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I really need advice/opinions please!

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February 28th, 2013, 09:57 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 1,892
Ok Ill try to make this as short as possible. I am looking true opinions with this please. As most of you know Masons father and I are unmarried. Our relationship has been fairly rocky for a while. We actually had split up previously and just got back together a couple months before i ended up being pregnant with mason. Anyways...we argue on and off and i already have anxiety which causes some issues but i constantly worry about what would happen if he took off or we split up again. Were trying to make things work but things can get heated sometimes an he can get kind of hot headed and stubborn.
I really worry that he might try to take off with mason. In nys if thefather signed the paternity acknowledgement and is on birth certificate the police cannot do anything to bring the child back to the mother or anythinf. This really bothers me. When researching further they actually recommend getting a custody agreement set up just in case somethig was to happen establishing who has primary custody or residency and what type of visiting arrangements there would be etc. i really have been thinkiń about doing this and disussed with him how i was neevous about that being a possibility and why and he just got really offended and pissed. I tried to explain to him its bcuz he is an involved dad and im afraid he might wanna just take him away for a while or try to keep him prinarily and that i couldnt deal with that. I mean the kids 5 months old almost and i have never left him alone. Soo i need opinions. Should i just drop the whole idea and keep worrying and try not to as much, but risk him taking off with our son? Should i try to talk to him more to try to have him agree with signing an agreement? The only other option would be going to file for it through court but thatd probably end our relationship of he is adamant against it. Ugh. I just was hoping hed be more understanding about how itd protect us both and more importantly mason so he was guaranteed to be in a stable environment and see both parents. I really am hoping we can make it work but am worried that if something happens i could lose my baby

Last edited by aquariussweety21; March 1st, 2013 at 10:01 AM.
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March 1st, 2013, 01:11 AM
curlygirl77's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,142
Ok, don't be offended, but is it possible you have some.ppd going on? I ask because i had ppd after the birth of my dd holly, and i had a lot of paranoid thoughts and anxiety. One night i screamed at dh that he and my mil thought i was a bad parent and were going to take the kids from me. There wasn't really any basis for these thoughts, they were all in my head. Once i got some treatment, i could look back and see how wrong i was, but at the time i was so terrified of loaing the baby i couldn't think straight. Is it at all possible that you are worrying unneccessarily? I could be way off base and apologise if i am, bit it's just somehing to think about. Only you really know if your so is really capable of such a thing.

I don't know anything about custody agreements, but i don't think either parent can deny access to the other without a court order saying so, so i don't think the father could just take off with the baby and you not be able to do anything. You could always consult an attorney, i don't think it would cost a great deal to just ask a few questions. (Hugs) and good thougts that you get it sorted out soon and put your mind at rest!

My beautiful siggy was made by *bokkechick*

Last edited by curlygirl77; March 1st, 2013 at 01:16 AM. Reason: double post
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March 1st, 2013, 08:29 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 1,892
Thank you. Idk about the PPD. I do regularly suffer from extreme anxiety and am back in counseling and stuff for it. I was able to talk to her last week about my fears of leaving him alone and things and am slowly working towards it. She didnt say anything about it being PPD related but that it may be because of some things that happened in the past and stuff. But i am sure it is a possibility. I do have a ridiculous fear that if i am not with him something bad will happen and know that it is a but oveboard but when it comes down to leaving him i always try to justify it if it makes sense. It may be a ridiculous thought as well that he would take mason like that possibly too. Idk. I know basically that if he did he could legally deny access to me until we went to court and all that and that scares me. Also if he took him and went out of state ( his parents live in alabama) i would have to go all the way there to file for custody ad go by those state laws at that point. I guess i just felt it would help alleviate some anxiety about the whole situation if we did some type of agreement so neither of us could do that. I would never want to deny access for him and i doubt he would do it to me bur i guess with my anxiety and stuff its probably a more unrealistic fear that keeps popping up if that makes sense? Sorry for the novel reply but thank u for answering. I really dont like airing out our issues but he said something about getting other opinions and i figured this was a safe place to do so. Thank u!

Last edited by aquariussweety21; March 1st, 2013 at 10:02 AM.
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March 1st, 2013, 09:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 1,892
Thinking Bout it i prob really shouldnt have this all on a public forum. Does anyone know if theres a way to delete this lol

Last edited by aquariussweety21; March 1st, 2013 at 09:59 AM.
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March 1st, 2013, 09:09 AM
Blessed Mommy Of 5's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 4,056
Stefani, I can understand where you are coming from. At the same time, I can also understand where your SO is coming from as well. Since the two of you are currently in a relationship, asking for a custody agreement can seem as if you are not trusting your SO.
The two of you are engaged, so obviously very seriously committed to one another. As far as the rough patches you go through in your relationship, I can definitely relate. It is very normal and it happens to the best of us! I do think that your anxiety may play a huge part in your fears. Do you really think there is a chance that Mason's daddy would just leave and take Mason from you?

