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Just so scared (pg ment)


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 10th, 2009, 12:21 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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Well, I'm pregnant. And I'm not really all that excited. Just really, really scared. I'm afraid of morning sickness - I had it so bad with Ethan I was hospitalized. I'm scared of miscarriage - my mom had several and I remember them vividly. I'm afraid of diabetes - that's why Ethan died. I'm scared I will hurt this baby with high blood sugar or hurt both of us with dangerously low blood sugar. I'm scared I am pregnant with multiples - there's a 30% chance I am - because the morning sickness is worse and the babies more at risk for a host of bad things.

And I'm angry. I shouldn't be robbed of the joy of finding out I'm pregnant. I shouldn't be pregnant at all, I should be caring for a newborn. I am never going to be naively joyful about pregnancy again. I definitely don't feel pregnant. I mean I feel hyperstimulated and nauseous and all that, but emotionally, cognitively, I don't feel pregnant.

And I'm sad. Ethan died seven months ago today. I miss my little guy. I worry that he's mad at me for being pregnant again. I feel guilty for this baby, he/she deserves for me to be excited about having him/her. I'm not unhappy, just kind of ambivalent.

Is this normal?
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  #2  
September 10th, 2009, 12:32 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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What if this is a gift from him for being such a great mom?

Of course you have all these feelings. Between history and hormones,
you can't win. But you will!

Now, get over to PAL and get support from the ladies that have been in your
shoes! (And save me a spot cause I'm going to be a mess, too!!!)

Congrats again darlin!
I'm really, really stoked for you!!!
Dawna
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  #3  
September 10th, 2009, 02:06 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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(((hugs)))

Well, you are ambivalent, but I am soooo excited for you...so there
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  #4  
September 10th, 2009, 02:23 PM
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I haven't been pregnant since my loss, but I would think your feelings are COMPLETELY normal. I imagine I would feel the exact same way. Strong fear mixed with strong guilty feelings about your lost little one.

But I imagine Ethan wants you to be a mommy to a living baby because he knows you are a wonderful and loving mommy to him.

Hang in there. We will all be here for you.

And congratulations, I am so very happy for you and I will be thinking of you.
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  #5  
September 10th, 2009, 03:05 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Holy crap, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Of course all of those emotions are totally normal for your situation. I felt (and still feel) giulty about being pregnant. Even though I know Roald has reached that spiritual plain far beyond anything I can imagine and is with the Lord and would never want me to feel guilty...I do. And of course this pregnancy is going to be scary. It is scary for me...sometimes terribly so...and I do not have any known "condition" like diabetes and if I did I'm sure I weould just be total wreck half the time.

And I feel cheated too. I feel cheated in the way I cannot be naive like you said...I can never be just solely happy about pregnancy, about another baby...but at the same time I think we appreciate it more. I am not saying that people who have never suffered a loss can help it, but that suffering a loss does wind up making someone appreciate whatever it is they have lost more. KWIM?

I was so scared about seeing twins at our first ultrasound this time I was vomiting my guts out before it. And morning sickness...I was not hospitalized, but after losing Roald I was told I probably should have been. It didn't start until 16 weeks with him but I puked EVERYTHING I ate and lost so many liquids my urine was dark and stinky. I also probably lost most of my prenatal vitamins. They told me my severe morning sickness probably caused his assymetrical growth restriction and added to the lean cord problem. So...I was very scraed of it oo but this pregnancy it has not been a problem.

I sure hope it isn't for you either.

I'm so happy for you guys. But...at the same time I know there is also sadness to it and I'm sorry you have to experience that.
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  #6  
September 10th, 2009, 03:21 PM
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All of your feelings are completely normal. And my best advice is to take it, literally, day by day. Every small step you make it is a huge milestone. That is how I have gotten to where I am. Everyday I am one day closer to holding this little one. And keep in mind the idea that Ethan is not mad at you, instead he is watching over this new gift and he can be your strength every step of the way. You will have a happy and healthy 9 months.
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  #7  
September 10th, 2009, 03:23 PM
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omg rebecca congrats hun,

what you are feelings is totally normal i know i felt the same and its so sad that after a loss like ours it really does spoil pregnancy afterwards guilt, scared, everything is just stolen,

but i am so freaking happy for you hun love you x
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  #8  
September 10th, 2009, 06:16 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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REBECCA!!!

I am SO HAPPY for you and I wish you a completely uneventful 9 months. And please know that what you are feeling IS (unfortunately and sadly) normal.
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  #9  
September 10th, 2009, 08:42 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
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congrats. I would have to agree with what everyone says.
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  #10  
September 10th, 2009, 09:04 PM
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I am so thrilled for you!! Like everyone said just take it day by day. I don't know much about being pregnant after a loss, but I know a whole lot about being pregnant with type 2 diabetes, and being pregnant with multiples and being pregnant with both. And I will chat with you anytime you need some extra support. It is scary, but just take it little by little. High sugars will come, they are unpredictable in pregnancy, and it will be fine. I am sure you will do a great job.
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  #11  
September 10th, 2009, 11:06 PM
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I'm back to say CONGRATS!!! and you're not alone in how you're feeling.

I'm am soooo beyond terrified for this pregnancy and everyone knows that. People keep telling me to stop worrying and stop being so weird about it. My own Grandma said to me today "well you're 3 months now, so I think it's about time you stop worrying." Uhh, I lost Katrina at almost 23 weeks. I know she's trying to help me relax and I'm so glad my mom stuck up for me and said "none of us have gone through what Stephanie has gone through, so we have nothing to say about how she should or shouldn't be feeling."

