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I can't be the only one feeling terrified ...


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
August 28th, 2009, 08:12 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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The announcement of losses that's come here just in the past week or so is making me really sad, and each time I login to this forum I am a little nervous that someone else is going to make the announcement that another Angel has sprouted his / her wings.

I am selfishly terrified of this happening to me. Absolutely scared $#itless that whenever there is a moment that I'm not feeling Pipsqueak kicking me or moving about that it means the worst. Everyone keeps telling me to have a positive attitude about this pregnancy. I did that LAST pregnancy; look where it ended up. I am cautiously having a positive attitude about this pregnancy, but am scared to get attached. I'm scared to love this baby until she comes out kicking and screaming. I am afraid that if I sit or lie down the "wrong way", something bad will happen. I am scared when I go to sleep at night that I will wake up to no movements from her.

It's gotten to the point where I'm beginning to envision my doctor's appointments ahead of time, mentally preparing myself for the worst news once again. I need this to stop, but I can't make it stop. I'm the mom of an Angel already. These terrifying thoughts are with me for the rest of my life.

Are there other Angel moms out there, pregnant at the moment, who are THIS terrified or is this really only me who is so scared? It's like I need constant reassurance that everything really and truly will turn out just fine . I had a hard time finding the strength to go through one stillbirth; I can't imagine summing up the strength to go through another and wonder how strong you moms are that have been through more than one (God bless you for that kind of strength).

Thanks for listening. I wish it were so easy to put my mind at ease sometimes but it's hard to stop these thoughts when they're moving at lightning speed.
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  #2  
August 28th, 2009, 08:41 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I'm not pregnant yet, but I have similar feelings. I am particularly terrified of miscarriage, because they are so common and my mom had two of them in front of me. I'm already rehearsing what we'll tell our families. I know that it's only get worse when I get my BFP. Ethan's proximal cause of death was no fluid. I am already freaking out about fluid levels for a baby I'm not even pregnant with yet. And Ethan had no fluid becuase his kidneys were damaged from my diabetes, so I am already terrified about that. A high blood sugar reduces me to tears. And I find myself getting angry at pregnant women who are so blissfully naive. Women whose biggest concern is having the "perfect" delivery, when our concern is just delivering a living baby.

We've lost our innocence.
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  #3  
August 28th, 2009, 09:31 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I'm very much terrified. To the point that I've contemplated what I would do this time and how I'd want to proceed with the induction and how DH isn't here and wouldn't make it back until after I had him. So no hi and goodbye for him. I've been paranoid since the beginning of my pregnancy. I don't voice my worries to those that haven't experienced such a loss. They just don't understand. They have the "It won't happen to me" thinking. If only they knew stillbirth affects 1/160 pregnant women. Those are alarming statistics.

While I know it is not likely for us to experience the same circumstances of losing Duncan, I'm still worried about other issues or problems. I worry about the cases where no cause is found, assuming the death was thoroughly investigated. I have been worried about stillbirth ever since my first pregnancy 5+ years ago. There were at least two women that experienced a late term loss in each of my due date groups. It was always in the back of my mind. I used my doppler a lot to reassure myself all was okay. I did the same with my others, though I wasn't as paranoid.

Of course this time I'm that much more aware and more in tune with what's going on. I use my doppler every other day now. I'll know when something is off since I know what his awake and sleep patterns are like. And really, the only thing I can do is try not to stress out and remain optimistic. Each day I feel movement and I get a heart beat is closer to the day I get to have him alive in my arms.
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  #4  
August 28th, 2009, 10:32 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yep. I'm in this boat too. Especially since they told us she isn't measuring right. It's been almost 5 weeks since the last ultrasound and we have both stopped talking about it, just acting like they never said anything at all. We have another ultrasound Monday and I don't want to go. I don't want to hear them say anything is wrong again.

I have had a hard time getting attached this pregnancy too. I try to enjoy the pregnancy, the nursery decorating, etc...But I don't catch myself talking to her like I did when I was carrying Roald (I even used to call him Roaldie)...I used to read the same book to him almost every day because I read if a short book is read redundantly in utero to a baby they suck harder when nursing when told the same story. I read him The Ugly Duckling because I loved the duck theme with him...But I just don't talk to her or read to her. I was just recently thinking how I need to start doing that "just in case something happens I will not have that immense guilt of being reluctant to bond with her while she was here". Ugh!!!

I don't voice my fears anywhere but here either. I don't even really tell Bill but he knows. He is in completeldenial. When they told us she wasn't measuring right and her head was small at the level 2 he was very upset and said "I don't know about you, but I can't go through that again". So I let him act and talk like everything will be fine becaus ethat is his way of coping. I see the OBs every 2 weeks now and have more frequent U/Ss scheduled but before every appointment I get so gassy and sick I vomit.

