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  • 1 Post By Mrs. D
  • 1 Post By cofcgirl2004
  • 2 Post By StephanieMitchell
  • 3 Post By 1stTimeMommy92

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  #1  
November 19th, 2013, 04:50 PM
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Location: Media, PA
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My df has work, like every year, on Thanksgiving. He has never been to one of my family's dinners, even when we were just dating. But this year is different, these are our last holidays together before the baby comes. He works in a restaurant and I told him it would mean a lot to me if he could try to ask off, since I do everything to make it to his family's dinner every year (theirs is the day after). Is this being selfish?
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  #2  
November 19th, 2013, 05:11 PM
Mrs. D's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 626
If course asking for something just for yourself is "selfish". That doesn't mean that you're necessarily doing something wrong. If you're just telling him that you would really appreciate the pleasure of his company on Thanksgiving, there is nothing wrong with that. That's called good communication.

Maybe you should try to look at things a little differently, though. If the only reason you want him to ask for the time off is that you want his company, maybe you should remind yourself that he might also want to be with you during that time as well. It's not just about what you want, right?

And I would advise against using your own past actions as leverage to manipulate him. If you are making efforts to join his family for their meal, let it be because you want to spend time with them, and you want to show support for him and his family. Using that to say "Look what I do, now you're obligated to do something in return," is saying that your love has strings attached. It might seem to make sense to you, if you do things for him he should do things for you. But that's sort of a Godfather-ish way to approach your relationship. "I'll do this for you. But some day I'm going to call on you, and I'm going to need you to do something for me in return..." And that is not a good expression of love.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to request that he take Thanksgiving off if it means a lot to you. Just be aware that it might mean something to him, too. And be careful that, if he doesn't or can't, you don't see it like he's failed to "pay you back" for all the nice things you've done for him.
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  #3  
November 19th, 2013, 05:53 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Missouri
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It's perfectly fine for you to ask him to try and ask off for Thanksgiving. I hope he is able to have the day off/switch with someone. It is definitely nice to have the time together.
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  #4  
November 20th, 2013, 03:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. D View Post
If course asking for something just for yourself is "selfish". That doesn't mean that you're necessarily doing something wrong. If you're just telling him that you would really appreciate the pleasure of his company on Thanksgiving, there is nothing wrong with that. That's called good communication.

Maybe you should try to look at things a little differently, though. If the only reason you want him to ask for the time off is that you want his company, maybe you should remind yourself that he might also want to be with you during that time as well. It's not just about what you want, right?

And I would advise against using your own past actions as leverage to manipulate him. If you are making efforts to join his family for their meal, let it be because you want to spend time with them, and you want to show support for him and his family. Using that to say "Look what I do, now you're obligated to do something in return," is saying that your love has strings attached. It might seem to make sense to you, if you do things for him he should do things for you. But that's sort of a Godfather-ish way to approach your relationship. "I'll do this for you. But some day I'm going to call on you, and I'm going to need you to do something for me in return..." And that is not a good expression of love.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to request that he take Thanksgiving off if it means a lot to you. Just be aware that it might mean something to him, too. And be careful that, if he doesn't or can't, you don't see it like he's failed to "pay you back" for all the nice things you've done for him.
I have to disagree that telling your SO that they need to see your side and want to do something for you is not being demanding that in order to be loved, there's strings attached. Simply asking for your SO to be at a family holiday dinner seems like a compromise to me -- marriage is a lot about compromise anyway. She can ask but if her man's job tells him that he needs to be at work and can't have the day off (or risk being fired), then she will have to accept that.

I love my hubby and we have a decent marriage (no one has a "perfect" one) and we often use this reasoning/logic at times when we say "I scratch your back, you scratch mine." It's about sharing chores, sharing responsibilities and the like. I think it's fine to say, "The last five years you haven't been able to have Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day and it's important to me that you try and spend it with my family. Can you ask for that day off?" It's a reasonable request and it may not happen if her man's employer doesn't cooperate but it can't hurt to ask. She can still be kind and ask -- there's no harm in expressing your wishes to your spouse. He may not even understand it bothers her or even considered that she wants him to be part of her family's traditions.

But even in good marriage this concept of compromise in the light of if you do this for me, I'll help you with that... it doesn't always work in all cases. It can be simple in our house where only I do the laundry and hubby only is the one to take out the trash. Compromising on big issues like finances, children and religion may not always work out easy for many couples. But I think on a Thanksgiving dinner request, it's worth a shot for the OP to at least pose the question and bring up her desire to have him around on the holiday.
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Me - 31, Hubby 35 - together for 6 years, married since 2011, TTC 2.5 years

April 2013 - referred to RE due to failed reverse vasectomy

June 2013 - Hubby has TESE / Egg retreival and transfer (IVF/ICSI)

July 9, 2013 - BFP!
July 31, 2013 - 1st ultrasound, one baby bean with heartbeat!

November 7, 2013 - It's a GIRL!

