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Yesterday Jon and I went grocery shopping and everywhere I looked there were pregnant women. I feel as if I'm being tested. Well I'm failing the test pretty horribly if that's the case.
And I think of the coming months and I get even more depressed as I look into the future because I just don't see myself getting pregnant any time soon. I want to be hopeful, but deep down I just don't see it happening. Everyone keeps telling me 'you'll get pregnant soon' but honestly no one knows what the future holds. What if I'm just not meant to have another baby?
And to add fuel to the fire, Katrina's one year Angelversary is now less than 4 months away. Sometimes I wish I could just go be with my Katrina. I miss her so much.
People keep telling me I've dealt with losing her very well, but they just don't know. They really don't know how often I cry and how much it physically hurts inside. I didn't even know it was possible to be able to produce this many tears. Other than you girls, the only people who know how horribly off I am is Jon and my Mom.
What am I supposed to do? Therapists don't help, going out doesn't help, staying in doesn't help. Nothing works. I feel all alone. And as much as I have you girls to lean on, it just isn't working for me anymore.
I can feel good for a while and then if I hear mention of a baby or pregnancy, I get so miserable and just can't get out of the funk.
I hate having to subject you girls to my depression but my Mom's at work right now and Jon is happily playing video games, so I have no one to talk to.
Unfortunately, I have no magic words. Really, when you're feeling hopeless, no one does (except God). But at the truly lowest times in my life, no human has said anything to make me feel much better.
I don't think it's a big mystery why you're feeling so down and getting worse...And I'm not saying that in a bad way, either. I mean...you've been missing your baby for 8 months, you've been TTC and are having so much frustration with that, and there have been times where even posting hasn't made me feel better either. In my old blog I said it's nice to have people who have experienced the same or similar thing, but really in the end, you're all still i nthe same boat. They can usually make it easier for each other to cope, but it can't change the fact that we are forever scarred. I likened it to being a group of starving people in a bubble...it's nice to have the other people starving with you, but...well, you're all still starving!
But I will say you obviously can't continue to let yourself go too much farther downhill. You will get suicidal and it will start to have a lasting negative affect on all aspects of your life. But for righ tnow...I know it's freaking awful for you. Let yourself feel all the grief and pain and torment. It's normal when life seems to be doing nothing but punching you in the face to feel like there is nothing that could possibly make it better, to lose all hope. But don't let it bring you completely down. Feel your pain, grive your grief and then help yourself out. Hope is vital in life; no matter what your reiligious convictions are. You may feel hopeless now, but you must regain hope. You still have the specialists and you still have years and years of life, Steph. Don't give up hope!!!!
Oh---and I am not trying to sound mean or harsh in anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just saying all this because I care about you!!!! Life will get better for you. I KNOW it will!!!
I'm sorry therapy isn't helping. You could always try a psychiatrist - many psych meds are surprisingly safe for pregnancy/TTC. And soon I'll get myself together and send you the OV Watch - maybe it'll help with TTC.
I'm glad you know you can always come here. You never have to hide how you are feeling here. I feel like I'm being tested sometimes too - seeing friends on Facebook who were once due date buddies. The vent about their pregnancy gripes, and I am SO jealous. They really don't know how good they have it.
oh steph i hate to see u hurting so bad i hurt too i know there is nothing i can do or say to help u because ive been there ive been at rock bottom i had to see a doctor and take the meds they do help hun i really hope it gets a little easier for u hun go get jon and just cuddle eachother that really helped me to cry into lee while he cuddles me it feels so safe.
I swear some of my worst days were not even wholly about Devin, but when even my IVF cycles failed and it felt like maybe I would never have another child. It's such a helpless, hopeless feeling... a double emptiness. Limbo.
And it's kind of weird how people see one side of us and think it's all okay... we function in the outside world... but we're roiling inside.
Have you tried writing in a journal? I know it doesn't work for everyone, but for me it really helped me express all my feelings and kind of work through things a bit.... much better than a therapist, IMO. You can keep it private if you want, or start an anonymous blog if you want support from the blogging community (which is awesome).
Big hugs. I am just so sorry that you are going through this.
Here comes another hurdle in our lives of TTC. It was so simple the first time. Now it's become a project. Every month that goes by gets more and more rough because you feel like your deadline has come and gone. The stress just continues to grow and the waiting just gets longer and longer.
Everyone feels the same way about how I've dealt with the loss of my girls. I handled everything so well. But they don't see me 24/7 when I'm alone and can cry whenever I want. They aren't inside my head and they can't hear my thoughts and how often I think about them and everything that happened.
