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How are the new dads doing?


Forum: December 2013 Playroom

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  • 1 Post By CherryLimeade
  • 2 Post By JulieMc

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  #1  
December 29th, 2013, 09:50 AM
HorseGal's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 4,719
My SO is convinced that I need to pump and let him feed bottles so "his son will like him as much as he likes me."

Men are so dumb. Harsh I know, but let me explain.

I've tried so hard to stay patient but I'm about to snap. Daily I get comments that make me feel selfish about EBF'ing. I don't think he means it as harsh as it feels to me. Even though I've explained how it felt when my exDH used to do the same thing.

When he holds him he holds him out so he can see him. Ryder doesn't like that, it scares him. He wants to feel secure and be close. And then he'll do these swooping motions like you'd do for fun with an older kid. That also scares Ryder. I try to explain this. How Ryder has spent the last months being held tight inside. SO's mother has tried to explain it.

Then he gives up so quick with the pacifier, or a certain holding position and gets frustrated. I keep trying to explain Ryder doesn't have the coordination to always keep the pacifier in his mouth or to take it easily. Or SO will decide, well the baby is fussy so he wants to be set down and left alone.

I just don't understand his train of thought. It's not the fact that I can feed him that makes him settle when I hold him any other time that he's not eating.

He has 5 younger siblings. I really thought he'd be better at this.

I have been so tired of being cooped that I went out for an hour yesterday. Ryder was full with a clean diaper. I come inside and SO tells me Ryder screamed the whole time and he even changed his diaper 3 days. I was dumbfounded and had to fight not to cry. Ryder rarely cries and never screams. Why the heck didn't he come get me. And why did he need 3 diapers. He's getting worse at this instead of better.
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  #2  
December 29th, 2013, 10:16 AM
hugssandi's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,033
I'm so sorry you are going through this, (((((Kendal)))). Really stinks!!!! Of course he's done this sevesral times now, but My man has been amazing, and I'm so thankful.
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  #3  
December 29th, 2013, 10:26 AM
Samantha- Loving my baby♥
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 760
Oh, Kendal I'm sorry you've been dealing with this .

My DF has been pretty good. He only bugs me at night, somehow he sleeps through our son screaming his head off, and if I wake him up and tell him to watch him while i go to the bathroom quickly, he ends up falling asleep. He also has a bad habit off saying "oh do you want mommy?" Hands him to me, and goes and plays video games.

Other than those two things he is great with him. He loves him so much and I can tell he does, we've actually fought less recently- probably because we don't have time to! Lol
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  #4  
December 29th, 2013, 10:46 AM
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Location: Pennsylvania
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Sorry you have to deal with that stuff. I had issues when we had our first. My dh would just give me the baby and do whatever he wanted, but I think he felt helpless because they always did just want me and was afraid of newborns. maybe he will get better as Ryder gets older. Some men are a little frightened of brand new babies. My dh was always better as they get a little older.

My dh has been pretty great this time, as he should be since we have done this before. I think he realizes what it took this time to have her and it was really hard on me, both during pregnancy and labor. He actually changes diapers without my prompting and has taken over certain things. ((hugs)) hope things get better for you.
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  #5  
December 29th, 2013, 11:19 AM
kara74's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ugh he sounds incredibly insecure and immature. Sorry you have to deal with that.

Surprisingly after being less than supportive during my pregnancy, DH has really stepped up his game with girls. I'm really impressed and grateful. My boys have also been really helpful. I couldn't have pulled off Christmas or have bounced back physically and emotionally without all of their help. I don't know what I'm going to do when DH goes back to work.
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  #6  
December 29th, 2013, 12:54 PM
CherryLimeade's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Gah that sounds frustrating.. That he's ignoring your advice. BTDT...

One thing I learned with my first was that I had to let daddy figure things out on his own. Granted my husband helped take care of his little sisters, so he wasn't completely clueless.. But anyway.. He didn't do things exactly how I would do them, but I let him be and he figured out what worked.. Just like us mommies have to do.

