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I never knew I could be so hurt in life. I've lost many people in my life. Many people that I've needed and never wanted to them to leave me. But never in my life did I ever think I would lose my babies. I was so naive when I found out all the complications that come with monochorionic diamniotic twins. I thought to myself, I've been so lucky through out life that my babies will be just fine. I read and read and read and did all the research I could on Twin to Twin Transfusion syndrome and did everything I could to prevent it. I thought that I won't be part of those statistics, my babies won't get TTTS. Was I right. They didn't get TTTS. Kaitlin got Absent End Diastolic Blood Flow and Velamentous Cord Insertion. I never knew they would both die. I never knew this could be a possible outcome. Never, in any of my research did I find out any of this information. Even after I found out about these conditions, I couldn't find much on it. I know other people have lost twins to these problems but not enough research has been done to heal it.
I hurt so much because I was their Mom and I couldn't help them. I couldn't save them. They were my babies and I let them down. I let them down in the worst way ever. I feel like such a failure. I'm so scared to be pregnant again. So scared to the point that I don't even think I want children now. I don't know that I can do it. This hurt has broken me. I'm in so many pieces I don't know if I'll be together ever again. It's so hard to lose your first born. It makes me feel so wronged in life. Makes you feel like a big JOKE, KWIM? I feel like there is nothing to succeed for anymore. As a woman, to lose your baby feels like a huge huge failure. This is part of us, this is our being. To be Mothers and to fail at it the first time around is just a knife going through your heart repeatedly for the rest of your life. For any women, at any point in her life, at any point in her pregnancy to lose a baby is a huge disappointment. It doesn't matter if it's your first or your last baby, it all hurts.
Ladies, I wish we never had to go through this. I wish none of us had to have this pain.
I'm sorry, I just needed to vent a bit today. I have come to realize that I've buried my pain to far and I need to let it out. I've become a little to bitter from it.
I have been feeling really depressed today and it looks like I'm not the only one. I, too, feel like a complete failure as a woman. And I see my stepson every day and it makes me so angry that some 16-year-old BLEEP stopped taking her BC pills to get pregna t with him on purpose to "be set for life" and she never had any problems with him or the other two pregnancies (fathered by another man) and she doesn't care for her kids at all.
And yet people like us have to lose our babies, who we actually love and want. My grandma is dying and I feel sort of jealous that she is going to get to meet Roald before me. The groundskeeper at the cemetary is the meanest most unfair jerk i nthe world. I'm scared out of my mind for this baby. It's just overwhelming.
I hope you do decide to have children because I personally think you will make a wonderful mom. I know it's just so scary though. I feel like I failed Roald so much. I blame myself for everything. I yell at my self saying I didn't do this or that. It's just heartbreaking what we have to go through.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. Don't feel bad, but you brought so much back. I know that pain, that hurt, that failure. Our situations are different and I can't imagine what it would be like to lose TWO.
I think we all that that naiveté. My grandmother's first was stillborn. My mother's first was stillborn. But I didn't think at all that it would ever happen to me. My grandmother lost hers 56 years ago. My mother's situation could possibly been prevented had they just done an ultrasound. I thought that modern medicine had come so far that it didn't happen anymore.
But you will slowly start to put those pieces back together. But like a broken pitcher, it won't ever be the same. You can glue it back together, but it will forever bear the mark.
I wish I could give you your hope back. It really is so terrifying to decide to try again. When you aren't pregnant, you are in control and you know you won't feel that pain again. Letting go of that control is the most terrifying thing ever.
awww steph i hate to see u hurting i hate to see any of us hurting! it upsets me when anyone here is upset cause i know how much it hurts to feel this pain and i know that it will never go not completely go. pregnancy after a loss is so scary hun but i give u hope i know its hard and we will be here for u every step of the way...
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Irrational as it is I am sure we all felt like failures and that our bodies betrayed us. It is very scary to think about being pregnant again. I was the same as Brittanie and assumed that modern medicine had made more advances regarding pregnancy then they actually had. I am just so sorry you even have to think about making a decision!
Stephanie, your post made me so sad for you. I wish you didn't have to experience a loss that is so much bigger than all of us put together, something that's so unfathomable. It hurts. Deeply. There is no greater pain than losing your child, there just isn't.
It's good to vent, and you know all of us are readily available to listen. I wish you comfort and hope (really hope!!) that you get your well-deserved BFP really, really soon.
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
Vent away. I know about the guilt, it's so hard. I live with daily guilt knowing I could have demanded more attention when I wasn't feeling Logan as much, yet I didn't. I trusted the doctors around me and Logan trusted me. Logan lost. The guilt is overwhelming. Not only did I let him down, I let Ella down as well. It eats at me too.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. It seems so many of us are having a rough time lately.
I do hope that you'll reconsider (at some point) ttc'ing again. You have a wonderful heart and would make a kind and loving, awesome mom. But I understand your feelings. I feel the same way about having another any time soon. I would be terrified out of my mind. I don't know how I''ll do it if we ever decide to.
PM me if you want to talk.
b/g twins Logan and Ella
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure
I'm so sorry Steph. Losing a baby is SO difficult and completely changes our perspective and takes away any bit of innocence we once had. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to have more kids either since I'll be worrying non-stop, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. I worry about getting pregnant again in the first place and then I think when I actually do get pregnant, how the hell am I going to make it through the 9 months without completely freaking out with worry. But I do also hope you'll reconsider having more children.
And do I ever know all about the failure feeling. I am Katrina's mom and I should have been able to protect her. There is so much guilt I live with regarding her diagnosis, although I know I did everything properly in my pregnancy, but it is something that will always eat me up inside.
Thank you girls so much. Your words are so inspiring. We are going to continue to TTC. Dh is really aching for a baby and I can't let him down. I wanted children before we were married, he didn't. Then we lost the girls and now he's so excited, he hurts for our loss, but is just so excited to have a baby. I can't change my mind on him. I may be having issues now and until I'm holding the baby in my arms, but I'm sure I'll be OK.
I must say that I do not like how we don't "know" each other. I wish we could meet up and cry for hours and then laugh for days.
You're just scared to have more kids. I think we all feel that. I know I do at least. Having to go through the pregnancy and the worrying and knowing what could happen is the scariest and worst part of it all. You'll be a great mom, and you are a great mom to your twin angels.
I wish we could all meet up as well. It's hard to express real emotions on the internet and it's hard to talk to people I know about this in person, b/c no one has been through what I went through and knows the pain I suffer on a daily basis.