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Experiencing Labor and Delivery Alone


Forum: December 2013 Playroom

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  • 2 Post By redbirds
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  • 3 Post By ChicaChels
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  #1  
September 17th, 2013, 02:08 PM
kara74's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Maybe a weird question but has anyone done it or considered it?

My husband was very obviously uncomfortable during my labor and delivery with DD. By the end he was woozy and had to step out for a few minutes. He even declined cutting the cord. He wasn't helpful and it was almost like he wasn't there anyways so I've been thinking about maybe going it alone this time. My parents will be taking care of DD so most likely my mom will be unavailable. I was thinking of just having DH either wait in the waiting room or calling him once it's over with.
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  #2  
September 17th, 2013, 02:13 PM
redbirds's Avatar Blessed Again!
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My DH is like a bump on a log, too... and he's never cut the cord. I think the whole process freaks him out and he would MUCH rather move back to the 50's process where the men wait in the waiting room ready to pass out cigars and wait for the nurse to come out and tell him how it all went...

but...

If I have to go through it all, so does he, so I never gave him an option. He HAS to be there, or bear my wrath, and that can last a LONG time I told him to suck it up, all he has to do is be there and take pictures, really!

The last birth really got his goat because she was almost born in the car, so it was all natural and he was the only one there to talk me through things for almost an hour and I blew up on him one time and I think he finally got it that 's not a really fun experience for us mamas and to just shut up and help.
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  #3  
September 17th, 2013, 02:22 PM
kara74's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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For me, it irritated me so much that he didn't do anything and didn't know what to do and just sat there watching me in agony. I'd have rather him not be there at all. Not that I really wanted him to do anything than maybe talk to me and get me some water. Ugh I remember it vividly him just sitting there and I get angry all over again lol. This is why I'm thinking about not involving him until it's over with. I don't want pictures taken until after baby is born anyways.
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  #4  
September 17th, 2013, 02:23 PM
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Not an option. He helped make it and he better darn well be there to see it...lol

Perhaps hire a doula so he can take a more backseat role but still be there?
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  #5  
September 17th, 2013, 02:58 PM
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DH loved so much being apart of DS's birth, I couldn't imagine taking that experience away from him. If my DH were more like yours, Id love to go at it alone. I suppose I am more of an independent person.
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  #6  
September 17th, 2013, 03:04 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have doula'd for several mommas who would otherwise be there alone. One of my recent doula clients was a single mom (by choice, used IUI to conceive both her kids) and her mom was supposed to be there for the first baby but her mom ended up suddenly passing away when the momma was 34w pregnant - so she did it completely alone. She was new to the area and didn't know anyone at all (she had lived here less than 2 months when her mom passed away). I actually got put in touch with her shortly following the birth of her first because her L&D nurse was a good friend of mine, and she sent her my way for BF help since I'm an IBCLC. Her story was really sad, and obviously she wasnt alone by choice, but i think it's such an emotional time for everyone I can't imagine going through it alone would be the better option.

If Dad can't/doesnt want to be there, I think everyone should have someone - a doula, a mom, a BFF, a sister..just someone who cares, someone to consult with, someone to hold your hand if things start to get scary - someone to hold your hands while you get an epidural, if that's your choice.

I have doula'd for several moms who dont want dad there, for whatever reason - and those births have all been great for the most part. I just think you should have someone there!
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  #7  
September 17th, 2013, 03:09 PM
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DH can't wait! I'm scared he won't make it if he is at work because he works in Washington and Oregon and we live in Utah. With DD her dad (different guy) had no interest in being in the delivery room. I had my mom there. At the last minute I was mean and gave him an ultimatum that if he wasn't there to support me, I was filing for divorce. He even ended up cutting the cord. He doesn't regret it but said he'd never want to do it again.
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  #8  
September 17th, 2013, 03:44 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I agree, you should have *someone* there for your. I make my husband be there, but he's not the most useful. He at least talks to me and reminds me it won't be going forever, and I won't be sick forever, and hands me the garbage can when I need to throw up.
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  #9  
September 17th, 2013, 03:50 PM
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I had never considered a doula until just recently. I figured DH would just be there being his useless self (useless in L&D not always) but the more I thought about it the more I thought he may as well not be there. Of course i would discuss it with him to see if he wanted to be there or not. In his country it's unusual for men to be present at the birth. He's the first man in his family to witness a birth. Usually it's the mom, sisters, or other female relative serving as a doula. I wouldn't be upset if he said he didn't want to be there. Last night and today are the first times I've researched doulas and thought maybe I might want to go that route. I don't need someone super involved just someone there to keep me company and not leave every half hour for a smoke or sitting there staring at the TV.

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Originally Posted by ChicaChels View Post
I have doula'd for several mommas who would otherwise be there alone. One of my recent doula clients was a single mom (by choice, used IUI to conceive both her kids) and her mom was supposed to be there for the first baby but her mom ended up suddenly passing away when the momma was 34w pregnant - so she did it completely alone. She was new to the area and didn't know anyone at all (she had lived here less than 2 months when her mom passed away). I actually got put in touch with her shortly following the birth of her first because her L&D nurse was a good friend of mine, and she sent her my way for BF help since I'm an IBCLC. Her story was really sad, and obviously she wasnt alone by choice, but i think it's such an emotional time for everyone I can't imagine going through it alone would be the better option.