If Ryder screams when your SO does something (i.e. swooshing him around), try not to tell him exactly what to do.. Just sit and wait a while. Men are stubborn, they like to feel like they've accomplished things by themselves lol. But your SO might just need his confidence boosted a little. Tell him he'll get the hang of it soon. Not being able to comfort your baby is really upsetting. We've all been there at some point.
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  #7  
December 29th, 2013, 01:06 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
Join Date: Nov 2008
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One thing that I learned when I had my first is you have to cut him some slack. Do not lord over him and point out every thing he does "wrong" or not the way you'd do it. While first time moms might struggle to figure things out, men have it worse because it doesn't come as naturally to them. So when you are constantly pointing out what they are doing wrong, it makes them even less confident in what they are doing and less likely to want to help. By all means though, if he's doing something dangerous I'd definitely point it out...but for other things, I'd let him find his own groove. It is for sure frustrating though....

You kind of have the upper hand here having had a kid already and you aren't becoming parents for the first time together...you've already BTDT...and having younger siblings does not mean he'll be better prepared than a man who was, say, the baby of the family.

My husband was not the best with our first.....got better as he got older though...he was afraid when he was smaller and more fragile. And then when our son was 5/6 months old, he hurt his knee and stayed home from work because he had surgery...so our son stayed home with him much of the time and that time with him really helped them bond more and him to become more confident. He was better when our daughter was born, but still leery of things when she was younger/smaller. Now with the twins, he's a pro.....he hasn't mastered or even attempted holding two at a time like me, but he's also not afraid to do anything with them even though they are newborns.

Anyways...sorry for the novel..but my advice is, let him find his groove. He'll get better. At least he is trying.... I'd also ease him in to spending longer and longer periods of time alone with the baby while you are close by (in case he really needs your help), and gradually work up to being further away and gone longer, like a trip to the grocery store, etc.. Also.....try complimenting some of the things he does do well or right and boost his confidence a bit. It helps.

Oh..and the EBFing thing........babies are still gonna be more attached to mommy, even if daddy helps feed. It's annoying when men comment on something they know nothing about.....like my husband saying I should pump so he and others could help me feed them......haha..yeah right...pumping is a P.I.T.A. and would not make my life easier for someone to give them a bottle or two a day. That just makes more work for me!!
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Last edited by JulieMc; December 29th, 2013 at 01:09 PM.
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  #8  
December 29th, 2013, 02:16 PM
redbirds's Avatar Blessed Again!
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CO
Posts: 18,447
((HUGS)) Kendal! I think men don't have that natural sense with newborns. DH is OK with newborns, but after a while, he just sticks them in the rock n play and lets them scream until I come in, and I, of course, yell that he's not trying to quiet her down and he cites, "she's hungry". Well... she JUST ate 45 min ago and while she may want to eat again, she isn't starving! Good Lord. And this is #4 for him and I, so no excuses!

However, when they become mobile and can eat baby food and are more "baby" or toddler (and older) than infant/newborn, he's old hat He manages our kids with great ease and he's wonderful! Sure, we have our moments (both of us) with loss of patience or whatnot... but in general, he shines.

I've heard this to be common with many dads, no matter if they're BTDT or FTD's. I have to bite my tongue some days, and just take over (as he wants, no doubt) and so baby is basically my duty and he knows that means he's up for daddy duty with the 3 others. He thinks 1 newborn is as exhausting as 3 LO's, so it's a good compromise!
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  #9  
December 29th, 2013, 06:13 PM
swade66's Avatar My friends call me HIRB.
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sewickley, PA
Posts: 39,230
Quote:
Originally Posted by novastar222 View Post
My DF has been pretty good. He only bugs me at night, somehow he sleeps through our son screaming his head off, and if I wake him up and tell him to watch him while i go to the bathroom quickly, he ends up falling asleep. He also has a bad habit off saying "oh do you want mommy?" Hands him to me, and goes and plays video games.

Other than those two things he is great with him. He loves him so much and I can tell he does, we've actually fought less recently- probably because we don't have time to! Lol

Same

Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryLimeade View Post
Gah that sounds frustrating.. That he's ignoring your advice. BTDT...

One thing I learned with my first was that I had to let daddy figure things out on his own. Granted my husband helped take care of his little sisters, so he wasn't completely clueless.. But anyway.. He didn't do things exactly how I would do them, but I let him be and he figured out what worked.. Just like us mommies have to do.

