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So I was at Burlington shopping with my BF Lori and her daughters Amy (6) and Savanna (12) and of course Ella. They were there all through my pregnancy and the girls were so very excited about the twins. I am very close to them, especially Savanna as I have been there since she was born and even lived with them for a few years when she was a baby. Savanna is the one who named Logan, which she was always so proud of.
Well, so we were shopping and going down the aisle with all the jumpers and bouncers and exersaucers. All of a sudden Amy (the 6 yr old) says "Ya Ya look!" (yaya is what they call me, what everybody calls me really). "Ya Ya look! If Logan was still alive you could buy him that!" and she was pointing to this racecar bouncer thing. Then she keeps saying it over and over "Ya Ya look look! Mama look! If Logan was here you could buy him that! Would you buy that for him if he was here?" I said "yes Amy, and I would buy him that. I really would".
It just tore me up inside. Lori apologized and I told her NOT to apologize, that while it is jolting coming out of nowhere sometimes, in my heart I am glad that she thinks of him and hasn't forgotten he was supposed to be here with us. We went on shopping and Lori walked off with Amy and Nan (Savanna) stayed with me. We went down an aisle that had boy clothes on one side and girl clothes on the other. We were shopping for Ella, but I couldn't help touching the little boy things and the tears started coming. I fought them back as best I could but I know Savanna saw them and I know it made her sad too. What's funny is I remember buying little boy clothes when we first found out that he was for sure a boy but we weren't 100% sure about Ella being a girl and so I wasn't buying girl things but I kept saying "I sure hope I have one of each so I can buy both, I don't want to just buy little boy things, girl stuff is cuter". I feel guilty about things like that now because I would give everything I have, give my life, to just to be able to buy the boy things now. To have Logan here to buy them FOR.
I dunno. It was just a hard day yesterday. When they came back to the house, I went through and gave Lori a bunch of Ellas clothes that she's outgrown (Lori is 6 months pregnant with another girl), and even though it was just Ellas clothes, they reminded me of when she was first born and all the heartache and sadness. Sad that her clothes don't remind me of the happiest time of my life. I hate that her beginning was his end. I hate it. And while I was going through her clothes, all I could think of were Logans clothes in the box under the bed. It's like they were calling to me. I wanted to get them out and go through them and look at them. But I didn't.
I'm rambling now. I guess I just wanted to share. The walk for the March of Dimes is this weekend (my company formed a team in Logans memory) and while I'm glad to be doing something good, I hate that I'm doing it at all because I hate that he's not here. I miss him so badly. I ache inside. It's almost feels like a physical PAIN sometimes it hurts so much.
b/g twins Logan and Ella
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure
Oh that thought brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry that it hit you like that. I'm sorry for he guilt that you feel for things you said. I think we all have that. I remember on the Saturday before (she passed Sunday night, we confirmed it Monday), I was SO sick and in SO much pain that I told a friend I almost didn't care about the baby, I just didn't want to be pregnant anymore. Well at the end, I wasn't pregnant, but I didn't have the baby either.
Anyway, maybe it would be good for you to take a moment, when Ella is napping, to look at his clothes again. I know I occasionally pull out Cora's box and scrapbook and just remember. I remember the pain, yes, but I remember how happy I was when I was pregnant too.
Uh, I have had times like this, too. They hurt so bad and I'm so sorry you have to go through them. I think children who know about our lost babies are really sweet, though. Sometimes it catches you off guard, but like you said, they're so sweet in that they remember them and still bring them up. They're just so innocent and raw with their emotions.
Don't be hard on yourself for thinking when you were pregnant that girl stuff is cuter. I think everyone really would be happy with either gender but I also know when it comes to stuff being cute alot of people have a boy/girl stuff preference. My mom felt really guilty after I lost Roald because she wanted a girl and she had lied to other people telling them I was disappointed when I found out Roald was a boy (I never said I was disappointed or that I wanted either gender, my mom is the one who felt that way). When I told my dad he was a boy he said "That's good, too". I remember being really angry back then but after I lost him I thought about how bad they probably felt. It's funny how we will make outselves feel so guilty about the smallest thing.
while its nice to know people even the kids think about jessica (angels) it does take your breath away when they say there names, after i lost jessica i always used to look at peoples babies in the prams and cry cause i knew i should have a pram pushing jessica around.
this pain is pyhical i hurt in my heart its as bad as any pain if not worse than ive ever felt i just hate that we have to deal with this forever sometimes i think that i cant cope knowing i have to feel it for the rest of my life.
to you! All the innocent things we say that have no meaning and then we end up feeling so guilty. It' so nice to hear someone else remember our angels but so hard to hear as well when it comes out of the blue. I always thought that labour would be the worst physical pain I would have to feel and I so sad that I was wrong.