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  #5  
November 20th, 2013, 06:09 AM
StephanieMitchell's Avatar Super Mommy
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I don't think its being selfish for you to ask your fiance to try and be available for Thanksgiving. After all, that's what this time of year is all about... togetherness and family
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Last edited by StephanieMitchell; November 20th, 2013 at 11:36 AM.
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  #6  
November 20th, 2013, 09:16 AM
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Posts: 138
With all the drama between me and fiance, he has made it clear that he doesn't want to go to my mother's house for Christmas (basically because he has been an utter *** and knows everyone knows and just doesn't want to take ownership of it). I told him that we are going and that we both are expected. He does not get to take this holiday away from my mother.

I think clearly expressing your needs and your wants is vital. I also would keep in mind that he may not put the same importance on this day/event as you but you asking is a good enough reason for him to atleast try and get off.
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  #7  
November 20th, 2013, 01:55 PM
Sarah:Marie:IVF:Mommy's Avatar Proud mom of Leiland
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There's nothing wrong in asking him to try and get the holidays off. I don't think there is that much to it. If they say yes great if they say no bummer try earlier next year.
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  #8  
November 20th, 2013, 02:28 PM
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Location: Media, PA
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Thanks for all of your replies! They are very helpful. He is going to try to ask off..he wants to quit there anyways lol but if they say no then oh well he will only be there for a few more weeks and we can start next year. I'll be pretty happy if they give him off but I suspect they wont..oh well :/
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  #9  
November 20th, 2013, 04:46 PM
Mrs. D's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cofcgirl2004 View Post
I have to disagree that telling your SO that they need to see your side and want to do something for you is not being demanding that in order to be loved, there's strings attached. Simply asking for your SO to be at a family holiday dinner seems like a compromise to me -- marriage is a lot about compromise anyway. She can ask but if her man's job tells him that he needs to be at work and can't have the day off (or risk being fired), then she will have to accept that.

I love my hubby and we have a decent marriage (no one has a "perfect" one) and we often use this reasoning/logic at times when we say "I scratch your back, you scratch mine." It's about sharing chores, sharing responsibilities and the like. I think it's fine to say, "The last five years you haven't been able to have Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day and it's important to me that you try and spend it with my family. Can you ask for that day off?" It's a reasonable request and it may not happen if her man's employer doesn't cooperate but it can't hurt to ask. She can still be kind and ask -- there's no harm in expressing your wishes to your spouse. He may not even understand it bothers her or even considered that she wants him to be part of her family's traditions.

But even in good marriage this concept of compromise in the light of if you do this for me, I'll help you with that... it doesn't always work in all cases. It can be simple in our house where only I do the laundry and hubby only is the one to take out the trash. Compromising on big issues like finances, children and religion may not always work out easy for many couples. But I think on a Thanksgiving dinner request, it's worth a shot for the OP to at least pose the question and bring up her desire to have him around on the holiday.
I think you might have slightly misunderstood what I was saying. I agree that it is perfectly legitimate for her to ask her husband to see her side and to do something for her. And I agree that compromise is an important part of a loving relationship. Compromise is when one or both parties set aside what they really want in order to find common ground that both are okay with. And cooperation is good, too. If we have a lot of household chores that need to be done, we can discuss who will be responsible for each chore. Perfectly reasonable.

What I don't think is completely healthy is a mindset, (which I catch myself having sometimes) that something I've done, or am doing, which supposedly is being done for no reason other than I want to do it for my husband, can be used for leverage for things I want from him.

So, for example, I know my husband really loves corned beef and cabbage. I might go to the store sometime and pick up the ingredients, spend a few hours making it just the way he likes it, and surprise him with it for dinner. Just because I love him and want to please him.

Then the next day I notice that a movie I really want to see is playing at the theater, but my husband wants to spend the evening with his guy friends. I might be tempted to say "Last night I spent HOURS preparing a special dinner for you! Can't you just do this one thing for me?"

You see, it's using something that should be done as an act of love as some sort of emotional currency. At that point, even if my husband did take me to see the movie, it would have lost some of it's meaning. He wouldn't be doing it because he wants to spend time with me, or because he wants to please me. He would be doing it to pay back a debt. And that would also diminish the value of the meal I had prepared for him the previous night. It would no longer be a meal made just because I love him, it would be some sort of loan that needs to be payed back somehow.

In our marriage we do arrange things so that we are cooperating and compromising. We take turns and we share duties. But when it comes to generosity, or gifts, or acts of love, we don't keep score.

Sorry this is such a long post. I'm really not angry, I just tend to ramble and I want to make my position clear if there was any confusion.
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  #10  
November 21st, 2013, 12:41 PM
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Location: Media, PA
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My df came home last night and told me he had to work Thanksgiving from 11am to 8 pm I was so sad! Then he said jk I quit!!! I didn't believe him at first untill he showed me the messages lol then I was like you're coming to my families dinner!!! I think he could tell how happy that made me lol
Nicole1481, Mrs. D and Schofield06 like this.
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  #11  
November 21st, 2013, 02:35 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Missouri
Posts: 2,364
So glad he gets to go with you! That's awesome!
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