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The Lack of Support Online


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 16th, 2009, 10:22 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's frustrating.

Somehow, and I DO understand, what I did was abort Jonah by inducing labor.

However, there are millions of parents out there like me...who know that inducing labor was THE only way to allow my child to die gracefully. Search "anencepholy support" and you get sites where even the creators state that if you chose induction, you are not welcome. "We are pro-life...". Guess what? So am I! What kind of life would Jonah have had?

I'm going down this list of supports given to us yesterday by the genetisist...half are shut down..the other half are tiring to read through.

Man! I am SO lucky to have found you!!!!
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  #2  
May 16th, 2009, 10:52 AM
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and for this very reason is why it took me a long time to finally tell my story on here of Katrina. It was scary looking around the internet and people bashing people who had to make our sort of decision. They have NO idea what we've gone through, so they can shut their face. Katrina would have led an absolutely horrible life

But the support I've gotten from you ladies has been so amazing. And I'm sure there are a few people on JM who do disagree with what we've done, but thank God no one has had the nerve to say anything rude to me and I hope it stays that way!

to you, Heather
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  #3  
May 16th, 2009, 11:11 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am SO SORRY people dare judge you for the terrible decision you had to make. I cannot see it as ANYTHING but compassionate and loving. For heaven's sake, you wanted that baby more than anything! I am disgusted that people can't look beyond their own issues to help someone in need and recognize your grief. Again, I am so sorry. Know that here we all support and love you and your son and know you were and ARE a wonderful mother to him.
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  #4  
May 16th, 2009, 11:35 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you. I'm just....tired and needing to hear that my son's ok now. Thank you ladies.

Steph...I've not had a bad experience here either, and neither on my Catholic site. But it's weird to go to anencephaly sites and not be welcome, or be shut out of others. It's hurtful!

I'm tired of being hurt, kwim?!!
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  #5  
May 16th, 2009, 12:54 PM
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I'm sorry you feel hurt by support groups that won't welcome you hun.

I was a member (actually I still am, but don't post anymore) of an online anencephaly support group.
Anencephaly Support is a pro-life group that is there to support those who chose to carry to term. There are a few members who induced early due to misinformation from the medical profession (such as saying the mothers life was at risk, future pregnancies were at risk, the womb could tear etc), but had they the right information they would have carried to term. It would be hard for someone like yourself, having so recently lost your son to be in a group where there are women carrying their babies to term, who could be at the stage of pregnancy you would be at now etc, just as it wuld be hard for those women to talk about their babies kicking etc when you grieve for your son, so I hope you understand why that group might not let you join.

I have just spent the last hour trying to find you a support group and there are a few groups for those who chose to induce early, but I don't think they're very active

Forgotten-Angels : Angels that live forever in our hearts!
anencephalyangels : Termination due to anencephaly
interruptedpregnancysupport : Interrupted Pregnancy Support - Support for interrupted pregnancy due to defects.

Babycenter has a forum for medical terminations and I know there are mothers of anencephalic angels there that chose to induce early. That might be the place to find the support you need hun.

I'm was sorry to see that Mourning Mommies is no longer there, that was a good group
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  #6  
May 16th, 2009, 01:07 PM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you, hon. I know it'd be hard...I think I've stepped back in my grief I want him back. Why us? Why anencephaly? I'm lost again.

I am confused. I lost my son, and I CHOSE to end his life instead of letting him continue to suffer.

I already lost a son...aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!:co nfused:

Seriously, grief is confusing.
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  #7  
May 16th, 2009, 01:56 PM
Hart's Avatar Veteran
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I'm so sorry about your lack of support. You induced labor and he passed on his own. You did not cause him to die. You loved him enough to allow him to pass peacefully in some cases in the arms of the people who loved them. I would never fault you for making that choice. I think you did what was best for you, that's all that matters. *hugs*
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  #8  
May 16th, 2009, 03:54 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I know what you mean I had a second trimester termination, too. Everyone says 'you chose..' or I even say 'we decided to..' but really we knew it wasn't a "Choice". We had the option of letting him live his entire life trapped in his body (if he survived birth even) or to end it peacefully. I didn't want my son to suffer. I knew his quality of life would be non-existent. It was the hardest day of my life - and I still feel guilty at times, but I just have to remind myself that there was really no choice... & he's better off, in heaven, then suffering here.

