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What keeps you going?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 3rd, 2009, 07:47 AM
noworries
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It's been 5 days since Eli's birth/death and I just don't know how to keep going sometimes. I have my daughter to take care of still so I'm sure that is what keeps me going most of the time. I'm afraid I'm not being a very good mommy to her right now though because sometimes I feel like I can't even move.

So, what keeps you going when you're not sure you can go on.
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  #2  
September 3rd, 2009, 08:03 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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For me, I think I keep going because I have no alternative. I am so glad that I have Connor for all the reasons you would think, but also because I think I would never get out of bed if it weren't for him. I have to plan and have goals to work towards or I just drift, so I have set a whole new set of goals. I just keep telling myself to take it day by day, hour by hour if necessary.
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  #3  
September 3rd, 2009, 08:19 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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in the early days it was just taking day by day i was obsessed with searching stillbirth, googling and reading everything. and the kids if it wern't for them well i guess i dont know. then it was having another baby i just wanted a baby then i had a m/c at 11 weeks then it all started again but now i have keeley and im happy ( not fully happy but happy as i can be iukwim?)
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  #4  
September 3rd, 2009, 08:44 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Since Noah is a twin brother to Julia, I had no choice but to keep going for my surviving twin.

Noah was born sleeping at 32 weeks, and that forced Julia to be born via C-section at 32 weeks as well. She spent 4 weeks in the NICU during which time they thought she developed NEC. Twice they took her off of feedings, twice they pumped her body full of antibiotics, and I my heart skipped beats every time the f'ing NICU called our house. It got to the point that I just wanted to stay in the NICU until she was released, but the doctor's and nurses told us to relax, go home, eat, sleep, and know that Julia was in the absolute best possible care.

Not only were we mourning the stillbirth of Noah, but we were also praying for the survival of Julia and experiencing the up-and-down emotions of the NICU. I can honestly say that I have never cried more than I have during that time. But I was also determined to put on a brave face and happy voice for every minute I spent with my baby in NICU. I strongly believe that DH's and my emotions were key in helping her build up strength and get out of there in only 4 weeks.

There are times I wish I could just erase all of that heartache and confusion from my memory, but then I'd also be erasing from my memory all the beautiful little milestones that Julia hit while in NICU --- when she was taken off of all feeding tubes, when she finally took the bottle, when she was finally released from the hospital ...

I had to take it minute by minute. For a very, very long time. When I could finally master taking it minute by minute, I took it hour by hour. That, too, lasted a very long time. Then I moved onto day by day. And the first year was the hardest for me. Christmas was positively awful. The first birthday / angelversary was equally awful. But for as much as I cried for Noah, I gave Julia twice as many kisses and twice as many hugs. I may not be able to physically hold Noah in my arms, but I can hold his sister in my arms and I made a promise to myself to love her more than I thought I possibly could.

Finally, I got Noah's footprints tattooed on my upper left arm 5 months after his stillbirth. He is with me every single day that way. And not one day goes by that I don't think of him. This helped me tremendously in the healing process of losing him.

I still get sad sometimes, especially when I see the milestones that Julia is now reaching; Noah should be beside her reaching those same milestones. But he's not. However, I like to think that he's watching over her and helping achieve all those milestones. I often times think that in Noah's death, his weakness became Julia's strength. I have no doubt that continues to be true

And that's what keeps me going.
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I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





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  #5  
September 3rd, 2009, 10:34 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I think the desire to give Ethan a living sibling keeps me going. I was diagnosed with diabetes when we lost Ethan (that's actually why we lost him), so it would have been easy to just ignore it and hide from it. But I knew that I wanted a living child, so I got my s*** together and got my diabetes control. I function because I want a rainbow baby.
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  #6  
September 3rd, 2009, 11:42 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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For me personally I know God helped me alot. Especially those first few months...I spent every waking (and some sleeping) moments grieving. I was also obsessed with stillbirth but no matter what I read it didn't change what happened so I still just grieved as deeply. My husband returned to work 3 days after birth and I do not work outside the home and Roald was our firstborn so I was left alone nearly every day for 8-12 hours at a time and let me tellyou I cried so many tears and smoked so many cigarettes. Plus we had him right before Thanksgiving and Christmas so those holidays were terrible. My best friend came over for Thanksgiving the day before the holiday (the actual holiday we go to my parents) and I didn't even feel like cooking. I kept telling her to go outside with me for a cigarette.