I know that my DH and I go through a lot, we argue, and we have our issues at times, but when it all comes down to it I know that there are certain things he would never do. Even though when we have just had a fresh argument and I may be hurt at the time, I get irrational fears and thoughts of things that he might do to try to hurt me. But, in reality he wouldn't.

I think what this comes down to is some what of a trust issue. With your SO being your fiance and the father of your precious baby boy; he more than likely wants you to trust that he wouldn't take Mason away from you. Has he ever threatened to do that? If he has actually said at some point that he would do that, then I think you deserve the agreement that you are asking for. If he hasn't on the other hand you may have to consider that the two of you are committed and are soon to be married, he is soon to be your other half So, I feel like you are some what obligated to trust him and accept his word that he would never do that to you.

I think you should really sit down and have a serious talk with your SO. Only you can decide if you can trust his word. But, if the answer is that you can't, then that opens a whole new can of worms with your upcoming marriage.

I hope that everything works out perfectly for you, your SO, and baby Mason! Such a gorgeous family!

My DH and I have been together for almost 20 years! A very long time; trust me we have been through a lot in those years!! I can say that there were definitely times that I doubted him. But, I had to give him the trust he needed even though I really didn't want to many times.

**big hugs**

Originally Posted by aquariussweety21 View Post
Thinking Bout it i prob really shouldnt have this all on a public forum. Does anyone know if theres a way to delete this lol

You can't delete the post but you can edit it. Just edit it and erase everything

Would you like me to delete my response since it sort of says a lot about your original post? If so, I have no problem doing so and will not be offended in any kind of way!

Last edited by Blessed Mommy Of 5; March 1st, 2013 at 09:15 AM.
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March 1st, 2013, 09:25 AM
writerchick324's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Washington
Posts: 1,446
I want to pop in (sorry if this is long!) I don't mean to offend you at all, and if I do, please disregard what I say then!

My fiance (we got engaged in January, 3 years into dating) and I were rocky too until I became pregnant. We dated for a while, he half-cheated (was receiving naughty pictures from a friend) and that started the lack of trust. After a few months, we broke up and were on and off for a year. We couldn't fully break it off even though we went on dates with other people. We started to see each other again, my lease was soon up so we decided to try moving in together. I know it sounds crazy but it worked! Saving money on both our parts by sharing finances and bills really helped. A few weeks later I became pregnant. Our relationship is now stronger than it was before, now that Elliott is here. Yeah, we still go through money struggles and we still fight from time to time but he told me that he only has good things to say about me to his friends. Of course, I still get a wild hair once in a while or get afraid something will happen. That's when it blew up the first time, when we were perfect and I found those pictures. I am used to things going to hell when things get good. But we are much more stable now, even though I have issues to work on (weight loss).

Long story short, I think you may need to go to counseling. Figure out if it is PPD or if it is just your head. Trust me, I went to counseling for a year two years ago due to stuff in my past that I just couldn't shake. It was affecting my relationship as well and I got my head screwed on straight. I don't want to say you guys have a bad relationship because I can remember when I was not very trusting and I questioned everything that my df did. I even asked why he was home late one day (he works overtime randomly) and asked if he went to the bar, since he used to love going to have a beer and listening to live music and hadn't been in 9 months or so. It's his responsibility to pick up Elliott from daycare. He said, "What, you think I left my kid in the car and went in to the bar?!" And I said "No, I wasn't sure if you went between work and Elliott..." then I felt dumb. Looking back, yeah, we had a lot of fights, but most of them could have been dismissed if I wasn't so mistrusting. Of course we had legit fights too though.

I don't mean to say that you are the bad one and causing a bad relationship. But I am thinking maybe you will feel more comfortable if you talked with a therapist (I went to a psychologist, he was AWESOME) and my self confidence rose. Once that rose, I stopped picking so many fights and trusted my bf more. That change caused us to be happier even in the low times. He soon learned how to dismiss a "nit pick" fight, were I may be feeling grumpy and use some snarky response (it happens from time to time lol) and he will make a joke then which tosses my grumpiness out the window.

