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  #1  
September 13th, 2009, 08:03 PM
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The first anniversary is coming up in a few weeks...October 6th is the babies' birthday, October 5th is when I found out he was gone. Sometime in the 11 days prior is when he actually died.

What can I do for this first anniversary/birthday? I don't know what to do. I've got to plan a 1st birthday party for Ella (which is only going to be immediate family-myself, husband, my parents, husbands mom and grandma, that's it because that's all I can handle-if I can even handle that). But I don't know exactly what's okay/appropriate to do for Logan. I'm having a big birthday cake for Ella and then a small 'smash' cake or whatever. I want to have a small one for Logan too, and let her smash into it and eat it for him. Is that weird? I don't know.

His headstone is being delivered tomorrow and then hopefully installed by the end of the week. I want to do something there too (he is buried 4 hours away) but I don't know what to get? Balloons? His headstone has a permanent vase on it so I know I'll get some flowers, but I don't know what else.

I'm feeling pretty crappy abotu myself. I don't even know what I *want* to do, what will be meaningful. I will obviously light his candle that I keep in the living room and I will write him a letter. I just don't know what else.

I want something special, something perfect. But really, nothing will be good enough. Perfect would be having him here, and I can't have that.

*sigh*
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Laura-32
Mike-35
b/g twins Logan and Ella
10/06/08
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure

Journey to Logan video http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4e54597...314d673d3d0d0a

Last edited by laurakatee; September 14th, 2009 at 05:18 PM.
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  #2  
September 13th, 2009, 09:15 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Of course get him a cake!!!
And I've seen other mommies post pics of balloon releases at the cemetary.

The anniversaries are hard...the first one is absolutely the hardest!!!!

Don't be too hard on yourself, mom. You're doing the best you can!!!
Always with hugs!
Dawna
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  #3  
September 14th, 2009, 12:26 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i agree the 1st one is the hardest, and its usually the build up to the day too.

im sure what u chose to do will be perfect a balloon release is a perfect idea and a cake he will be proud what ever u do hun
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  #4  
September 14th, 2009, 06:16 AM
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The first anniversary is definitely the hardest. Anything you choose to do will be wonderful because it is coming from your heart. A little smash cake sounds great.
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  #5  
September 14th, 2009, 08:22 AM
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I like the idea of a little cake for both Logan and Ella. I also like the idea of a balloon release. Everyone that wants to can write a little note to him on a balloon and then send them up to heaven for him. Hug honey. I know the day is going to be really hard but I pray that God will give you a lot of peace on that day also.
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  #6  
September 14th, 2009, 08:29 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I really like buying a gift for my son and giving it to charity. I do it for the NICU where Sarah Beth stayed because I love them so much and they need a lot of stuff. So each year I buy something and we take it up the NICU and Sarah Beth gets to see all the nurses who took care of her and such.

We also buy balloons and put them with the flowers at the cemetary and then release them.

I love the idea of a smash cake for him. I don't think it is weird at all!

Do whatever you feel is best. Logan is your son and Ella is your daughter. Don't let other people tell you what you "should" do or how you "should" feel.
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  #7  
September 14th, 2009, 11:44 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Laura, I say do whatever you feel is "right" for you, not what everyone else thinks. If you want to get balloons, get balloons! If you want to give Ella her own smash cake and Logan's smash cake, I say go for it.

Me, personally, I didn't do anything in the way of a party for Noah. He was cremated and is home with us so there was no headstone to put balloons and flowers on. On his / Julia's birthday, I just felt this sadness I could not shake. I looked at his pictures, I cried (WOW, did I cry ...), I listened to sad songs, I just had a sad fest over his loss. I promised myself that whatever sad emotions I was going to feel was going to be separate from the birthday party I had for Julia.

And I'm glad I did. Julia's party was a big success and I was just so happy to see all our friends participate in celebrating the life of our daughter that I didn't have time to be sad on a day that should've been for Julia AND Noah. I did cry later on that evening, though, when my friend presented me with a gift for Noah --- a star in his memory with the International Star Registry. She was the only person who acknowledged Noah on his birthday; no doubt that I just burst into tears over that gift.

If you don't feel like doing anything, that is OK too. This first year was very VERY hard for me. I thought long and hard about what I could do to remember Noah on his 1st birthday, but honestly there was nothing that came to mind that could justify a celebration perfect enough. This fall, DH and I are going to plant a tree in the backyard for him and place some of his ashes around the tree. Maybe that will make it easier to "celebrate" coming birthdays, but for this year, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything.
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  #8  
September 14th, 2009, 01:42 PM
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I agree with the other ladies, do what YOU need to do and forget what other people think.
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  #9  
September 16th, 2009, 06:48 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I haven't had to suffer that first birthday yet but I will in 2 months. I have been wracking my brain these 10 months trying to decide exactly what to do.

