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I don't know how to grieve this


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
April 25th, 2009, 09:03 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm just at such a loss, ladies. I'm sad, and I know I'm sad, but it's like my emotions have been shut off. I didn't have time to bond with the baby, there was no heartbeat, in a way I feel like I lost something that didn't even exist. But I lost the hope. I lost the joy, I lost the promises.

And with our issues.... there's no guarantee I will be pregnant in 2 months' time, when we do our next frozen transfer. I don't even want to think about if that doesn't work.

I am SO irritable. My poor DH is getting the brunt of it. Every time he even tries to touch me, I flick his hand away. Even him just leaning casually against me on the couch just BOTHERS me. And I know it's not HIM that's bothering me, it's me. It's like I just can't handle... well, anything.

But I'm not CRYING. And I want to cry!! I want to scream and rage and feel hopeless and bleak and then pick myself up and move forward, like I always do. But this time there's just nothing there. I'm so, so emotionally drained.
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  #2  
April 26th, 2009, 06:24 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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I realize that my infertility journey wasn't to the extent yours was, but I do remember a feeling different every month that Aunt Flo reared her ugly head.

There were months that I'd cry and scream and rage; there were months that I felt optimistic and thought "Great! We can soon start trying for one again!", there were months I felt like I just didn't care anymore and even questioned if I wanted a baby at all; there were months that I'd convince myself that if it wasn't happening, it was for a reason ... worst for me were those months that I felt SO drained, like someone took a vacuum and emptied out my insides.

Just out of curiosity ... are you considering "taking some time off" between now and the next procedure (to give yourself a physical and emotional break for a little while)? Have you ever paired IVF treatments with acupuncture? Have you ever considered using herbs to give your body a boost?

Take care of yourself, Nat. You have been through more ups and downs than I think should be allowed by law
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  #3  
April 26th, 2009, 06:46 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Earlier losses are different. We think there was no bonding, like feeling the baby kick or hearing their heartbeat. But like you said...it's all those hopes and dreams that are now gone alone with that tiny little baby. I know you said that they told you the baby wasn't developing right and you said that made it easier...that you didn't have to stop a hearteat. I agree. When I had my early miscarriage it had been the first time I was pregnant and we were both so exctied...so when 4 days after we found out I lost it...we were devastated. To us, we believe it had a soul, so we grieved that too. But we just felt blindsided...we had all sorts of hopes and then out of nowhere we lost it.

Of course, I know your innocence was gone this pregnancy. But you were still happy and excited and wanting this baby so badly. And no one likes to thin kafter one traumatic loss that it's going to happen again. I mean, of course you fear that, but I think most us tend to try to assure ourselves "that wouldn't happen twice to someone". And of course in your situation there's so much extra frustration and pain.

I was extremely irritable after we lost Roald....most especially with Bill. To the point where I told my pastor and his wife about it. It wasn't right after, but more like a week after and on for a few months. I can imagine you feel angry inside and really, right now you've got a right to be!!!



Oh and I also wanted to say that I like your siggy with lambie and Oreo. It's cute
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  #4  
April 26th, 2009, 07:37 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I usually don't post in here, but since your blog really doesn't relay this type of info, Im going to add it here.. I'm sure Claire and Jenn won't mind.

Have you thought about finding the sappiest movie or music that you can? When I got worried last summer that I wasn't crying on my boys angelversary (different than your loss, much different) I put on "My Name" my George Canyon and my tears were there in seconds!

HUGS Natalie.
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  #5  
April 26th, 2009, 08:31 AM
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i have felt this way too i feel like i want to cry and then find myself not bein able to cry i dont know how to grieve either 4 years later i still feel like i havent or dont know how i feel stupid cause i just cry at songs ( as ashley says) or at films at the drop of a hat.
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  #6  
April 26th, 2009, 08:53 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thankds, Ladies. I did end up crying for a little bit last night, but it was quickly over and didn't really leave me feeling like I got it all out. Grrr.


Quote:
Originally Posted by grlpisces View Post
Just out of curiosity ... are you considering "taking some time off" between now and the next procedure (to give yourself a physical and emotional break for a little while)? Have you ever paired IVF treatments with acupuncture? Have you ever considered using herbs to give your body a boost?
We have this month off, but next month is the next FET. Right now I'm just itching to get started... I feel like the longer I spend not-pregnant, the worse I feel. I haven't tried acupuncture yet, I don't know of any good practicioners around here, nor herbs. I've always been leery with meddling with my body, even with western medicines.