The only thing that helps is feeling movement. That is the only thing that tells me at least today everything is all right.
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  #5  
August 28th, 2009, 01:12 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I felt the same way when pregnant with Erin. And with Patrick too, though not as much (until the end). I think you're normal for a stillbirth mommy. ESPECIALLY when we can't talk ourselves into believing that since it happened once it won't happen again.

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  #6  
August 28th, 2009, 03:37 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i was like that with keeley i even prepared my self to hear the words again it was torture!!! pure and simple. i know what ever anyone says about not thinking the worst and be positive wont help hun so i wont say them as when people said them to me i wanted to shout so loud that it does happen and it did i should know!!!! but i will say stay strong hun!!! its normal for us, and i wish for so much that it wasn't i just wish non of us were ''here'' i am thankful for one thing out of jessica's loss and that is that i ''met'' some of the most wonderful women i could meet in you ladies on here.
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  #7  
August 28th, 2009, 04:37 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I wake up every single morning wondering if she died overnight
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  #8  
August 28th, 2009, 04:50 PM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
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I am feeling the EXACT same way...your post is just about the same thing I have been thinking about posting...I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and drinking some ice water or OJ just to feel her move.

It won't get any easier until I am holding Tessa in my arms while she is screaming her little lungs away!
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  #9  
August 28th, 2009, 06:18 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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i am not pregnant yet, but i am sure that i would feel the same way.
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  #10  
August 28th, 2009, 09:14 PM
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Same thing here. I can't make myself be positive and I can't believe that Madylyn will get here alive. I try really hard to imagine her getting here safely, but I imagined that with Robert too. I also can't even make myself put anything related to babies in the rest of the house. I want to move her swing out of the room into the living room, but I worry that that will jinx it. My family is not throwing a baby shower. They want to throw a welcome party when she is here. So I feel like no one wants to look forward to this baby girl. No one wants to think she is going to make it. It sucks. I think all of us who have had a stillborn feel similar things. It sucks. I just take it day by day and try to enjoy every milestone I hit. The fear certainly is hard though, especially with every person I hear who doesn't end up with a live little one. But at the end of the day, I can only do so much to keep Madylyn alive. I am doing all I can, I have to leave the rest to someone else. I hate not having the control, but I try to be okay.
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  #11  
August 29th, 2009, 09:30 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Jessica I just wanted to add extra hugs to you. That would hurt me so badly if no one would throw a baby shower for us. I know another girl whose family didn't throw her a baby shower her subsequent pregnancy. I think that's just so mean. I wish sometimes people would just stop and thoroughly think things like that through. "Well I'm sure she is scared ****less as it is....so let's feed her fears by pretending this pregnancy has a 50/50 chance"...ugh!
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  #12  
August 29th, 2009, 05:43 PM
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It just makes me sad. I don't wand the stuff part of the shower as much as I want the celebration part of the shower. I also am not too keen on the welcome part because given that I'll have waited 2 years for a live baby by the time Madylyn gets here, I don't really want to share her. Maybe that'll change, but for now, I just want her with me and my hubby!
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  #13  
August 29th, 2009, 07:15 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am not even pregnant yet and I am terrified.
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  #14  
August 29th, 2009, 11:12 PM
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That's how I felt with my pregnancies, especially Owen. I tried not to bond with him and would panick before doctor visits or an u/s or any visit. I would te myself, this is the visit were they tell there is no heartbeat. I am sure people thought wasn't happy being pregnant but I never smiled or joked around like all the other expectantmoms while we were waiting to see our obs because I was so anxious.
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  #15  
August 30th, 2009, 07:13 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Moms, you have no idea how it puts my mind at ease to know that I am not weird for feeling this way. Yes, I hate that we are all feeling this way, but I feel reassured that I'm not the only one.

Yesterday, a few times, I just laid down and started crying (yes, I am a basket case for worrying this way about Pipsqueak but Nate, thank heavens, is very understanding and just keeps reassuring me that everything is --- and will be --- fine). I am at the point where I am practically begging her to move just so I know she's still alive.

I hate feeling this way, and I've got 16 more weeks to go. This is not going to be easy for me. I wish all you moms peace in your pregnancies; we all know how difficult this is and I wish it didn't have to be
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Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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  #16  
August 30th, 2009, 08:56 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Barb, I would do the same thing with my babies. Just beg them to move. I would lay in bed in the morning, holding my breath until I felt a kick.

Jessica: I'm sorry that nobody wants to throw you a baby shower. I had a welcome party with Erin, but it was at my suggestion. I had a baby shower 3 days before I lost Cora, and had to return a lot of things, and I just didn't want to chance doing it again. But it was my suggestion. I hated that feeling that some members of my family gave off when I was pregnant with Erin, like they were just waiting for her to die and for it to happen all over again. I actually got angry with my MIL at one point and told her I needed her to be positive for me. My mother always was, but since she's an angel mom herself, she understood. I wish you had someone who was a good support IRL.
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