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Declan's Birth Story (loss mentioned)


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
August 25th, 2009, 11:26 AM
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First, I want to thank all of you for your kind thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that you were all thinking of Declan on the day of his birth.
As most of you probably know, I had noticed a decrease in movements and went to the ER on Thursday but was sent home after my OB found his heartbeat and found no sign of distress. I went back up to the ER Saturday morning after not being able to find the heartbeat on my doppler. I knew he was gone before I ever left my house, so it was no surprise when the confirmed his passing by ultrasound. They sent us home that night and gave me a prescription of misoprostal to ready my cervix.
I went to Walmart and had my prescription filled by two complete clueless wonders. They spent half an hour dithering about because the script said it was to be taken vaginally and that isn't how it is typically used. They were going to fill the Ativan (a strictly controlled, habit-forming drug) but not the one I actually needed to start the induction process. Eventually (after calling the prescribing doctor) they filled my prescription and I was able to leave.
I woke up at 6:30 am to shower and ready myself for the day. I was already having regular contractions (every 4 minutes) although they weren't painful. When I got the the hospital my OB came in to start the process. He told me how saddened he was and how confused he was since the heartbeat was fine on Thursday. I thought about asking him why we did not do an ultrasound on Thursday, but I was too numb and didn't honestly see the point. I have my own guilt about not forcing the issue, so I felt like I couldn't blame him without blaming myself, if that makes sense.
He inserted two cytotec pills and my contractions became painful. By noon, they were still four minutes apart but increasingly painful. By 6:00 pm I could not talk through them and they were wrapping around to my back. I had constant back pain and they were coming every 2 minutes. I finally accepted a half dose of demerol around 7:00 pm. I didn't want any drugs since I did not to be out of it like I was with Eva. I wanted to try to tough it out without an epidural. At 9:00 pm I was in an extreme amount of pain. The contractions were coming one on top of another (less than a minute between them) and nothing helped with the pain. If I stood or sat I felt faint and nauseous, but if I were to lay down the pain was incredible. The nurse checked me and said I was only 2 cm, so I broke down and asked for an epidural. By the time I was prepped and the anesthesiologist arrived it was 10:00 pm. I finally felt some relief by about 10:30 pm (thank goodness epidurals work fast), and DH and I tried to get some rest. By 11:30 pm I was uncomfortable again despite the epidural. The nurse checked me and said I was fully dilated and my waters were bulging. She broke my water and I started pushing. Pushing hurt so much, which is not what I remember from Eva's birth. Declan was born as 12:35 am on August 24th. He weighed 1lb 9oz and was 11 inches long. He looked perfect and there was no sign of a cord accident, so I am afraid I will still not know the cause. I am hoping the autopsy provides us with a cause of death.
The entire experience was very surreal. It was so familiar yet so different. We knew what to expect and were prepared for the birth (camera for our own pictures, to ask for hand and foot prints etc.), but I was thrown by how much more difficult the labour was compared to Eva. The hospital staff was wonderful, and they seemed so much more affected than they were with Eva. I think the fact that it had happened to us twice in little more than a year was difficult for them. It's strange because medical professionals need to maintain a certain distance (can you imagine doing that job if they didn't?), but it meant something to me that they were so affected by our loss. One of the nurses came to check on me during the early morning following Declan's birth, and she kissed my forehead before she left. Some of them cried and both of the OB's were at a loss for words. I think it means so much to me because it is important to know that my children meant something to world beyond me. They mean everything to me, but they will never have the chance to make their mark on the world. The fact that their existence made an impression on the people involved in their birth means a lot to me.
We are doing as well as we can. I am horrified to find myself repeating the same process and steps just a little over a year after going through it with Eva. Meeting with the funeral director, picking out an urn, signing all the necessary forms... I am far too experienced at this, I think. DH described it as two separate losses but one never ending nightmare.

