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  #1  
April 13th, 2009, 09:19 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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In Seattle now... Took a little prop plane down, lots of vibration. I knew my body wouldn't react well, and sure enough, bright red blood when I checked.

I am just going out of my mind. I am so angry because I feel like I spent half of my vacation freaking out.... Fear is pretty much all I can remember from the past week. I'm so mad that I feel like I'm being led on, that I'm going to get kicked hard in a couple days or a week or two weeks. I don't deserve this. I don't need this.

On one hand I feel like if I'm going to miscarry, do it now, don't make me wait. But on the other hand I keep hoping I make it another day.

I just want to get home and bawl.... For all our losses, for all the wasted time, for missing my family, and for the special place in hell that I now sit.

Contant blood has abolutely sucked all the joy out of what I once loved so much.
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  #2  
April 13th, 2009, 09:32 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Oh honey I just want to cry for you. I'm seriously praying harder for you than I ever did for myself. You deserve this baby so much, and I really hope that the bleeding you've been having is from something other than losing the baby. It's so unfair that your body is putting you through all this!! You, of all people, deserve a smooth worry-free pregnancy!!!!

I hope your numbers when you get your betas drawn are fabulous.
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  #3  
April 14th, 2009, 12:55 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i have been praying so hard for u nat everyday i keep coming and checking i actually cried when i read ur 1st post i actually cried to lee and said how life can be so %%^^&&& cruel!
ill keep praying and thinking of u both this week hunnie x all my love
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  #4  
April 14th, 2009, 05:52 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've been checking your blog every day and just praying, hoping that you will say you are still carrying your little bunny.

I know we've all read stories about women having healthy babies even though they had bleeding during pregnancy, but hey, if I were you and I was bleeding I would be freaking out too. It's just impossible not to. I can only imagine that it is beyond frustrating and scary.

I'm just so sorry you're going through all this anguish. I can't wait for your betas, as I'm sure you can't.
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  #5  
April 14th, 2009, 07:25 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Nat, I think I'm not the only on who feels this way --- if there's one person who I check on constantly, it's you. While I know that I am nowhere near the emotional roller coaster you are on, I feel your excitement and sadness and just keep my fingers crossed on a daily basis for you because I can't think of anyone more deserving of a baby.

I know that my words may not mean much, and I know that you don't know me from Adam, but I truly wish I had some pixie dust I could throw over you, to take away all this confusion, unfairness, and injustice. I wish that you could spend 9 months, worry-free, and end up with a healthy baby in your arms that you so deserve.

I have no other words to offer, but am always happy to sit back and listen to the venting. It breaks my heart to see a fellow IFer struggle and try so hard ((hugs)). I will keep praying that this one STICKS, for 9 months, alive and well throughout and beyond.
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  #6  
April 14th, 2009, 08:37 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I'm really really praying hard for you. I have 2 friends who bled throughout the first trimester and went on to have healthy babies, and I'm really hoping that the same happens for you.
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  #7  
April 14th, 2009, 01:36 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Nurse says the blood results look great, I'm definitely pregnant, and she's scheduled me for a pregnancy ultrasound. The beta was 1049, which to me seems a little low, but then again Devin was a total over-achiever with a beta of over 500 on 16dpr, and I knew from the HPTs that this one was a slow starter. She said they don't need me to have a second beta, but I can get one if I want to... and I think I will. Or else I'll just drive myself more crazy.

I was hoping to feel a little bit more "safe" after geting the beta results. I don't really.
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  #8  
April 14th, 2009, 02:01 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm sorry you don't feel safe. If you figure out how to get that feeling though, let me know, because it would be nice for the next time around.
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  #9  
April 14th, 2009, 02:17 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Well for now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time... every day I set my sights on a new milestone. If I can just get a darker HPT, if I can just get a good beta, if I can just see the heartbeat...

Somehow I KNEW the first trimester would be hell for me, even though my loss is in the third. I just had this feeling that it would going to be really really hard. And here we go. It is. (Harder than I thought.)
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  #10  
April 14th, 2009, 02:22 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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That's how I made it through my subsequent pregnancies. Small milestones. I think that's how we all do it, really.

I've never really had an emotionally hard first trimester though. Those are my really physically hard ones. I hope it eases up on you!! I really hope you can get enough peace that you can enjoy your pregnancy.

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  #11  
April 14th, 2009, 03:19 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this, Natalie. I am with everyone else, you deserve this baby. I have everything crossed for you.
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  #12  
April 14th, 2009, 03:45 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You know though, the days when I'm not spotting I feel GREAT and really start to think positively. But those have become very few and far between, and the constant spotting REALLY puts me on edge... even though it's pretty predictable now, and I have a good beta... every time I see it it reminds me not to think too far ahead, not to get too invested. It SUCKS. I just want the spotting to go away so I can enjoy this!!
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  #13  
April 14th, 2009, 04:28 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I've been hesitating to respond....not because I don't care, because God knows I am SO excited for you..but because I don't want to say the wrong thing.

I am SO glad your betas came back as high as they did. That's AWESOME!!!!! I hate that this is going to be a rough ride. That's just not right, sweetie. But we are all strapped in with you!!

Lots of love and loads of sticky dust!
Heather
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  #14  
April 14th, 2009, 04:55 PM
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I am really glad you got a good Beta. The not feeling safe is the crap part of it all. That's wonderful you have days that you feel great and I hope you have more and more of those days. It's a rough ride but you aren't alone.
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  #15  
April 14th, 2009, 09:15 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hey just do what you need to feel comfortable, do what you need to settle yourself. I ended up taking 14 hpts, I tested each day and some nights until I get good betas. LOL. I also bled right through week 17 of my pregnancy. It was so scary at first, but after weeks of it I finally did get to a point where I just expected it as a part of the pregnancy. When it stopped I panicked again, LMAO. You can do it, try not to stress to much (easier said than done eh?)
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  #16  
April 15th, 2009, 01:33 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't know anything about betas or whatnot, but I am praying for you and your bean to stick. **hugs**
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  #17  
April 15th, 2009, 09:33 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Second beta is in the morning! I am really REALLY hoping that the number comes back "good" - don't need great, just need a solid good - and then maybe I can start to believe this will be okay. Maybe.
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  #18  
April 16th, 2009, 02:07 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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fingers crossed for great numbers hun
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  #19  
April 16th, 2009, 09:44 AM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
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Hi Nat, You have been on my mind since the start of all of this. What a nerve wracking journey you've been on so far. I hope your new betas are much higher than you expect. I hope all the bleeding stops. I hope everything does a 180 turn and you can go on with a H&H 9 months. It's so difficult to not think about the inevitable, but keep happy thoughts as much as you can. Please KUP on everything!!
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  #20  
April 17th, 2009, 11:23 AM
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I really truly pray everything is fine. to you.
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