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I am having the month from hell, and now the week from hell.
The month leading up to losing Logan last year was horrible beyodn belief. My grandfather died, Hurricane Ike hit our home, had to stay evacuated for weeks, no power at home and damage to our house, had to have family dog put to sleep, husbands grandmother had to have emergency heart surgery in Dallas where they evacuated to (which none of us could be there for because we were evacuated elsewhere), an on and on and on. It all culminated in thinking things were better once I got back home and power was restored, only to find out days later that we had lost Logan.
So I knew this month would be hard. I knew I would go through the "last year at this time I was _________" and I knew the anniversary of my grandfathers death would be hard, and I knew the weeks leading up to Logans death would be even harder. And it has been hard. SO hard. But it's just been SO much harder than I've ever imagined.
To top it off, I am now probably about to lose my job at a time where I have NO energy to put into being fake and interviewing and even being just 'together' because I am so NOT together right now. I'm falling apart. And with this economy, whose gonna hire me anyway?
And to top THAT off, I just got a call that the headstone was delivered today. My dad went to check it out (Logan is buried four hours away from me, close to my parents) and they freaking messed it up! On the back it says "I love you my precious boy" except that they left the "I" off. I know it's amistake that can be fixed. But if the headstone company insists on having it sent back to them to fix (out of state), then I'm screwed on getting it back in time for the anniversary/birthday on October 6th.
I just want SOMETHING to go right and NOTHING is right now!!!!!
I'm sorry...I just really needed to vent. I'm realizing I don't think I ever properly grieved for Logan because I was so wrapped up in having to take care of Ella. I never stopped. And even now, when I'm alone I break down. EVERY SINGLE TIME. the thing is, I'm rarely alone. My company is owned by my best friend so I'm not alone even for so much as lunch. She is always there. I broke down yesterday when we were talking about me maybe having to find another job and told her "I don't think I can. I can't be alone. The only reason I'm functioning is because I'm with you every day and not forced to be by myself with my own thoughts".
I dunno, I know I've grieved, but I don't think I've done it in teh right way or enough of it or something because I've always had to be "on" for somebody else. I've always been taking care of Ella, or working here. It's rare that I'm a lone. The times I am, I am usually interrupted by a phone call here at work, or at home interrupted by Ella and something she needs at the moment.
I need to breathe, girls. I really need to breathe and I feel like I don't ever get a chance to. Part of me wants to check into a hotel by myself for a night and just sit alone. Just get it all out. But of course you need money to do that and no job will equal no money. UGH!!!!
I'm sorry, I just realllly needed to vent right now. thanks for listening.
b/g twins Logan and Ella
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure
Oh no. I'm so sorry this has been so unbelievably hard for you. It's hard enough losing your child, but it sounds like you had EVERYTHING piled on top of you that month, and then with having to take care of Ella... it's no wonder you're still melting down. I wish i could offer you something more, but I know there's really not much that could help you feel better... except to know that we're here, and listening.
I wish we lived closer! I would just give you a hug and tell you to go on and vent all you want. And to keep venting --- about anything, everything, non-stop. And to just cry. And to yell. And to laugh. And to do it all over again if you need to.
I know it's hard, believe me I know. Feel free to send me an message on facebook; I'll send you my email address. Please know, you can vent to me anytime. I haven't experienced all that you have, but I can safely say that we can certainly vent about losing our beautiful sons to a stillbirth and that is a HUGE thing that weighs heavy on our hearts, now and always.
((HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS)).
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
I've always felt that extra case sympathy for people who lose in a multiple pregnancy situation, for this very reason. The whole idea of having to care for a baby and be happy also while losing a baby and grieving is just something no one should ever have to go through.
Don't even get me started on memorial places, the companies you order stones and such from. Gingirch Memorials, or at leqast the woman in the office where we went, were terrible. She was dishonest, full of crap, sheisty, WE always had to call THEM about everything and when the groundskeeper put another baby's large stone onto part of our plot causing our stone to not fit Gingrich did not give us a discount and the way they "resized" Roald's $850 stone? By cutting a slice off each side and then hammering those sides off! It looks like ****! Ugh!
And then the groundskeeper never put it in until he had it for over 2 months and Gingrich was telling me our payment was going to be late and they were going to charge interest and I was like HELLLOOO I'm not going to pay for something that we haven't even seen yet and that hasn't been installed and that's not our fault!
I sure hope they have it in by his birthday for you. For lack of better wording it will at least be one more nice thing about that day.
I'm just so sorry about your job and all of this, everything.