ETA: Regarding the hospital staff, my experience with Eva was much colder than the one with Declan. I don't know if this was just poor luck on my part or what it was. Either way, I think the hospital staff should behave the way they did with Declan during all stillbirths. It leaves me with more sadness for Eva, though, if that makes sense?
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Last edited by ~Laurie~; August 25th, 2009 at 12:00 PM.
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  #2  
August 25th, 2009, 11:34 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Thank you for sharing Declan's birth story with us. I'm so sorry your labor was tough, and I'm infinitely more sorry that you had to go through this at all.
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  #3  
August 25th, 2009, 11:58 AM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've been thinking of you and your family constantly for the last few days. I'm not sure what it was for me, but Clark's delivery was much more rough and painful than my other 2 births were. I've been told that emotions can cause the physical pain as well.

I know you know that there are no words any of us can express that will help but my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this process.

How is Conner doing with it?
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  #4  
August 25th, 2009, 12:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AliciaF View Post
I've been thinking of you and your family constantly for the last few days. I'm not sure what it was for me, but Clark's delivery was much more rough and painful than my other 2 births were. I've been told that emotions can cause the physical pain as well.

I know you know that there are no words any of us can express that will help but my heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you go through this process.

How is Conner doing with it?
I haven't really gotten into detail with it. He didn't understand fully what "mommy has a baby in her tummy" really meant. He knew it was a Declan or a Chloe, but I don't think he really understood that it was a person. I think he more understands that there is something wrong with his parents. When I could not find Declan's heartbeat on the doppler, I lost it a little bit. I just sobbed and wailed for a half an hour. He came into the room and hugged me and asked why I was crying. I said I was scared. He asked me if I was scared of monsters. I honestly didn't know how to respond. I told him I was scared of losing something I loved. I didn't want to say 'someone' because I didn't want to foster that anxiety in him, but I didn't want to tell him I was scared of monsters, either. I don't really know how to handle it with him, yet. I am just picking my way through and hoping I am doing the right things.
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  #5  
August 25th, 2009, 12:18 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry for your loss, mama. My heart just aches for you and your family. I was left speechless and heartbroken when I saw your update.

I've been thinking about you a lot these past few days. I'm glad the hospital staff were warm and kind to you. I loved my nurses. Didn't have a great experience with the physician on call when I arrived to be induced, but my nurses were fabulous.

Were you able to contact someone from NILMDTS? I knew the organization existed before losing Duncan, but it didn't even cross my mind. I wish I had. I'm a photographer, but I had no desire or will to do anything but just lay there in numbness. Not taking a lot of pictures is one of the main things I regret about the experience.

Many, many hugs to you. My thoughts are with you all.
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  #6  
August 25th, 2009, 12:36 PM
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oh Laurie There are no words to express how very sorry I am for what you are going through. I am glad you were able to share Declan's story, I'm sitting here in tears for you. Please know we have all been thinking of you these past few days and you are in our thoughts and prayers.

many
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  #7  
August 25th, 2009, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuxAeterna View Post
Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry for your loss, mama. My heart just aches for you and your family. I was left speechless and heartbroken when I saw your update.

I've been thinking about you a lot these past few days. I'm glad the hospital staff were warm and kind to you. I loved my nurses. Didn't have a great experience with the physician on call when I arrived to be induced, but my nurses were fabulous.

Were you able to contact someone from NILMDTS? I knew the organization existed before losing Duncan, but it didn't even cross my mind. I wish I had. I'm a photographer, but I had no desire or will to do anything but just lay there in numbness. Not taking a lot of pictures is one of the main things I regret about the experience.

Many, many hugs to you. My thoughts are with you all.
I never thought of NILMDTS, either. I remembered to take our own camera so that we could take our own pictures since the ones they took last time were very clinical, which only made me sadder. This time they took lovely pictures. It was the same hospital, but such different treatment. I find it really surprising, actually. I'm tempted to say something about the difference in treatment, but since nobody really did anything wrong with Eva (they just didn't do anything right) I don't want to get them in trouble. It really can't be an easy thing to have to do, and I was probably a better patient this time than I was last time (I think I only let 2 or 3 curse words slip as opposed to 20 or 30) so maybe that helped. That it's not an excuse to not feel enough compassion, but I was probably as approachable as an angry porcupine when I was there for Eva.
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  #8  
August 25th, 2009, 02:07 PM
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you have been on my mind constantly since I saw your post about what had happened.

I am so incredibly sorry for this pain you are forced to endure. I would like nothing more than for both of your babies to be in your arms. I am so very very sorry.

