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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
August 14th, 2009, 02:08 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 829
I try to read through the posts, I lurk lately.

I want to be a shoulder to cry on, but I myself find that I too need a shoulder now.

I try to deny it, but as I crawl into bed each night, and I say my bedtime prayers, I still feel so empty, incomplete and alone.

How is this possible being so close to meeting my little baby? 34 weeks of carrying him close just makes me remember I will never see my precious Keegan in the same light I do him. A bond is a bond. He is my son, living or breathing doesn't make him so. I realize that holding this baby for the first time will seem like a blessing and a curse and I just really don't know how to deal wit that right now. I feel like I'm cheating both of my little boys. With Keegan I feel robbed of knowing Earthly aspects of parenting. I feel like I am a parent in the sense that I carried him, not that I got to be a mother.

With Kaden, I feel I will be robbing him of being my first child, living and breathing, because although he's full term and the circumstances are much more happy, I know my heart will ache horribly for my missing son.

I pray for physical scars now. I know them and I know what they are, and w/time you forget them. some even fade away.

How do you hold your baby and love him while your heart is still broken?

the days are closing in on me. My son could be here in as little as 21 days healthy, and I can't sort my feelings.
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  #2  
August 14th, 2009, 02:23 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
First of all, you should read this:
http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f4...or-for-us.html (A metaphor for us) Don't worry...you don't have to support anyone when you have nothing to give. Take care of yourself right now. We're here for you.

And secondly, it's hard. I worried that I wouldn't love Erin as much as I missed Cora. But the human heart is an amazing thing. It can go on beating and loving, and yes even finding joy, while shattered.

I surprise myself when they handed me Erin. Looking at her was more wonderful and more painful than I expected. She was healthy, and mine and alive and I was overjoyed. But at the same time, she showed to me what I really missed with Cora. When I lost Cora....I had no clue what I was missing out on. So bringing Erin home.....

How will you get through it? One moment at a time as always. And you will stare at Kayden and just love him and then you will close your eyes and see Keegan and cry. And both are okay.
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  #3  
August 14th, 2009, 05:07 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,304
Brittanie said it wonderfully. It was hard having Owen after losing Jake and at times I called Owen Jake. You do it by allowing yourself to have moments of happiness and sadness.
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Owen, Avery, Samantha and forever missing Jake born still 08/01/99.




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  #4  
August 15th, 2009, 01:04 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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when they passed me keeley i cried so hard i clung onto her, i cried so hard for jessica big heart wrenching sobs i missed her so much.
but then when the shock was over i smiled cause i swear jessica sent her stupid i know but i love keeley for jessica too cause if it wernt for her keeley wouldnt be either.

and 21 days wow so close hun
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  #5  
August 15th, 2009, 11:48 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
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I am sorry that I don't have any advice as I am in the same boat.
You are in my thoughts.
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Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
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