Great Big to you!
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  #9  
May 16th, 2009, 05:21 PM
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**lurking**

I had a terrible time when I had to induce labor in the second trimester. I was carrying NON VIABLE conjoined twins...there was a 0% chance of survival outside of the womb, yet people still told me that I made a choice to abort my babies....people are cruel. I wish you the "best" given your situation and I am so sorry that you are having to suffer through this. No matter what anyone says, know that your baby is at peace, and he is whole in Heaven.

I find comfort in knowing that I set my babies free. They were trapped sharing the same body and the same vital organs, they didn't even have their own identifiable faces. I can smile now knowing that my boys are TWO separate little people in Heaven

You are still in my prayers
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  #10  
May 16th, 2009, 05:46 PM
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Heather I joined a Trisomy18 board after my loss in 2003, and some of them women were so mean to the women who choose peaceful passing over full term births. It's sad that women can't support each other without thinking peaceful passing is killing your child. You choose to let your son have a peaceful non painful death rather than let him suffer, you are an amazing mother for doing that.
(((HUGS)))
All of you ladies have touch my heart.
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  #11  
May 16th, 2009, 05:57 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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In grief there are many steps backwards.

I don't think you chose to end his life.... you chose the *timing* of it. But that choice was already made, KWIM?
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  #12  
May 16th, 2009, 07:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarmagic View Post
I don't think you chose to end his life.... you chose the *timing* of it. But that choice was already made, KWIM?
Thank you, Nat. I've had so much overwhelming amounts of guilt in having had to make that decision for Katrina, and hearing you word it like that is very comforting.
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  #13  
May 16th, 2009, 08:17 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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A Heartbreaking Choice - Message Board - Yuku

It's not anencephaly specific, but there are a lot of anencephaly mothers on there - seriously there are many, many women there. Lots of Trisomy 18 too. That site has been very helpful, even though Ethan's defects don't fall neatly into a particular diagnostic category.

You did the RIGHT THING for Jonah and your family. I did right by Ethan. It was hard to hear people call me a monster, and they were all radically pro-choice. But they weren't there when the ultrasound tech found Ethan's problems, and any critics you may face were there when Jonah (and Katrina) were diagnosed either. So they will never understand. But other parents, those that have had to make the heartbreaking choice we made, do understand. I hope you can find support at the sites posted in this thread. You are not alone!
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  #14  
May 16th, 2009, 11:34 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I have nothing but compassion for you wonderful ladies who had such a heartbreaking choice laid at your feet. I agree wholeheartedly with Nat, you just chose the timing of it.

A couple days ago I tried to put myself in that position. I tried to think of what I would decide and I broke down into tears just thinking about it. I have no idea what I would decide, and my heart hurts for you ladies who had to.

I'm glad you found us. I'M glad I found us.


Stephanie: I had no idea that you were in that position with Katrina. If you don't mind, may I ask what what went wrong?
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Last edited by Brittanie; May 16th, 2009 at 11:36 PM.
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  #15  
May 16th, 2009, 11:44 PM
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Brittanie: I definitely don't mind sharing my story, but it's kind of long for me to type out here, so I'll give you the link to the thread I made in the private forum "Ready to tell my story" back in mid March.

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f8...-my-story.html - this link should work.
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  #16  
May 17th, 2009, 06:11 AM
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I am sorry you aren't getting the support from the other sites. I hope some of the site the other ladies listed are helpful. You did the right thing Heather, for you and your family and I am sorry people can't realize that.
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  #17  
May 17th, 2009, 07:44 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Angel Katrina View Post
Brittanie: I definitely don't mind sharing my story, but it's kind of long for me to type out here, so I'll give you the link to the thread I made in the private forum "Ready to tell my story" back in mid March.

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f8...-my-story.html - this link should work.
Wow, I can't believe I missed that.


to all you ladies who had to make this decision. I'm so sorry.
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  #18  
May 17th, 2009, 09:38 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's not one I thought I'd EVER have to make. At All. And not one that I can believe that any parent SHOULD have to make.

btw, could Patrick be any cuter, Brittanie?!?!!!
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  #19  
May 17th, 2009, 02:02 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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I think all that really matters is that you did what was best for your children. People need to look at the whole picture, not just part of it. I know that if I had to make a choice like that I would do the same. I would do what is best for our son. I am thankful i didn't have to make a choice like that.
You are both very strong women.
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  #20  
May 23rd, 2009, 04:03 AM
xRainbowUKx's Avatar Regular
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How can people judge you when you already had to make the hardest desicion of your life. You did what you knew was best for you baby & I respext you for that. It would have been wrong to allow your baby to suffer so ignore these kind of people who put you down xxxxxxxx
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