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What to do with this feeling?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
May 27th, 2009, 07:26 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Maitland, Florida
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When you have a child, and are preparing for a second, you always have doubts...crying fits,really...how am I going to love my second as much as my first? Etc.

I'm having feelings like that about Marshall and Jonah. I love my sons so dearly. I feel guilty mourning Jonah so much right now. i feel horrible that I don't have as many pictures of Marshall, that I didn't know to get get Marshall's beanie, that I didn't get footprints...but I am in love with Jonah right now. I feel so conflicted, and don't want Marshall to feel his mommy doesn't love him.

Because God knows I do.
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  #2  
May 27th, 2009, 09:39 AM
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We all know that you love both Marshall and Jonah equally . . . there's no doubt about that!

You have to give yourself time to grieve Jonah, since his passing was very recent. Marshall will understand. You grieved a long time for him and still do and I know you miss him every single day. Just because you may be more focused on Jonah right now (b/c it's so recent) does not mean you don't miss Marshall all the same.

I'm just so sorry that you're even in this situation in the first place
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  #3  
May 27th, 2009, 10:43 AM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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When you had your first daughter, you loved her and babied her and held her and cuddled her. When you had your second you did the same. You took care of her, maybe you spent less time cuddling the older one, not because you loved her less, but because the new baby needed that attention at that moment.

THis is no different. You don't miss Jonah more, or love Jonah more, it is just his turn to get the attention because he is the new baby. And when the newness of this grief begins to become not so new, you will again mourn for both of your sons, and it will seem more 'equal' because the grief won't be so new.
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  #4  
May 27th, 2009, 02:21 PM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
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I have to agree with the above. They are both right. HUGS sweetie.
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  #5  
May 27th, 2009, 08:32 PM
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I like how Meghan put it.

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  #6  
May 28th, 2009, 01:27 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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ditto the other ladies hun
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  #7  
May 28th, 2009, 04:00 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Can't I have them both?

I feel guilty because I had more quality time with Jonah. I knew what to expect, what to do, and what demands to make. I can't say the same of my time with Marshall, and I feel horrible.

I think part of me is starting the cycle all over again. *sigh*

The tsunami starts again.
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  #8  
May 28th, 2009, 02:42 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have Marshall to thank for me knowing what to do. I still feel that every loss is devastating, but without Marshall I would not have known to get the camera, to take pictures, to hold Colm to get his foot prints. I know it is no way a consolation for you, but Marshall prepared me and in his own way helped me to grieve and to know it is okay to grieve.
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  #9  
May 28th, 2009, 08:04 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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With Alexander i never kept a pregnancy journal. and I never did hand and feet sculptures. I always wished i had.

SO with these twins i did keep a pregnancy journal. and i did hand and feet scultptures with lillian a couple weeks ago.

We learn from our regrets, and do the things we wish we had done the first time. It isn't loving one more than the other, but it is a chance to do what you weren't able to before. And there is nothing wrong with that.
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  #10  
May 29th, 2009, 04:07 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablepearl View Post
I have Marshall to thank for me knowing what to do. I still feel that every loss is devastating, but without Marshall I would not have known to get the camera, to take pictures, to hold Colm to get his foot prints. I know it is no way a consolation for you, but Marshall prepared me and in his own way helped me to grieve and to know it is okay to grieve.




Thank you. I needed to hear that today. I'm feeling really low
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