A balloon release is a popular idea and rightfully so-they are always very nice. I cry every time I see a picture from an angel baby birthday balloon release. Meg had a great idea about the writing messages on it before letting them go! I'm going to do that! I've also thought of everyone lighting a small candle at the same time, letting them burn throughout the day or the "party" or the memorial and then have everyone blow their candle out, but I don't know if I am going to do that this year. That would be a good idea though I think for anyone who doesn't want to do a balloon release. If you have the time and space, planting a memorial tree or garden on his birthday would be neat. Of course I am going to take him presents (decorations, balloons, stuffed animals, etc) to his grave on his birthday and I imagine you will do something like that also. I am going to bake something in memory of him that day too. You could also maybe buy something every year for his birthday to add to his memory box or memeorial shelf? When I had Roald and started the shelf (I also have a box, but that is not on display and it doesn't fit on his shelf) I bought the For Baby caboose to the Precious moments Birthday train and I will buy the bisque porcelain figure that corresponds with his birthday every year (it goes up to age 16). I w3anted to order something customized with his name but I don't know if we can afford that this year. I wanted to get this one boy angel figure from PM that you can add custom text to the base (I was going to get his name) but we havesome insurance issues plus I am due around that time so I don'tthink I will be able to this year. I know Nat got Devin a beautiful train with his name on it for his shelf. These are just ideas....I will be interested to hear what you decide on!

Barb-my IRL friend who had a stillborn daughter at 40 weeks had her daughter cremated (she wanted burial, but couldn't afford it at the time). On Savannah's birthday they go to the Pagoda (which is a neatly built building on a mountain overlooking the city where Savannah was born) and they do a balloon release from there. If you ever wanted to do one yourself, I don't thin kjust because Noah is cremated necessarily means you can't!
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  #10  
September 16th, 2009, 07:13 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BakingMommy View Post
Barb-my IRL friend who had a stillborn daughter at 40 weeks had her daughter cremated (she wanted burial, but couldn't afford it at the time). On Savannah's birthday they go to the Pagoda (which is a neatly built building on a mountain overlooking the city where Savannah was born) and they do a balloon release from there. If you ever wanted to do one yourself, I don't thin kjust because Noah is cremated necessarily means you can't!
Oh, no I know it doesn't mean that I can't; I just couldn't bring myself to do something this year

I don't know why. I thought for a couple of months what I could do to celebrate the fact that yes, he WAS alive at some point in time. But sadly ... I don't know, call me weird or strange or whatever ... I couldn't bring myself to call it his "birthday", so what was there to celebrate, ya know? That was the day he died. According to everything, Noah died on July 22, 2008 at 10:41 in the morning. The anesthesiologist called the time in the OR right after the OB delivered Julia. I had to hear this. It saddens me beyond reason.

I don't know how to explain it. I guess this first year was very, very difficult for me. I still have a very strong bitterness towards something --- the universe? the world? G-d? that I even had to battle infertility in the first place to GET pregnant, then have MY SON taken away from me before I could even get a chance to meet him.

*sigh*

Sorry to hijack this thread with my vent.
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I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





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  #11  
September 16th, 2009, 10:23 AM
sarahp's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We just had our 2nd anniversary for Joshua. The days leading up to the anniversary are definitely the worst. The build up is horrible.

I can't even remember what we did last year... This year we went to our favourite B&B nearby which is where we went after we lost Joshua, and stayed there and just relaxed, walked on the beach and spent time together which was perfect.

Do whatever you're most comfortable with - it's different for everyone *hugs*
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  #12  
September 16th, 2009, 10:49 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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For Cora's first two I just took flowers up to Jenny Lake, where we spread her ashes. This year, Cora's 3rd, I couldn't because we moved so now instead of 2 hours away, I'm a little over 9 hours away, so you can't just take a quick day trip. So I named a star for her this year (with the international star registry), and a good friend of mine took flowers to Jenny Lake. They've since moved though, so next year there won't be any flowers at Jenny Lake.

I agree with the other ladies, you do what you need to do. I think that having a cake for Logan for Ella to smash is such a sweet idea.

And it's true, the first one really is the hardest. The others....well, you've done it before, so you know you can survive it, kwim?



And Barb, I think I'd be bitter too, to go through all you went through only to have your son taken (Nat too!!). Extra for you
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