Sorry for going on, but it's absolutely normal what you're feeling. I was a nervous wreck before yesterday's u/s, but I made it through. Now I'm going to start worrying about the big 19 week one. You literally have to just take it day by day. You have no other choice.

As for the morning sickness, I hope it's not as bad as it was with Ethan. I had none this pregnancy and lots with Katrina.

Lots of
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  #12  
September 10th, 2009, 11:17 PM
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I don't know what else to add to the above posts, but just wanted to congratulate you. Take care of yourself and don't worry about anything else.
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  #13  
September 11th, 2009, 05:55 AM
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Congrats! Your feelings are completely normal. I know it's an added worry with diabetes (i had gd with 2 and then told I had type 2 with my last pregnancy) and i am sure any high or low is scary.
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  #14  
September 12th, 2009, 07:40 AM
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I just wanted to say congrats! And all your feelings are completely normal. It is hard to get excited when our worst fear has become our reality. I never got to enjoy my first pregnancy until I was 22 weeks and the doctor said we were "out of the woods". I am type 1 diabetic and my sugars weren't under control when I got pg. I was so scared until the 22w u/s showed no abnormalities, strong hb, and she was the perfect weight (problem for diabetic momma's). I told myself when I got pregnant with Hannah that I was going to love this baby and tell the world about her, just like I did with her sister. I wanted everyone to have the chance to know her just as long as me.

As far as the diabetes, well I wanted to tell you about the GI diet. Basically it is eating a protein with a carb, every time! Also the GD diet, also try to eat less carbs at breakfast (this is naturally higher in the am), and stick with 30-40 carbs per meal and 15-20 carbs per snack. You should have 3 balanced meals, and at least 2 snacks. If you eat a string cheese with those couple cookies that you will crave, it will help balance your sugars. If you have any questions, I am here!

PAL is not an easy journey, big HUGS!
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  #15  
September 12th, 2009, 03:43 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I am struggling with the diabetes, I'll be honest. I had a great diet said up, but my sugar went completely nuts and in order to keep it within normal levels I am down to 15g of carbs per meal and NO carbs other than that. That's only 45 grams of carbs per day! Hopefully my OB (who is a diabetes specialist) will be able to help me next week, because this is hard!
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  #16  
September 12th, 2009, 08:39 PM
littlebeansmommy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BakingMommy View Post
Holy crap, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!



And I feel cheated too. I feel cheated in the way I cannot be naive like you said...I can never be just solely happy about pregnancy, about another baby...but at the same time I think we appreciate it more. I am not saying that people who have never suffered a loss can help it, but that suffering a loss does wind up making someone appreciate whatever it is they have lost more. KWIM?
I ditto this! I went for my 18 wk u/s last week and got a wonderful tech who was training a student and so my u/s took 50 minutes and she went into a lot of detail for the benefit of the student. It was sooooo wonderful to be able to see our peanut (another little boy) on the screen for that long. He was a bugger though and wouldn't let her get a great view of his heart, she got a good one, but not the one she wanted. As she scanned over him, he moved chest up and she paused to look at the heart again. She apologized for taking longer to get this better view. I chuckled and said I didn't know a pregnant woman who would be upset with seeing her baby for a little longer on the screen. She got all serious and looked at me and went "you'd be surprised".

We definitely appreciate pregnancy more. I don't complain about ANYTHING. I don't have the right to. I am blessed beyond belief just to be pregnant again. It urks me to listen to my pregnant friends complain about being close to the end, cankles, being uncomfortable. I want to shout....JUST BE THANKFUL.

All any of us can do is take one day at a time. You'll have your highs, and you'll have your lows, but it's important to at least try and not drive yourself crazy! Once I had my 12 wk u/s, I made the decision that I was going to do my best to enjoy being pregnant again. Yes, I know that bad things can happen, but if I let my fear of what could be over-power my other emotions then I'm not doing myself any favors. I made the decision to be positive and really fight my fear. I have my moments, but I'm doing ok. I'm shopping, and making bedding, and trying to keep my mind focused on the positive. RIGHT NOW, I have a little guy who likes to kick at my tummy when I lay on it. Tomorrow, well, there's enough to worry about today, so I try not to think about it.

I don't know if that helps or not.
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  #17  
September 14th, 2009, 08:25 AM
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Oh, Rebecca, I'm SO SO SO excited for you! I find myself daily praying I'm pregnant, and then praying I'm not because of the fear. I have no idea what I want. I want a child... pregnancy, I'm not sure. HUGS!! We are here with you for the next very uneventful (big prayers for that) 9 months.
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  #18  
September 15th, 2009, 02:43 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Yay!! I feel screaming in this thread too (like I did in my "I'm home" thread in PL). I'm so excited for you!!

I have to tell you, I was terrified about the sickness when I got my bfp with Erin. I was scared of another loss, yes, but for me the fear of m/s was the closer one (since I'd "obviously" wouldn't have another loss until the end, and had to get through 9 months of puking first). I was still very sick with Erin, but I didn't end up in the hospital, like I did with Cora. I WAS a lot better. I think the fact that they put me on meds right away and I knew ways to help a little. Hopefully you don't get as sick this time.

YAY!
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  #19  
September 15th, 2009, 03:09 PM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
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Congrats Rebecca. Just take it one day at a time. I hope everything works out for you. Happy and Healthy Nine Months!
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