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I used to like to think about the future but now I can't. It's just difficult after a loss because there's always the empty space(s) of our angels. Now I'm just living for today. Doing what I have to do and moving onto the next day. If I do think about the future it's not that far into it, maybe just a year or so and what needs to be done to the house. Nothing exciting at all.
When I was pregnant with the twins ... boy did I ever envision the future with both of them in it, from how I'd play some upbeat music and all of us would dance silly around the living room down to when they were teenagers and would want to start their own band up until they became adults on their wedding day.
What an absolute kick in the *** that all became the moment the perinatologist told me he couldn't find Noah's heartbeat. It was like a bullet punching a hole through the glass, and just watching that glass shatter in front of me. None of those fantasies were ever going to come true, ever.
So now, I take life day by day. I have no visions of Julia's future; I just love her and hug her and enjoy her in the moment. I have no visions of the new baby; I just go to sleep at night thanking God that I had another pregnant day. Heck, I can't even bring myself to get attached to this pregnancy yet because I don't even know what's going on behind the scenes --- is there a fetal pole? Is there a heartbeat? Is there even a gestational sac? Will this result in a live birth?
It sucks like mad to live this way, but I gues I cherish things more this way also
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
When I was pregnant with Cora I lived for the future. I was SO miserable, I couldn't help but think "I just have to get through this. I'll be happy when I have Cora in my arms." And then it didn't happen that way.
For the first year after, it was so hard to think about the future. Like Barb, I just thanked God for each day I was pregnant with Erin and hoped that I'd get to hold her while she breathed and take her home. It hurt so much to think about any future at all, because Cora isn't in it.
I guess as time has gone by, It's getting easier to picture the future. Not far. But the other day I was taking a walk with Erin and couldn't help but picture in my mind her first day of Kindergarten.
So I plan for the future. I have a rough sketch of how I would like the next 5/10 years to go. But I am appreciating every day now, and trying to create those small moments that make happy memories. I'm trying to keep pictures of every second in my mind.
I don't really think or dream about the future anymore. Instead, I worry about the future. Since I lost Katrina, it opened my eyes and made me realize that bad things do happen to good people. Sometimes I think about how last year at this time I was so happily pregnant and had absolutely no idea that such a horrible outcome was going to happen.
I used to be the type where I would plan my life. I was supposed to have my first baby by the age of 26. Well I guess I was only a year late, but the unimaginable happened and forever threw off my life. Now all I do is worry for the future - what if I'm not meant to have more children, what if something bad happens again. argh it's so annoying. So I'm trying to just take it day by day, but that's very difficult when all I can think about is having healthy, surviving children in the future.
And not having Katrina in my future just tears me up inside.