You will remain in my thoughts....
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  #9  
August 25th, 2009, 04:11 PM
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Oh Laurie, I've been in pretty much a constant prayer for you. I'm glad that your experience this time was much more compassionate, even if the labor was harder.


I'm sorry that you're repeating it all. One never-ending nightmare sounds about right.

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  #10  
August 25th, 2009, 05:54 PM
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thank you for sharing your birth story with us.
again i am so sorry for your loss.
you are in my thoughts and prayers
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  #11  
August 25th, 2009, 06:41 PM
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Laurie, as it has been said, there are no words. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Believe me when I tell you I am crying. It hurts so much that you have to go through this again. You are sincerely in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for sharing your story.
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  #12  
August 25th, 2009, 07:56 PM
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Laurie, thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm glad the nurses were so good to you, but I'm sorry the labor was hard.

I am so sorry you are in this place again, walking these steps again, making these decisions again. It breaks my heart.
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  #13  
August 25th, 2009, 08:30 PM
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You and your family have been in my thoughts an prayers a lot the past few days. Thank you for sharing Declan's story. I am glad the experience was more pleasant this time around. I am so deeply sorry for you loss.
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  #14  
August 25th, 2009, 09:52 PM
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Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that you have to go through this again. I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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  #15  
August 26th, 2009, 12:03 AM
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laurie im so so sorry hun, my heart just broke reading your story, thank you so much for sharing declans story with us
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  #16  
August 26th, 2009, 09:09 AM
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I just got to read your story today but you have been on my mind ever since Saturday. No one should have to go through this nightmare...especially twice.

The labor was very hard for me too and I was also around 25 weeks. I have read alot of stories of stillbirths where the women say the contractions were so long and there was only a short break, if any, in between them. And I have read that about premature and fullterm stillbirths. My contractions were 3 minutes long from start to finish then 45 seconds of a break and then another 3-minute contraction would start again and I had very slow progress until the last 2.5 hours. It just adds to the already painful experience. I can't believe you had to go through with this again.

I'm glad they treated you so well this time but I undrstand about how you feel for Eva. I would feel exactly the same way. Almost as if losing one baby this way wasn't enough to be treated well, but losing two like this makes you qualify. But...I guess we have to deal with the people at the hospital, no matter what they are like. I'm just so sorry. I'm glad you were able to squeeze all the memories you could out of this birth experience this time.
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  #17  
August 26th, 2009, 01:33 PM
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Thanks for reading and posting, everyone. To be honest, I am not in a good place right at the moment, but everyone here makes me feel like that is OK. In many ways, I am in a much worse place then when we lost Eva. We are dealing with the grief better than last time (I think because we already know how to cope), but the anger and bitterness are worse than before. I don't really even know what to do with myself. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, and I think I might vent my spleen a little. I should be getting my referral to a genetic counselor, as well. I hope that having a goal and forward movement will help with my anger a bit. Again, thanks so much everyone. I honestly do not know what I would do without you girls. I am so touched by the level of support from women from all over JM. Considering we have only received one sympathy card, it means a lot that Declan matters to so many people here. This is an amazing group of people.
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  #18  
August 26th, 2009, 02:02 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sad to read this, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Our hospital was wonderful when I lost Colm. I think f you want the hospital to continue to treat all women/families with the decency they deserve during the loss of their baby then writing to the director or the person in charge of the department and telling them how you felt this treatment was this time and applauding the servie would be beneficial. You won't get the others in trouble, but they people who treated you well will be comended. By them knowing that they did the right things it will help them to keep doing things right. Outline specifically what was good so others that work there will know what to keep doing.
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  #19  
August 27th, 2009, 07:21 AM
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Thank you for sharing Declan's story with us. I am glad they were compassionate this time. Say things to the doctor, i regret not doing that and let my own guilt keep me quiet.
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  #20  
August 27th, 2009, 09:35 AM
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Laurie i just wanted to let you know i'm still thinking of you and your family....thank you for posting Declan's birth story. I wept for hours when i saw your update over the weekend and i know "i'm sorry" doesn't take any of your pain away but I am so tremendously sorry that you have had to go through this again. I am grateful that the hospital staff was compassionate and kind to you - you deserve no less. You and your family are in my prayers. HUGS
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