lol. When they stayed with us last mil wanted to take the baby, but i wouldn't let her. She has also asked if my two older kids can stay with her. They both smoke in the house, and have no seatbelts in the back of their car. Not only no, but **** no!!
As far as your mil goes, i would follow your own gut. It makes no difference if you want to put Kara on a bottle, you don't owe her an explanation or excuse. No is a complete sentence! She has proven that you can't trust her right now and your childrens' safety is more important than her possible hurt feelings! Gosh, there are just so many things you would have to worry about, what if she left pills lying around?
Kim, I really like Tiffany's idea. I think that is the route I would go. I write my Dh letters when it is a very emotional subject. When it is a very touchy subject letters always work best for me. I don't think it would be a good idea to email your Dh about this.
I really hope you and your Dh come to an agreement that MIL needs to earn your trust back and get help if she needs to! You have very good reasons not to trust her after all of this!
I also think that the best route would be to write a letter for him to read when he fets home. It gives you time to think of how you want to say everything without it turning bad face to face without getting your point across first.
However u choose to do it i hope everything works out and ge is understanding. I hope your stress can go down. Hugs your way.
Thanks ladies for your input. I am the same way Katie and sometimes my emotions have caused our what should have been a little disagreement into an argument lol.
DH could tell something was wrong and asked me what was worrying me. DH is not deployed at the moment, he is on a workup and his department isn't doing much on this one. When he was on the flight deck, I would not have said anything but given his rank and where he is working during this workup, there is no worry of him being side tracked and getting hurt.
Since he wanted to know what was wrong I told him that I hoped he didn't take it wrong but that I have some concerns. I was at the gym writing the email so it made me more nervous of his reactions (since I couldn't read, and re-read what I was writing) but I told him that regardless if I continue to EBF, I am not ready to leave Kara when we go places and that I hoped he wouldn't try to pressure me into leaving her. I told him that I'm not comfortable with MIL taking the boys out in public and/or driving them when we can't say for sure that she isn't taking anything. That he said a lot to her about everything but she said a lot of excuses to her taking the pill and did not say that it wouldn't happen again, that it never should have happened or even that she was sorry. He told me that he isn't over what she did and that he fully plans to take her to lunch while we are there and talk about everything and talk about our expectations of her since we'll be living so close (an hour away). He said that when they go out to eat that it will be fine because his dad will be going and he is the one that will be driving. He said that if there is somewhere that his dad doesn't want to go for some reason, then they wont be going. He doesn't think she has any pills there and that's why she took ours but I told him I'm not comfortable with that assumption and that she needs to know she lost some of our trust where the kids are involved and that there needs to be consequences for what she did. He agreed!
I think this was the straw that broke the camels back where his mom is concerned! He would never had said something before and hasn't said things in the past. He is finally standing up to his mother and I am so thankful for that.
Great I'm glad you found a way to talk to him about it and hes taking it seriously. That is a big issue to an I completly understand your side of it all, your childrens safety is most important bottom line. But I hope things get better soon for you guys!