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Originally Posted by BakingMommy View Post
Oh and I also wanted to say that I like your siggy with lambie and Oreo. It's cute
Awww, thanks. I just love that picture, it makes me smile to see it every day when I post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tithen~ View Post
Have you thought about finding the sappiest movie or music that you can? When I got worried last summer that I wasn't crying on my boys angelversary (different than your loss, much different) I put on "My Name" my George Canyon and my tears were there in seconds!
Oh that's a great idea! I'm going to have to do that.
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  #7  
April 26th, 2009, 01:35 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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When I lost my son, someone explained it to me like - when you are in so much physical pain that you actually pass out to protect yourself from feeling it.......but mentally. You've made it through time and again and you will make it through this too. Give yourself some time and know that what you are feeling is completely normal. I hope that your hubby can be understanding, I know when I lost my son I took it out on DF alot but he knew what/why and didn't take offense.

Great Big to you!!
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  #8  
April 26th, 2009, 04:41 PM
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Just wanted to add my , wish I could say something that would make it better. I hope your DH doesn't take offense, I took some of my anger out on mine after our loss because it was easier then dealing with my pain at times. I found I needed to feel something besides devastation and anger was an easy substitute.
BTW your new siggy is beautiful!
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  #9  
April 26th, 2009, 05:08 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BellaBellski View Post
When I lost my son, someone explained it to me like - when you are in so much physical pain that you actually pass out to protect yourself from feeling it.......but mentally. You've made it through time and again and you will make it through this too. Give yourself some time and know that what you are feeling is completely normal. I hope that your hubby can be understanding, I know when I lost my son I took it out on DF alot but he knew what/why and didn't take offense.

Great Big to you!!
That totally makes sense, and yeah, that's quite possible why I'm so "shut off." I may just be at the edge of what I can take!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LauraG View Post
Just wanted to add my , wish I could say something that would make it better. I hope your DH doesn't take offense, I took some of my anger out on mine after our loss because it was easier then dealing with my pain at times. I found I needed to feel something besides devastation and anger was an easy substitute.
BTW your new siggy is beautiful!
He knows why I'm so irritable, though I'm sure it bugs him. He's been really good. And thanks!
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  #10  
April 26th, 2009, 07:11 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I know for me, my 3 chemical pregnancies were not tough on me because of the baby I'd lost but they made me relive my loss of Clark all over again. The emotions I had were of how unfair it was that we were even going through it because we should have already had a baby. We shouldn't have been trying again.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
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  #11  
April 26th, 2009, 08:55 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AliciaF View Post
I know for me, my 3 chemical pregnancies were not tough on me because of the baby I'd lost but they made me relive my loss of Clark all over again. The emotions I had were of how unfair it was that we were even going through it because we should have already had a baby. We shouldn't have been trying again.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I do think that's a big part of it, too. Not that I'm having flashbacks in a bad way, but I'm just so ticked off what I'm in the position of having to go through this, when I should be PAST this now. I should have a child in my arms, not be struggling through more loss.
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  #12  
April 26th, 2009, 09:05 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarmagic View Post
I do think that's a big part of it, too. Not that I'm having flashbacks in a bad way, but I'm just so ticked off what I'm in the position of having to go through this, when I should be PAST this now. I should have a child in my arms, not be struggling through more loss.
Exactly. It just really, really sucks.
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  #13  
April 26th, 2009, 09:44 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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For some reason I've been trying since I first read this to think of something amazing to say. But I know there IS nothing. Except that it just sucks, and you totally don't deserve this. I'm so angry for you.

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  #14  
April 27th, 2009, 12:54 PM
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oh Natalie, I'm sorry. I've never had a miscarriage and certainly not since losing Logan. But I do know about the irritability. Sometimes my skin would crawl when dh was near me. And for no reason! He hadn't done anything to me, or caused me to lose Logan. But I was so irritable towards him. same thing, pushing his arm away if he put it near me, or even worse-just moving away from him all together!

I cried constantly but I also took my frustrations out on him and I still get like that. When I start being a b*tch, sometimes he'll be like "what the hell is going on with you? are you upset about Logan?". He just knows. (but nobody make the mistake of thinking he's oh-so- in-tune. he only does that SOMETIMES. most of the time he's completely clueless in every arena of life).

Anyway, I hope things get better and that you're able to let out any emotions that haven't been released.
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  #15  
April 27th, 2009, 04:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brittanie View Post
For some reason I've been trying since I first read this to think of something amazing to say. But I know there IS nothing. Except that it just sucks, and you totally don't deserve this. I'm so angry for you.