Maybe seeing a psychiatrist is your best bet. It sounds like you have a lot of pent up grief and anger that is just bubbling inside of you and nothing is going to work to help you feel better. We all want our angels to be with us, but you shouldn't think like that Stephanie. You are just so focused on getting pregnant again, that nothing else will cheer you up. I hope you get your BFP soon.
I know that feeling and I know that words might not help at all. I could not stand it when people told me, you will get pregnant soon, because as you said they had no idea when or if it would happen. Are you seeing the specialist soon? TTC for me became a burden and this stupid thing I had to do every month and every month I felt mocked when I wasn't pregnant. I really hope you get some quick answer when you see the specialist.
I found that people love to tell you have strong you are being. People would ask my mom how i was doing and she would say i was doing ok or good and really I wasn't at all. Have you tried writing in a journal or maybe scrapbooking? Trying a psychiatrist might really help. I know it is rough and I wish it wasn't.
Stephanie, you are in mourning. You are grieving the loss of your precious angel. I think this depression is, strangely, normal for a mom in your situation. Would you believe me if I told you that my therapist told me "You are an incredibly strong woman" and I wanted to laugh out loud?! I REALLY wanted to say "No I'm not. I'm weak. This is a pretty **** good act though, isn't it?!"
It's especially hard when seemingly every woman around you is pregnant; this is how I felt when I was going through IF treatments. I will guess that your feeling is very similar to what I was feeling, and yes ... it SUCKS.
I don't want to sound like I'm preaching (I'm the last person who has a right to do that), but I wanted to share with you things that I've found to be helpful:
* Songs. I find lyrics to songs and post them on my facebook notes. When I'm feeling particularly low, I refer back to those song lyrics, cry my heart out over losing Noah, and go back to my 'new normal.'
* Support sites. While I do spend the most time on here, I am a member of other stillbirth support sites. I can see that around here, at least we have a sense of humor about things and can get angry enough that we can honestly ***** and moan without being judged. On other sites, I see women doing NOTHING BUT pizzing and moaning about everything. Not only losing their babies, but everything. That really brings me down sometimes because I can't imagine not being thankful for a lot of things in my life -- job, DH, roof over my head, etc.
* Journaling. I didn't do this until my therapist suggested this. I am seeing her for various reasons, but losing Noah and not getting any support from family and IRL friends put me over the edge and pushed me to begin seeing one. She suggested I journal my thoughts; it helps me more than I could imagine.
* Sugar. Give this up (junk food sugar and simple carbs) and I promise you will feel better after a few days. It may not make the grieving go away, but it will make you think with a clearer head (on the flip side, don't do high-protein/no carb diets. I tried this for 10 days and was an absolute basket case, depressed over everything).
* Exercise. I know it's hard to preach about this when I can barely take my own advice, but it really does help with depression.
I'm suggesting these things only because they worked for me. And as mentioned before, it might be very beneficial to see a RE to take some of this confusion and anger away as to why it's taking so long to see another BFP
Hugs to you. You ARE stronger than you might give yourself credit for
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
Hey Steph, You've been on my mind since I've read this and I just keep thinking about your fights with DH. You were not getting along so well before vacation. I was wondering how things are doing there? I'm hoping you and him have worked out your differences as much as possible and are getting along now. You don't have to get into details, just give a thumbs up if things are ok.
thanks girls as always for all your help. As for journaling and scrapbooking, I do agree, it really does help. The last couple of days I just found out 2 people I know are pregnant and it just hit me all over again and made me a complete mess yesterday. I actually felt quite good today (other than the first email I opened at work was head office congratulating someone on the birth of their baby girl). But I got through it. I AM happy for others having babies. I can look at it as a source of hope for my future.
Thanks for asking Steph! I really appreciate it. You know, everything has been really good lately. Small fights here and there (which is normal anyway), but I feel as if we've been able to open up more to each other. I talked to him a few days before we went away and just told him how much I ache for losing Katrina and just having so much trouble TTC is just adding on to the pain. He feels the exact same way. I know I shouldn't argue with him b/c he's in the same situation as me. I know he wants a baby soooo badly, and all he wants is to see me happy again and for him, he knows how to control his emotions much better and how to stay occupied so he doesn't have to deal with it (typical guy). He told me it hurts to see me so down, but he doesn't know any better way to deal with my sadness. He really is an amazing husband and I am so fortunate to have him
Thanks for the update Steph. I'm happy to hear you and DH are getting along better. Men have a lot of non-emotions. They hurt and love and everything in between but how dare they show it!! Us women show everything.