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I guess I sometimes don't start threads here about how I'm feeling because even though I feel nothing but support here, I somehow get stuck in this mind rut, subconciously thinking that since I can't tell anyone in REAL life when I'm feeling down, I must not be able to tell ANYBODY.
But I was sitting here today and I thought "why can't I tell THEM?" (meaning the girls on this board). They DO understand. They're NOT going to think I should be over it. They're IN this world too. They live this and breathe this just like I do.
So here I am. I am sad. Yesterday was September 8th, the day my grandpa died last year. That day was the beginning of a long month of hell for me. I lost my Pappaw, and then Hurricane Ike hit our home and I was stranded for weeks away from home, away from my husband, with all kinds of crap going on (family dog being put to sleep, husbands grandmother going through heart surgery, my grandmother falling apart over losing my grandfather, not being able to go home because we had no power, having damage to our home). My remember my husband called me crying saying "what else can go wrong?". I returned home to be closer to my doctors in Houston since I was sooo pregnant. We had an a/c window unit cooling one room in our house powered by a generator because we had no power. When the power was finally restored and I had regular air and a stove and television again...I remember thinking "thank god that month is over, what else could happen?". Apparently, the answer to our questions was A LOT MORE could happen. A few days later they could not find Logans heartbeat. One moment I was happy and laughing, the next moment the world had been ripped right out from under me and I wanted to die. I had one baby on his way to the morgue and one baby being wheeled into my room for me to love. I didn't know how to handle either one.
I still feel like I want to die sometimes. I texted my mom yesterday to tell her I was thinking of her (one year since my grandpa died). She texted me back and said "thanks I needed that. I sure do miss him. I wish I could hold his hand again. Someday I will". I texted her back and said "yes, someday doesn't always feel like it will come fast enough though". And it's so true. I am torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to be here for her. I know the right choice and I will always MAKE the right choice. I love Ella and I would never, could never do that to her. But knowing that doesn't stop me from wanting him, from missing him. I want to touch him again, I want to know what color his eyes are, I want to hold him and smell him and feel him. I want to put him on the floor next to his twin sister and watch them play, watch them laugh and squeal, watch them fight. I want all the things he was supposed to have. And I can't have any of it. SHE can't have any of it. It's so not fair. I hate that phrase, because I've always been told "life isn't fair". And I know that. But I don't understand this. I'll never understand. I could live a thousand years and ask a thousand times "why?" and I'll never have the answer.
I am just sad. Period. I'm feeling sad and feeling empty, and feeling guilty about feeling empty. I have my daughter and I never ever EVER want her to feel like she wasn't "enough", that she couldn't make me happy herself. I think i harp on that because I was asked that once, shortly after losing Logan. "You don't want Ella to grow up feeling like she wasn't enough, like she was just the 'other one'." It was like being slapped across the face. Of COURSE I don't want that for her. She IS the other one, the survivor...but that doesn't mean I ever want her to feel like she is somehow less, or less wanted. I wouldn't trade her to have Logan back. I wouldn't trade Logan to have her. I want them BOTH here, where they belong, TOGETHER. I can't have that, I know. And I wouldn't have one trade places. In that respect, it is what it is. But I still think about it. It makes me afraid to cry in front of otheres, to show myself as being TOO sad in real life, because I don't want people thinking I am somehow allowing my sadness to take away from Ella.
I have tried SOO hard to not let my sadness interfere with her happiness.
I am sorry to ramble on and on. I guess I needed to get it out. I said the other day that sometimes just BEING was all I had to give. Right now, I'm finding it hard to even just do that.
thanks for listening...
b/g twins Logan and Ella
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure
Though different, I've been experiencing similar emotions in that I have a hard time because I'm so excited that I'm pregnant with Cameron. I wouldn't be having her if we'd had Clark. I wouldn't trade her for Clark and I wouldn't trade Clark for her.
First of all, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug for all the $#it that's hit the fan for you in such a short amount of time. It's true what they say about "when it rains, it pours" and it DOES make you wonder aloud "what ELSE could go wrong?"