So maybe if you talk to someone and become more self confidant in your feelings and what you want to do, you will be able to see the whole picture clearer-do you really feel that there is a threat of him taking off with Mason? Or are you feeling afraid of being left in the relationship? Are you pushing him to see what his response would be, if he would take off with him or if he would work with you on it? I think once you feel better about yourself, you can see the issues in the relationship better and will feel far more comfortable in what your true feelings are and will feel confidant in standing up for what you want (legal custody documents etc). It may also help clear your mind and see if there really are issues in the relationship. Maybe you are like me and get afraid when things start going good, so you imagine what could go wrong. You feel stressed and you guys are arguing, maybe it could turn into a huge fight and that could happen or maybe that would be stretching it. If Tim brought that up to me as a legit concern right here and now I would feel very hurt. I couldn't imagine taking Elliott away from his daddy, and I would feel offended that he thought our relationship was bad enough to where he felt that it was an actual threat and he wanted to take legal action to prevent it. Think about it that way, what if your bf think things are going really good, despite the fighting (all couples do) and you just threw this huge curve ball at him?

I know the first two months postpartum were really tough for us, and Tim didn't even want kids before I got pregnant. (O.o) But now he says he loves coming home to our family. So maybe once you talk to someone you can bring your bf to talk as well, that way you are in a healthier place to work on attaining a healthy relationship. It would be horrible to go to relationship counseling just to leave feeling like all the issues of the relationship are on you.

OH MY that sounds horrible. I don't mean it to sound that way. I am just thinking of you feeling bad if the therapist pointed out your trust issues. I am very sensitive and once someone pointed out a flaw of mine I would immediately take all responsibility for all the problems!

I hope that helped in some way. If I made you feel worse, I apologize! I just want you to know that there are other unmarried couples on here that have gone through recent hard times. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, although I couldn't tell you where the tunnel leads.

Let me know if you want me to delete mine as well! I wrote this while Michelle and you posted again so I didn't see that. I would have pm'ed it if so.
DS: 9/13/12

TTC W/PCOS since January of 2016

CP: 6/3/16 at 5 weeks/BETA 40


BFP 7/5/16 11DPO turned to blighted ovum 7/29/16 at 6w6d measuring 5W5D beta 2682

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March 1st, 2013, 09:31 AM
curlygirl77's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,142
Stefani, you can go into your post and delete the text. I will delete mine if you want?

My beautiful siggy was made by *bokkechick*

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March 1st, 2013, 09:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 1,892
Hi ladies. I appreciate both your posts a lot. I think ill just delete my siggy from these and leave it at that. The likelihood of people knowing exactly who i am without it isnt much. U can leave your posts.

Basically what brought the concern back up was us talking a few days ago and he brought up wanting to leave if things dont get better. Our relationship really isnt that bad. We have issues and argue. And i do have a ton of my own issues due to my anxiety and insecurities but have been working on then and have made dramatic improvements. You guys both kinda hit the nail on the head really. I have had a past where when things get at all rough all of a suddent my so would be cheating or leave or be abusive. I know its unfair for me to use that as a basis for this, much more healthy relationship, but sometimes it is hard not to... Especially when we have issues from the past with lies, etc. on his behalf. After talking to him more this morning about it he says he really dorsnt want to leave and is sorry i feel like he meant its likely he will. We both miscommunicated a bit and both misunderstood each other a lot. He let me explain where i was coning from and why and actually kind of is trying to understand now and feel less hurt by it even tho he disagrees. I never meant to hurt him bu saying it and told him that but at the same time have gotten offended when he previosuly said the same to me in an argumet... Altho he says he really doesnt worry about it.

All in all. We have both been through a lot separately and together in the past. There really is noone id rather be with and i do want to e with him forever. I know even though i have come a long way in 2 years there are some things i realy need to work on and my counselor and myself are now working on them. We did discuss having him come with me like once a month too to try to help him better uderstand my problems and explain what he wants or needs to as well. I think we are going to do it. Really and truly i know tons of relationships in way worse places than ours. I think just all the stress of being broke, losing our apt, etc has added up on top of the issues we already have. My low self esteem and constant anxiety ampliphies anything 1000x it feels like. I know a lot of it has to deal with that. I have inproved with some aspects but others not so much and i am trying to deal with now and i know its hard for him because sometimes he doesnt know how to reassure me.

Thank you ladies for sharing previous expeiences with me. I can definitely relate to both a lot and it helped me put some things into perspective more. Ive really needed to air this out and appreciate it. It has taken me so long to even admit to myself how ba my anxiety truly is but i finally did recently and plan to make things better too.
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March 1st, 2013, 02:06 PM
jojo2bee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Colorado
Posts: 2,775
Im glad to hear that you and your SO had a good talk and layed things on the table. I know this kind of stuff is always super hard to deal with and hard to figure out what to do. My DH and I have defiantly been through our spats a few times to. The best way to get through it is communication of course and im glad you two are able to do that. I hope everything works out great for you both! And sorry if I sounded sort of dr phil-ish lol

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