If Ryder screams when your SO does something (i.e. swooshing him around), try not to tell him exactly what to do.. Just sit and wait a while. Men are stubborn, they like to feel like they've accomplished things by themselves lol. But your SO might just need his confidence boosted a little. Tell him he'll get the hang of it soon. Not being able to comfort your baby is really upsetting. We've all been there at some point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieMc View Post
One thing that I learned when I had my first is you have to cut him some slack. Do not lord over him and point out every thing he does "wrong" or not the way you'd do it. While first time moms might struggle to figure things out, men have it worse because it doesn't come as naturally to them. So when you are constantly pointing out what they are doing wrong, it makes them even less confident in what they are doing and less likely to want to help. By all means though, if he's doing something dangerous I'd definitely point it out...but for other things, I'd let him find his own groove. It is for sure frustrating though....

You kind of have the upper hand here having had a kid already and you aren't becoming parents for the first time together...you've already BTDT...and having younger siblings does not mean he'll be better prepared than a man who was, say, the baby of the family.

My husband was not the best with our first.....got better as he got older though...he was afraid when he was smaller and more fragile. And then when our son was 5/6 months old, he hurt his knee and stayed home from work because he had surgery...so our son stayed home with him much of the time and that time with him really helped them bond more and him to become more confident. He was better when our daughter was born, but still leery of things when she was younger/smaller. Now with the twins, he's a pro.....he hasn't mastered or even attempted holding two at a time like me, but he's also not afraid to do anything with them even though they are newborns.

Anyways...sorry for the novel..but my advice is, let him find his groove. He'll get better. At least he is trying.... I'd also ease him in to spending longer and longer periods of time alone with the baby while you are close by (in case he really needs your help), and gradually work up to being further away and gone longer, like a trip to the grocery store, etc.. Also.....try complimenting some of the things he does do well or right and boost his confidence a bit. It helps.

Oh..and the EBFing thing........babies are still gonna be more attached to mommy, even if daddy helps feed. It's annoying when men comment on something they know nothing about.....like my husband saying I should pump so he and others could help me feed them......haha..yeah right...pumping is a P.I.T.A. and would not make my life easier for someone to give them a bottle or two a day. That just makes more work for me!!

Ditto ditto
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  #10  
December 29th, 2013, 07:40 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,007
Quote:
Originally Posted by novastar222 View Post
Oh, Kendal I'm sorry you've been dealing with this .

My DF has been pretty good. He only bugs me at night, somehow he sleeps through our son screaming his head off, and if I wake him up and tell him to watch him while i go to the bathroom quickly, he ends up falling asleep. He also has a bad habit off saying "oh do you want mommy?" Hands him to me, and goes and plays video games.

Other than those two things he is great with him. He loves him so much and I can tell he does, we've actually fought less recently- probably because we don't have time to! Lol
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  #11  
December 30th, 2013, 01:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 4,694
Ditto lol
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  #12  
December 30th, 2013, 05:51 AM
lily26's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,071
my so has been pretty great...mind you were still in the hospital under the watchful eye if nurses 24/7 so hes eager to get her home and actually doing feeds and sometimes diaper changes..ok mostly not diaper changes and tries to think of every other reason she could be crying and tries to do that instead.. when that doesnt work he acts dumbfounded and gives her to me even though i tell him she needs to be changed.

but oh kendal *hugs* sorry your dealing with that how incredibly frustrating
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  #13  
December 30th, 2013, 09:23 AM
blakesgirl09's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,706
My DH is so scared he's going to do something wrong that he doesn't do much at all! For the last week, he's been pretty sick, fever, chills, the whole gamut. He didn't even want to touch the baby for fear he would get him sick so I did EVERYTHING! What about when I was sick or of I get sick, does life just stop? I think not! Our agreement was that while I'm off, I'll take the midnight feedings but when I go back to work, he'll start helping. He needs to learn how to help during the day to help at night! Oh, I could probably ramble on forever but I think I'll stop now. He is getting better, I will leave it at that!
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  #14  
December 30th, 2013, 10:10 AM
HorseGal's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Kansas
Posts: 4,719
^your hubby really does need to grow up. As you mentioned before, you were literally dying And he still wouldn't step up. I hope he makes up for all of this to you.
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  #15  
December 30th, 2013, 10:19 AM
blakesgirl09's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Texas
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He did buy me a fantastic coffee maker the other day! I was pretty excited. I guess that's what my life has come to, getting excited over a coffee maker! Lol!
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