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Really Struggling


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
April 18th, 2009, 02:57 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
I am suddenly really struggling. I was doing really, really well, but the last 4 days have been really difficult. I'm upset a lot of the time. Everything brings my mood down, even happy things. To add insult to injury, I've had to spend a lot of time alone, away from the things that distract me - tv, books, people, DH. Long car rides - it's just too much time to think about what I've lost.

I'm honestly not quite sure what I need to do to cope. It's funny, I used to be a therapist - fancy degree and everything- and although I used to help others, I seem powerless to help myself.

I've practically abandoned my grief work - maybe that's the problem. I started to write Ethan's story, but I got up to the point where his problems were diagnosed, and I was too sad to finish. I could write about my induction and his birth all day, but the memories of his diagnosis are too much to bear. Even though I know that writing in my journal or working in my grief handbook will probably help, I'm just too depressed.

I'm home all alone today because DH is off with friends (it really was time for him to get back to his bimonthly D&D game), but even though I went out for lunch and to a bookstore, I can't stop thinking about Ethan.

I just wish I could go back, if not to the happy times, at least to last week when I was doing so well. Maybe this is all PMS. I had to lower my psych meds a teensy bit (advance planning for potential problems during my next pregnancy, hard to explain). Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon.
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  #2  
April 18th, 2009, 03:14 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh hon! I'm sorry. I think sometimes the more we know the worse off we are. Maybe you need to be a patient and not the therapist on this one. In other words...stop analyzing WHY you are feeling this way, and let yourself feel it.

It's only been two months. 9 weeks. That's NOT a long time...you are still allowed those days where the world seems unfair. You aren't expected to have it all together. It's those moments we are alone that it all comes crashing down. Maybe forging ahead and finishing a rough draft of Ethan's story would help. Maybe it needs to be set aside for now.

My point is, my dearest friend...let yourself grieve. The process is a never ending circle...sometimes we stay in one place for a while and stall out. SOmetimes we go backwards, and have to work through things all over again. It's ok.

I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying for my mother today. It's been three years. It's ok...I promise you.

As far as meds go...I'm jealous! I went off mine, and it's been so rough this pregnancy.
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  #3  
April 18th, 2009, 05:20 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh yeah, 9 weeks is still SO close to the event. I had a lot of days at that point where it was just completely overwhelming. I am really sorry you are struggling, you know we are all here for you. I hope you can work through this to have some more good days. It's just so hard.
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  #4  
April 18th, 2009, 08:56 PM
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[quote=rebeccabaltimore;15427421]

I've practically abandoned my grief work - maybe that's the problem. I started to write Ethan's story, but I got up to the point where his problems were diagnosed, and I was too sad to finish. I could write about my induction and his birth all day, but the memories of his diagnosis are too much to bear. Even though I know that writing in my journal or working in my grief handbook will probably help, I'm just too depressed.
quote]

I know you read Katrina's story and I know you said it helped you through your difficult journey. But how I got to that point of finally finishing her story was extremely, extremely difficult. I had the exact same problem when writing it. I was actually able to finish it after only a month or so after losing her, but I was up all night sometimes trying to write it b/c it hurt SO much remembering her diagnosis over and over and the tears literally would not stop. I still cannot read her story without bawling. And I don't just mean tears, I mean sobbing. But for me, writing about Katrina or writing in my journal is very therapeutic though.

And like the other girls said, it's only been a short time still. It's going to hurt for a long time and you will have your ups and downs. It's been over 8 months for me and I still long for her and hurt all the time. I actually went through a very good couple of months where I felt like I actually had control on my emotions and knew how to handle losing her. Then it all went downhill. And bad. That's why I had to go back to a therapist.

And being alone is the absolute worst. When I'm sitting in my car alone I get really emotional on long drives (and I went 3 months in my car with no radio / cd player b/c stupid thieves broke into my car the same weekend we lost Katrina.)

Just want to give you big . I really wish I could say something that would just make all the pain disappear.
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  #5  
April 18th, 2009, 09:57 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I never really wrote Cora's story, but I think that her scrapbook was for me what writing it is for you. It was so hard for me to finish all the pictures I had. But it did help.

I agree with Heather though. Stop being your own therapist. Just feel it.

And we're here no matter what.
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  #6  
April 19th, 2009, 12:57 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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its just so **** hard i didnt know how to grieve probably still dont i didnt know what i wanted to do felt like i wanted to do something for jessica but found it to painful but at the end of the day just do what feels right hun it is all still so very raw for u
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  #7  
April 19th, 2009, 09:56 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ugh, I've had a few bouts like this and it's only been 5 months. We'll all probably have times like this for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes I think we avoid "grief work" because **** it-sometimes we're allowed to be depressed and sad. Our babies have died and that is always going to stink, flat out. There will be times when we are going to be sad. We want to find ways around it or to lighten the load, but sooner or later it will nip us in the butt. In the end, you'll start to feel a little better like you did last week. Until then, just remember you're not completely alone in this!!!!!!!!!


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  #8  
April 19th, 2009, 12:07 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
We just got the autopsy report. Which is SO not what I needed right now. It turns out he was even sicker than we thought. And they're really pretty sure that it was my diabetes that caused it. There's pretty much no chance that he would have made it to term. Ugh. My poor little guy.

The good news is that I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist on a Sunday (he's awesome like that) and he undid the medication changes that probably caused me to go off the deep end this week. Once I'm a little more functional (it'll be maybe 2-3 days) I can get back to Ethan's story, and I can submit it to a few sites (including this one).
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  #9  
April 19th, 2009, 12:09 PM
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I am sorry you are struggling but I agree with Heather, just let yourself feel and stop analyzing. You are entitled to have really bad days, how can you not have bad days?? Losing Ethan sucks, no matter how you put it, it sucks. It has only been 9 weeks. Some days, months and months after, I couldn't function. Eventually you will start to have more better days then bad but that doesn't mean you won't have days that you still struggle and it's normal. And as the other moms have said, you are not alone.
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  #10  
April 19th, 2009, 12:23 PM
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I'm sorry to hear about the autopsy report.
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  #11  
April 19th, 2009, 01:56 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am looking forward to reading your story. Reading someone else's story makes me feel closer to them. And I know writing ours made me feel good in the end.

I'm so sorry that you got the results at a time you're feeling down. You just didn't know about your diabetes. I know it probably hurts, but it just wasn't actually your fault. I still blame myself completely for what happened to Roald and it's so irrational. But I do it anyways. I know our situations are different, but I also know you love Ethan and his death was not your fault.

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