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Very frustrated about Cora's birthday


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
April 11th, 2009, 07:39 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Nothing I wanted to do is working out. I was talking to DH about it and he said "You know, I'm content with knowing we'll get her back and the happy memories we had when you were pregnant."

Ugh, he just doesn't understand that I need to do something that day. That day is NOT happy, and it's going to be a hard day for me. But some things have come up and I can't afford to do a butterfly release, or even a couple other options I wanted.


*sigh* Why does this have to be so hard?
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  #2  
April 11th, 2009, 07:48 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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oh brittanie hun im the same i feel i need to do something too, im sure whatever u choose to do will just perfect,
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  #3  
April 11th, 2009, 08:05 AM
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I'm sorry you are having a hard time, Brittanie. It must be so frustrating to want to honour Cora a certain way and be unable to do it. Do you have some less expensive ideas that you could do? You will find a way to honour her and if will be perfect because it is from your heart. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I'm thinking of you!
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  #4  
April 11th, 2009, 09:09 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've noticed reading stuff online that a good many men are like that. It just must be some sort of thing some guys have, you know???

I totally understabd your NEED to do something. I don't think there will ever be a birthday of Roald's where I don't do SOMETHING. I can also see how it is especially frustrating for you being away from Jenny Lake this year. What happened to the butterfly release, is that still doable? I've already started thinking of you because Cora's birthday is coming.
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  #5  
April 11th, 2009, 09:19 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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No, I can't do the butterfly release. It's just to expensive with other things that we have to take care of right now.

I guess this is so hard because I sometimes feel like she didn't really exist. I no longer live in the city where she was alive. I no longer hang out with the people who knew me when I was pregnant and therefore knew her. I can't go to Jenny Lake.

The only person here besides me who knew Cora is DH, and he's...well...he doesn't like to "dwell" on it. I've been looking at the pictures of me pregnant with her, and the pictures of her, and her ultrasounds, and her video so often lately, to remind myself that she was really real. I guess that's why this is upsetting me so much.

I don't know. I want to involve DH and the kids, but I don't want to force him into it. It may be just me.

I feel so alone.
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  #6  
April 11th, 2009, 09:25 AM
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Aww, hun. You're not alone. You have us, and we know that she existed (even if we never met her), and we will help you do something special on her day, if you would like. Maybe someone here knows how to make blinkies and can make a butterfly blinkie with her name and dates. I would put it in my signature on her birthday, if you would like. It would sort of be like releasing butterfly's. IDK, that's probably a silly idea. My DH reacts pretty much the same way. He talks about her with me less and less over time. It is pretty isolating.
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  #7  
April 11th, 2009, 09:52 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Laurie~ View Post
Aww, hun. You're not alone. You have us, and we know that she existed (even if we never met her), and we will help you do something special on her day, if you would like. Maybe someone here knows how to make blinkies and can make a butterfly blinkie with her name and dates. I would put it in my signature on her birthday, if you would like. It would sort of be like releasing butterfly's. IDK, that's probably a silly idea. My DH reacts pretty much the same way. He talks about her with me less and less over time. It is pretty isolating.
Actually I think that's a beautiful idea. I think I'm going to do that. You've just made my day. I'll try to get DH to do something with me to, but at all else, I'll have that. Thank you honey!
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  #8  
April 11th, 2009, 11:56 AM
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I am sorry Brittanie! I does feel isolating doesn't it and I find it feels more so year after year. My DH is similar and thinks anything will do or even if we do nothing it's fine. He doesn't understand the compulsion to have things just so. It is so hard when it feels like everyone has forgotten your baby and I always feel like shouting Jake's name when people go on and on about my other kids. Cora existed and still exists in your heart and memories, she is and always will be an important member of your family.
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  #9  
April 11th, 2009, 01:29 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have been having a hard time lately too and a big part of it is the whole idea that sometimes it's hard to remember that he really did exist. Like I never forget him or anything, but it seems surreal. Like I think back on labor and I wonder "Wait, I really went through labor to have him?" Wait, he was actually a little baby? Wait, he actually was alive and kicking weeks before??" I think a big part of it is we don't have any out-of-womb "live" memories of our babies and gradually over time I think subconsciously we start to wonder "Was that real?" I've read about it before so I'm sure it's normal. But it sure hurts.
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  #10  
April 11th, 2009, 05:54 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Aww, an online butterfly release is a beautiful idea!!

Thankfully DH and I are on the same page about doing something on his birthday every year. We buy gifts as if we are buying him something for his birthday and donate it to the NICU or the somewhere like that (last year we did books for the NICU waiting room). What about just a simple balloon release. Sarah Beth kissed her birthday balloon and let it go and said she was giving it to Bryan Luke. I guess she remembered when we did that on his birthday last year, but that she did it on her own was so special.
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  #11  
April 11th, 2009, 08:47 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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That idea of a online butterfly release is a great idea. I am sorry brittanie that you are feeling so alone. You are not alone. Your baby girl was here and was real.

I know malachi's birthday I plan to celebrate it every year. I know that my DH may not feel the same, but that doesn't matter to me. Malachi is my son and i will celebrate him, even through he was only here for 41 weeks
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  #12  
April 11th, 2009, 11:54 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry... it's doubly hard when our partners don't understand that we need something special. I know I had a hard time with my DH on Devin's birthday, because what he wanted/needed was very different from what I did. It's so frustrating!!

I really hope you can find something that works for you. The online butterfly release sounds beautiful!

I know the feeling of trying to hold on to the memories to make it more real. I think we've all been there. But we remember her. I love looking at your happy pregancy photo, the one where you are so big and just glowing. It's just so beautiful.

Cora was here, and we all miss her with you. We remember. She mattered. She is missed.
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  #13  
April 13th, 2009, 11:17 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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She does matter. She is missed. I never knew her, but her beauty and grace shone on me and my dear Marshall when we needed her the most. She is in the hearts of every woman here who read your story, and cheered your subsequent births. Your precious Cora lives on, and is quite the important little person we all knew she would be.

I would love to have her in my siggy. What an honor!
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  #14  
April 13th, 2009, 11:50 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Thank you so much ladies. I knew you'd understand.

Here's Cora's birthday blinkie if you'd like to put it in early. I'll post it everywhere a couple days before her birthday for everyone else.

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Last edited by Brittanie; April 13th, 2009 at 12:03 PM.
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