I feel like I should be able to say something since I had an ectopic in December, but the truth is that I haven't gone through all the things you've gone through. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. It is so unfair and so wrong that you should have to go through this on top of everything. I am so angry for you, I really am.
As for me, I knew that there was something wrong with my ectopic pregnancy from the beginning. I was alerted to the pregnancy because I was having mid-cycle bleeding, so I never grew that attached. Honestly, I was angry that I finally got pregnant only to lose again. I was REALLY angry that I lost my tube and ovary. I mourned what should have been, what I lost, and what it might do to my future fertility. It was completely different from losing Eva. You will process this loss over time and you will mourn the way you need to for this loss, it just might take some time.
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  #16  
April 27th, 2009, 07:31 PM
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From PAL.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hope you don't mind me sharing this.
My first several miscarriages I thought it was the most devestating thing that could ever happen to me, then I lost twin girls at 16 wks after that loss I became numb to most every loss after that until my 7th loss. After I lost Caitlyn, I started grieving again. Caitlyn died at 12 wks but because my body didn't realize she had passed and the Dr didn't think anything was wrong I didn't know she died until I was 17 wks. I lost it and I really grieved not only for her but the early losses also.
What you are going through is so normal. You are grieving but in a way you have never grieved because you really didn't know this baby but you are still grieving it. I know for me it wasn't I didn't love the early losses after Bethany and Brittany it's that their loss was so much later and I knew them and I didn't want to take away from their memory or love to grieve for a baby who only was conceived for 2-3 wks.
Again I am so sorry.
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  #17  
April 27th, 2009, 07:50 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Laurie~ View Post
I feel like I should be able to say something since I had an ectopic in December, but the truth is that I haven't gone through all the things you've gone through. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. It is so unfair and so wrong that you should have to go through this on top of everything. I am so angry for you, I really am.
As for me, I knew that there was something wrong with my ectopic pregnancy from the beginning. I was alerted to the pregnancy because I was having mid-cycle bleeding, so I never grew that attached. Honestly, I was angry that I finally got pregnant only to lose again. I was REALLY angry that I lost my tube and ovary. I mourned what should have been, what I lost, and what it might do to my future fertility. It was completely different from losing Eva. You will process this loss over time and you will mourn the way you need to for this loss, it just might take some time.
I either didn't know or forgot about your ectopic. You lost your tube and ovary both? Oh I'm so sorry. Why did they have to take your ovary too? When did they discover the ectopic? It is totally different from the stillbirth... I guess that's what I'm struggling with. It's SO different... and... well, not less, but it doesn't feel like a loss in the same way. I don't know. I'm sure it will work itself out in time...


Quote:
Originally Posted by nickjonmom View Post
From PAL.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hope you don't mind me sharing this.
My first several miscarriages I thought it was the most devestating thing that could ever happen to me, then I lost twin girls at 16 wks after that loss I became numb to most every loss after that until my 7th loss. After I lost Caitlyn, I started grieving again. Caitlyn died at 12 wks but because my body didn't realize she had passed and the Dr didn't think anything was wrong I didn't know she died until I was 17 wks. I lost it and I really grieved not only for her but the early losses also.
What you are going through is so normal. You are grieving but in a way you have never grieved because you really didn't know this baby but you are still grieving it. I know for me it wasn't I didn't love the early losses after Bethany and Brittany it's that their loss was so much later and I knew them and I didn't want to take away from their memory or love to grieve for a baby who only was conceived for 2-3 wks.
Again I am so sorry.
First, I am so sorry for all of your losses... goodness. And that makes SO much sense... I think you just hit the nail on the head. I feel like... if I grieve this one I'm somehow take away from Devin for this. Like... I don't want this recent one to overshadow what I'm still dealing with about Devin... not just to me, but to the minds of others, you know? It's all just so confusing in my head.
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  #18  
April 27th, 2009, 08:13 PM
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You won't take away from Devin, by grieving for this one, they are and were different in your life and heart.
(((HUGS)))
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  #19  
April 28th, 2009, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarmagic View Post
I either didn't know or forgot about your ectopic. You lost your tube and ovary both? Oh I'm so sorry. Why did they have to take your ovary too? When did they discover the ectopic? It is totally different from the stillbirth... I guess that's what I'm struggling with. It's SO different... and... well, not less, but it doesn't feel like a loss in the same way. I don't know. I'm sure it will work itself out in time...
I was 7 weeks 4 days when the initial rupture happened, although we didn't know how serious it was until about a week later. They were trying to treat me with methotrexate and the rupture kind of happened in stages, the last one ending with me in the ER hopped up on so much morphine that my bp was tanking. I had surgery an hour later and they found that I had been bleeding out and I lost a quarter of my blood volume. The doctor told me that he couldn't even tell where the ectopic had been (in my tube or on my ovary) because it was all just one twisted mess.
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  #20  
April 28th, 2009, 03:44 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Laurie~ View Post
I was 7 weeks 4 days when the initial rupture happened, although we didn't know how serious it was until about a week later. They were trying to treat me with methotrexate and the rupture kind of happened in stages, the last one ending with me in the ER hopped up on so much morphine that my bp was tanking. I had surgery an hour later and they found that I had been bleeding out and I lost a quarter of my blood volume. The doctor told me that he couldn't even tell where the ectopic had been (in my tube or on my ovary) because it was all just one twisted mess.
Oh sh*t! I shudder just thinking about it... that is crazy scary. Wow. I'm glad you are okay after that!! I'm just saying a little word of thanks to the universe that mine didn't rupture.
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