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I was talking to a good friend a while back. When she was 5 years old, her younger sister was stillborn at 20something weeks (I can't remember exactly. 23?). She told me that when she was told that they lost the baby, she thought that her parents had literally misplaced the baby. She thought the baby had been left in the Kmart parking lot and her parents couldn't find her again. And she was terrified of going to Kmart after that because she thought that her parents would lose her.
I can't help but wondering if my saying "I lost my first baby," is subconsciously damaging. I still have lingering guilt that it's my fault. In saying that, am I telling myself that I misplaced my baby?
Also, as comforting as it is knowing that her cause of death was a fluke thing, I hate knowing how she died at the same time. I hate knowing that she strangled. I have this horrible fear of drowning, and I hate knowing that it was like that. I have always tried to picture it as a peaceful thing, since she was so peaceful when she was born, but I just can't convince myself that it was. I feel like I failed her.
I know how you feel. I have been wracked with guilt ever since I was told there was no movement.
I remember one of the last times I felt movement (and possibly the last time); I was bent over the toilet during a weekday vomiting my guts out and he was kicking me so hard and it even felt like he was moving around, trying to get away or something. I touched the side of my uterus where he was and told him it was okay.
I'm sick of getting medical bills with the words "termination" and "abortion" in them. And the word "interruption" makes it sound like it's a temporary thing, and we could resume it if we wanted to. But I can't think of anything better. I think I could get used to "termination", but "abortion" will always upset me, because it's a politicized term and I didn't actually have an abortion. Termination and abortion are not the same thing, but I guess they have the same billing code.
And even the word "stillborn" - I feel like I'm lying to people when I say that, even though we found out afterwards that if I had waited a week that's exactly would have happened.