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I'm TTC. I have fertility problems, so we are using injectible fertility drugs and IUI this cycle. And these hormones are not helping my grief.
I've done remarkably well with my grief. Don't take my word for it - my therapist and psychiatrist say so. But I've hit a stumbling block the last few days. The meds are making me hormonal, so I am REALLY missing Ethan. I shouldn't be TTC at all! I should be caring for a 2 month old! But my arms are empty. Ethan is gone. And it is so hard.
As if that weren't enough, my SIL is pregnant. When is she due? THIS WEEK! I have been so happy for her and so excited for my new niece, but it's a little sad too. We were pregnant together for a little while (though she didn't announce it until after Ethan was born). Her baby would have had a cousin just a few months older. My niece, her daughter, asked me today if I had a "little sister" in my tummy too. "Maybe soon" I told her. But I miss my little guy, I just miss him so much.
I'd like to think that it will get easier when I finally get pregnant. But I know better than that.
I don't think we have to be hormonal to hit a stumbling block, but they can make it worse sometimes. My oldest sister refused to tell her sons (10 and 8) that Roald was dead after he died and so for months afterward (especially the first two motnhs) they kept touching my stomache, asking me if I had the baby yet, etc. It drove me nuts and I got really resentful toward my sister.
If one of my sisters were having a baby after I lost him and I wasn't yet I would be upset, I won't lie. I love my nice and nephews and would love more, but the timing like that would hurt alot. And those feelings after the EDD of how if nothing had gone wrong they should really be here...Those thoughts make me so sad.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I have felt (and still feel) everything you are. As for doing well with your grief, I think you still are. Grief is a roller-coaster. Sometimes you are dealing well and moving forward, and sometimes you are back at square one and are angry and unbelievably sad.
I hope you get your bfp soon. You deserve it.
From experience - it DID feel a lot more manageable when I was pregnant again. It didn't feel quite so overwhelming... it wasn't this double whammy of grief and frustration, there was some happiness to hold onto. Struggling the way you are now... it's only normal to feel it double as much. Emotions spill over into each other, and the grief from TTC really does add to the grief of loss.