And if anything, I can very, very much relate to how you are feeling since I too am the mother of a surviving twin. And I can speak to others truthfully to say it hurts. A lot. And that is a pain that we'll need to face every single day because our reminders are there to look at and care for every single day.
I've heard the plethora of STUPID and IGNORANT comments from people who thought they were being helpful in my coping with grief.
"It could've been much worse, you know ..."
"At least one of them survived ..."
"You should be happy to at least have her ..."
What? Seriously? Who is the deciding authority on what could've been worse? And they BOTH should've survived! Why does Octomom get to keep all of HERS, but I can't have both of mine?? Of COURSE I'm happy to have Julia, but her twin brother is supposed to be here, too! I had these and more thoughts screaming through my brain ... still do sometimes.
And I still ask myself why is it that I've never had the luxury to truly mourn my loss because I wanted so badly to be happy for what I've been blessed with?
This must be a highly emotional time for you too, Laura. Anniversary of the passing of your Grandpa, the hurricane hitting your home, and the approaching 1st birthday of Ella and Logan. And it's perfectly OK to be sad. And it's perfectly OK to take some time to spend with Logan wihtout feeling like you are taking away from Ella --- looking at his pictures, feeling sad, crying for the future that will be his sister's but not his. Believe me, I still do this and I've made it a point to look at Noah's picture each day, kiss it, and tell him how much his Mommy loves him even though he's not physically here.
I say it hurts because while some people have memories of their Angels, I have 1/2 of mine still alive and with me on this earth, watching her grow and develop, knowing that someday she will develop a concious realization of this brother of hers named Noah that I talk about, but that is not here with us. How do I explain that to her? How to I make sure that she is not sad? How do I make sure that she will not experience guilt over why she's here but her brother is not?
Be gentle with yourself, Hon. You have so much on your mind right now. Let the thoughts and emotions just flow and don't apologize for ANY of what you are feeling right now.
((BIG HUGS)) to you, friend.
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
I can't even imagine how painful it is to look at a daily reminder of what you lost. Yes, you do appreciate what you have, but that has to be twice as hard to look at Ella and be reminded of what Logan should be doing, or would be doing. I can only imagine what Robert would be doing now, but it not the same as that everyday reminder. My heart goes out to you. You should take time for yourself to grieve for everything you lost a year ago. As much as I am sure Ella is the most important person in your life, you need to take time for you, for the sake of both of you. You will be in my thoughts, and I wish you peace in this terribly tough time. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*
*A HUGE thank you to Maitri for my beautiful siggy!
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. You definitely came to the right place. While it's not the same, I have had people say "at least you have Connor". How stupid is that? I shouldn't mourn my dead children because I have one living? If your mother dies, do you just get over it because your father is still living? They are your children. They are not disposable or replaceable. I'm sorry about the rant, but this really cheeses me off.
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with the 'twin' dynamic. I just want to say that you love Ella and she knows that. She feels that. That's the most important thing for her, isn't it? Give yourself permission to grieve, and forget anyone that can't understand that. I am thinking of you.
Ugh, that mothers who have other children are expected by some people to just get over losing a baby really erks me. Each individual person is irreplacable. What is so hard to accept about that???
And with twins, there is mourning what will never be. Not only will the baby you lost never be...but those "twin baby" dreams will never be, either. Not to mention the grief time is simultaneous as a joyous time and plus all of the stresses of having a new baby to care for plus being broken hearted and having to try to take care of yourself.
Plus like Jessica, Barb, etc. said...you have a daily reminder of EXACTLY what Logan would be doing.
Thast sounds so horrible, how all of those things went wrong in so short of a timespan last year. ***HUGS***
This is the only place I really let loose with all emotions. If it's more private or touchy of an issue I post it in the private section. But I defnitely think you took a good step in posting your feelings here so that you can get the support you need and the validation for your feelings.
Hugs sweetie. You have every right to feel sad....let yourself feel how you need to feel. You can always come here to get things out when you feel like you can't go to anyone IRL. You are an amazing mama.