If Dad can't/doesnt want to be there, I think everyone should have someone - a doula, a mom, a BFF, a sister..just someone who cares, someone to consult with, someone to hold your hand if things start to get scary - someone to hold your hands while you get an epidural, if that's your choice.

I have doula'd for several moms who dont want dad there, for whatever reason - and those births have all been great for the most part. I just think you should have someone there!
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  #10  
September 17th, 2013, 03:55 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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doulas can be as hands on or as hands off as you need! and i can tell you from personal experience, more $$ does not mean you're getting a better doula..it's important to find someone who suits your personality. even for medicated births, it's really nice to have someone there if things get kind of scary, like if baby were having decelerations or something - that can be a LOT to take in on your own and not have anyone to say "hey is this going to be okay?" who isnt a medical professional - and that way, your DH could come and go, and you would never be alone and you could have someone whose only job was to focus on you and get him in the scenario that things dont go as planned
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  #11  
September 17th, 2013, 05:40 PM
hugssandi's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think EVERYONE should have a doula, partner support or not!!! My darling is a very active part of birthing for me, as I draw a lot of my strength from him. If I were in your situation I might just wanna go it alone, too! Everyone, every situation, every relationship is different. That doesn't make it a negative~just different!
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  #12  
September 17th, 2013, 06:27 PM
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Maybe discuss a "what's expected of you" before hand lol. My husband was a mess the first time. Had no clue what he should be doing at all. By the second kid he was fine.
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  #13  
September 17th, 2013, 06:43 PM
kara74's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That's a really good idea! I didn't think that he would be so bad at it so I didn't even think to discuss it before DD's L&D. I plan to sit down with him and discuss this subject and see if he thinks he could do better or if he'd rather sit this one out. He was awesome afterwards but sucked during lol. He stayed with us at the hospital the whole time only leaving to go home to shower and feed the cat and to get me food. He helped with DD. So I guess he wasn't completely useless lol.

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Maybe discuss a "what's expected of you" before hand lol. My husband was a mess the first time. Had no clue what he should be doing at all. By the second kid he was fine.
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  #14  
September 17th, 2013, 06:48 PM
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My dh was pretty unhelpful the first time too, but the second time was much better. For my first my MIL actually helped. I wanted her there more for dh because I knew he would be like that and she helped him to help me. But if you think your dh would be uncomfortable, then discuss it with him and make sure you have someone there for support.
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  #15  
September 17th, 2013, 07:53 PM
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During my first labor, the nurses coaxed him into helping hold my leg. It looked like he was in shock. We had both agreed beforehand that he could step out of the room if needed, or could just hang out in there and do whatever. So, we were both sort of surprised. It was like a deer in headlights.....he just did what she said. lol.

With No. 2...he chilled out and read the newspaper on the other side of the room..and I much preferred that, as did he. I don't need help or hand-holding or anyone else distracting me. I think he liked being there in the room, but not having to be involved or see the mess. If all goes well, I hope these twins will allow for a repeat of the scenario with baby no. 2. There, but not bothering me.

If I have to have a c/s (I am hoping I won't though), I would like him there, but not to have to see any of the gory stuff........really only to make sure that they bring my babies over to me afterwards and so that he can hold them. I really do not want to be separated from them at all.....that is very important to me.
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  #16  
September 18th, 2013, 07:49 AM
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Marko likes being there. He isn't a big talker which I think I would like if he would talk me through it but he did hold my leg, snap pictures (jerk) and cut the cord.

Maybe your DH can stay with your daughter and dad so your mom can be with you.
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  #17  
September 18th, 2013, 07:50 AM
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This is why I am having a doula this time! DH was ehhh. He'd get me food and make sure my TENs was on my back but other than that, he sat on his laptop the whole time or slept. He didn't hold my leg very well, he didn't want to look, he didn't cut the cord.

This time I just want him in a chair on the other side of the room watching.
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  #18  
September 18th, 2013, 07:52 AM
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My DH is a paramedic and loves blood and guts. I wish he was doing this L&D thing instead of me. I would be in the waiting room passing out bottles of wine.

However, since that is not an option, I don't think I can do it without him. He knows what I want before I do. He can read my mind and will be there so I am not as afraid. I would actually liked to be knocked out! lol
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  #19  
September 18th, 2013, 08:58 AM
kara74's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That is a good option.

This is the thing about my mom - she's a tremendous help but she gets weird right around when I'm due and then for about a week afterwards. I don't know exactly why. She's been at my boys' births and was a great help but then the weirdness kicked in and overshadowed the help she gave me. It's hard to describe the weirdness. I didn't have her at my daughter's birth because I thought I would avoid the weirdness but she got even weirder and then angry because she wasn't there. I cannot win with this woman. Part of me wants to just have her there and deal with her weirdness because she's going to be that way anyways and I could do without the angry on top of it. Part of me wants to get a doula and kick everyone out lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by swade66 View Post
Marko likes being there. He isn't a big talker which I think I would like if he would talk me through it but he did hold my leg, snap pictures (jerk) and cut the cord.

Maybe your DH can stay with your daughter and dad so your mom can be with you.
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