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Relationship w/ spouse after baby

Forum: February 2014 Playroom


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October 26th, 2013, 01:18 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Nebraska, USA
Posts: 1,021
OK BTDT mamas...

DH & I are in a sex slump. Between stress, being busy and sick, we just haven't gotten around to doing the deed in awhile. Last night, we discussed it pretty in depth -- we're both worried about my changing body. I'm worried that he's not attracted to me any more. He's worried that he'll hurt me.

Then we got to talking about how our intimate relationship will change after baby. Any tips on what to do to make sure we still find time for our romantic relationship? We just don't want to be that couple who only has sex when we're trying to reproduce. Ya know???
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October 26th, 2013, 02:03 PM
melaniek85's Avatar Frankie and Ronin's mommy
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Glen Burnie, Md
Posts: 3,397

Last edited by melaniek85; October 27th, 2013 at 11:02 AM.
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October 26th, 2013, 06:28 PM
Formerly ConnorMorgan
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,268
I get really horny in second trimester so we're okay now but I'll be in that sexual slump next trimester. My husband is attracted more to pregnant women and knows he can't hurt me so we're good. Well I mean it can give me cramps or whatever but won't hurt baby.

I always wait at least the 6 weeks before having sex. I'm too tired and worn out to do it and my body still feels invaded so no interest. I don't usually gain my interest back for months after baby but I am still able to please my husband and keep him mostly happy.

Just know it will take time after baby for things to go back to normalish. He will see you differently and you will feel like your baby owns your body (especially if you breastfeed which I love to do) so you might not want to share with your husband too for a while.

If you find yourself actually despising the act though, even 2 months+ after, talk to your doctor, could be part of ppd or something. But actually wanting to do it may not come back for months if not longer. I know it took one year for it not to be a little tender from my episiotomy but that doesn't mean we didn't do it, just nothing rough and I mostly went on top to guide it. That way I could stop if it hurt.
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October 26th, 2013, 06:29 PM
Jibby's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Hell, also known as Arizona ;)
Posts: 1,406
Thus far dh and I have had a sense of humor about things. It helps he is fine with my body but we don't sweat times when sex gets tough as long as it's not some underlying relationship issue.

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October 26th, 2013, 06:32 PM
OscarsPaprika's Avatar Strong proud Army wife ;)
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bragg, North Carolina
Posts: 680
We went the opposite direction. We just did it when the opportunity presented itself lol I'm not a planner in any sense of the word, so I thrive on spontaneous things.
We didn't have a time line from the doc after ds though I've heard it's supposed to be 6 weeks, he just told us when I stopped bleeding we were good to go. I stopped really fast though so I made it 3 or 4 weeks lol
If you don't feel he's attracted to you, try making yourself feel attractive. Make up, do your hair pretty, and wear something you feel super sexy in. If he's afraid he'll hurt you, try looking up some positions and things that are comfortable for most pregnant women together and see if that helps him feel more comfortable with the idea.
Having that connection is important to most people, but the worst thing either of you can do is stress about that kind of stuff. You have enough going on, don't add that to the list
Debra, proud Army wife to Jesse since February 2011, even Prouder Mommy to Nikolai since February 2011 induction at 36w with pre-e 5lbs and Cassidy born at 33 weeks 2 days at 3lbs 10oz December 2013, natural birth 11 days after PPROM and chorioamnioitis!!
Always remembering our 8 angels (2007-2012)
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October 27th, 2013, 04:19 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,098
I have completely gone off sex. I really just don't want it at all. I think dh has accepted that's just the way my hormones have gone this time. Last time in the 2nd trimester I kept jumping on him. I'm usually ok after the baby is born. With Alex we did 3 weeks after Alex was born and I'd had a c-section. I'm hoping my sex drive will come back soon.
Thank you cavewoman for my beautiful siggy!!!