It didn't start feeling like less of a load until after his EDD. The subsequent pregnancy for me has been terrible emotionally...and it makes me feel more distanced from Roald. Plus when a stillbirth happens other people mourn it at first if you're lucky....but beyond that initial period they move on almost completely, if not completely because they don't really have to readjust their lives to living with something that was really a part of it. For them the unborn baby was just something they were expecting and something they asked about sometimes.
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  #7  
September 3rd, 2009, 02:38 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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Having two young ones kept me distracted. I didn't really have difficulty moving forward. I just had to face my new reality. The first couple weeks were hard. Dealing with my milk coming in and the holidays. Some days I just wanted to stay home because I wanted to avoid running into babies and newborns. I didn't want to be reminded of what I didn't have, but having my girls forced me to get out of bed every morning and face my new reality.

I also new while I was in the hospital being induced that I wanted to start TTC ASAP. I was obsessed about it. Couldn't wait for my menses to return and begin charting again. That gave me something to focus on. It wasn't going to bring Duncan back and wasn't going to replace him, but I really did need and yearn for my arms to be full. I wanted the happy ending. We found out three months after we lost him that my husband was deploying in the spring so that put a wrench in our TTC plans. I wanted to get pregnant before he left and was something I focused on a lot. I got my BFP a week before he left.

I felt being pregnant and due at the same time I was pregnant and due with Duncan would be therapeutic yet bittersweet. I wanted to have a baby when we were supposed to have Duncan. Being pregnant has given me something to look forward to and helps the time pass by.
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  #8  
September 3rd, 2009, 02:59 PM
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My answer would be almost identical to Barbs, since I had my surviving twin to care for after losing Logan. It was both good and bad. the good was that it forced me to get up every day. And really? The bad was that it forced me to get up every day too. I wish I had a little time. Time to sleep and grieve alone, time to think, time to just breathe. But I had none of that. So it pushed me forward, but once Ella was a little older, it threw me into the pits of sadness again. Not that I ever really left, but I kind of forced myself to suspend ABOVE the sadness for a while I guess for the most part, just dipping down when I couldn't take it anymore. Then at one point I fell deeply INTO that sadness. sometimes I think I'm almost out, sometimes I slip further down. I th ink I'll always be hovering over that. I think many of us will be. We all handle and deal and grieve differently. Some people are able to just pick up and move on, and I am envious of that. Some people are not. We are all designed differently, and are inherently emotionally different. Not one is weaker or stronger than the other. Just different. I try to remember that. I try to remember that it is okay if I am driving down the road and I start to sob. That doesn't mean that I can't handle life. That just means that life has hurt me. But I am still here. I am still fighting, I am still living, still moving and parenting and working and just BEING. And I know that's enough. That's really enough, because sometimes, just BEING is all I can give. And that's okay.

I'm rambling. I'll shut up. I just want you to know that whatever you feel, however you all cope, it's OKAY. YOU'RE okay.

*hugs*
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Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure

Journey to Logan video http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4e54597...314d673d3d0d0a
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  #9  
September 3rd, 2009, 03:17 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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"Sometime being is all I can give"...
I've had that thought a zillion times but never quite put my finger on it....
You couldn't have put it more appropriately!!!!

I wanted to die when Avery died. Nothing less would have been acceptable.
Then my mom died the following month and I had to be responsible (I'm the oldest child and her only daughter)...so, for mom, I made it.
I started my job three months to the day after delivering Avery (and on my mom's birthday to boot) and am very blessed to still have that job!

I do remember that a continuous thought was "Just remember to breathe..."
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  #10  
September 4th, 2009, 07:00 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laurakatee View Post
But I am still here. I am still fighting, I am still living, still moving and parenting and working and just BEING. And I know that's enough. That's really enough, because sometimes, just BEING is all I can give. And that's okay.
Laura -- Friggin' awesome answer. I love it!
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Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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  #11  
September 4th, 2009, 07:18 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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You have gotten some wonderful answers. And Laura really did hit it on the head. I still have my occasional days when all I can do is just BE.

It's got to be hard when, like Laura said, you don't have time to just wallow and grieve because you have to get up and be mom. ((not that it's not hard when you don't have any living children, but you get what I mean))

I read a lot. Anything to take me out of the world I was in. I spent a lot of time sitting out in the sunshine, because it was warmth when I felt so cold.

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