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October 27th, 2013, 05:52 AM
NewGurl's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 2,339
well im not the best person to ask about this we dont and wont have sex for quite some time

im on pelvic rest for the whole pregnancy
we tried to soon after connor and it was a disaster so I will defiantly be waiting at lest the 6 weeks
& we do not want another baby at the moment so we will likely wait untill after the IUD is inserted and the check to make sure it is still placed proper
so Im problly not DTD agin untill April which is fine by me to be honest.

I can tell you about last time though I honestly had absolutly no desire to DTD for about 6 months after Connor And its nothing to worrry about if it happens to you your body is balancing out from a ton of hormones your downstairs is still reoginizing you have a little being depending on you every second of the day and if your breastfeeding attached to you for 3/4ths of them......the fact that your numberone priority isnt hopping on the rodeo is not an issue to stress about its not even an issue at all.

so I honestly relly whouldnt worry about it your body will ballance out and you will find our make the time and the 2 or 6 or 8 months it takes to do that isnt going to destroy your relationship (if it does the issuues isnt even DTD anyway) If It makes you feel anybetter if your like me when it does come back it will REALLLYcome back Kylie was concived within like 3 weeks of my drive returning lol.
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October 27th, 2013, 09:33 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 4,384
Like others have mentioned, not doing it for a little bit isn't going to break a healthy relationship.

We found other ways of being close. Even if we didn't want it, in those exhausting early weeks we'd cuddle for a while and talk while DD slept. I had a csection so the deed was kind of not an option for a while. I was too sore. We would find time to cuddle and talk.

We did a lot of ordering out and one nice restaurant in town delivers so we could have a nice meal together and something other than just pizza, since neither of us cooked for a couple weeks. We would put a good movie on and eat then cuddle on the couch while DD slept in her swing.

You could also shower together. That was great for us. That was something I missed because my huge belly made that impossible the last couple months lol. Showering together doesn't always have to result in the deed. It's a great way to talk things out, and it's intimate without being too physically challenging. That was honestly one of my favorite things to do in those early weeks. Plus, even just a shower can do wonders on helping you feel attractive and normal again.

My point is, there are other ways to be close outside of bedroom activities. Sometimes that can be not only physically difficult, but emotionally, too. It is important that it gets talked about in depth so you both know where the other is coming from. To be honest, DH didn't want it much either since I wasn't the only one utterly exhausted from staying up in the night and we didn't really miss that particular thing too much in those first few weeks.
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Mom to a 2 year old baby girl, 2 week old baby boy, and one in Heaven.

In loving memory of our angel baby, with us for 4 weeks. Baby went to be with God July 24th, 2009.

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October 27th, 2013, 04:30 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 535
I tried to post in here this morning. But then the little one got ahold of the mouse just as I was getting done with my post and hit the page back button, and started getting fussy so I just let it go and played with her.

We had no problem waiting the full 6 weeks, I was so sore and we were both so tired that it didn't even happen again for a couple weeks after we got the go ahead.

And now his hours just aren't meshing too well with her sleepy time. When they were I was tired from being in the first trimester of this pregnancy.

We find the time though. Once every other week or so, sometimes once a week we'll be home, and in the mood when she's napping. Honestly, it often seems better from waiting longer than we normally would. And I'm sure once they're both a few years older, and so we won't have to get up riiight when they do, we'll have a wee bit more time. Especially if they start sleeping in past 7.
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October 28th, 2013, 08:16 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,105
We just make time. it's hard sometimes because of our other kids and because we are both so tired. But we usually just get up early on Saturday and Sunday and have our between the sheets time then. After this baby is born I know it will be hard for awhile but eventually we will get in the swing of things again and find a schedule that works for us.

you just have to make sure to make your and DH's relationship a priority and make time for you and him.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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October 28th, 2013, 09:24 AM
sarha81's Avatar First-time Mommy to Jake
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 1,295
I can totally relate to your post.

With my first pregnancy, we got back into a normal bedroom routine after the baby started sttn - around 5-6 months -- and I lost most of the baby weight (after a very long slump!).

Don't stress yourselves over it. I know some women are super in the mood, but I am not one of them, and I accept that, and DH copes with it.
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