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I feel like I'm being ridiculous - but Im hurt. *UPDATE*


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 16th, 2009, 02:16 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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God this is going to sound so selfish but dammit my feelings are hurt.

If you all remember, when I found out about D's birth defects & the 2 weeks waiting for the apt, and Any time after that.... my sister has NOT been there for me. At All. To this day she hasn't even given me a hug, or him a second thought I don't think. Even though he is her nephew. Ugh okay - so fast forward to now. Her older half brother (she's my step sister - they have same mom diff dad) just had a baby with his gf. She was delivered at 38 weeks because the momma had GD. Well it turns out baby has a bunch of birth defects she has limb defects, spina bifida, undeveloped lungs and possible brain damage. It's horrible & chances are she will not make it. Of course the family is a mess. My sister is absolutely destroyed about the thought of losing her niece. She posts on FB like every hour how destroyed she is and how much she wishes she could be with them to support them, and all the things a sister SHOULD do/feel. . . so why wasn't she there for me, then? If I carried D to term - would she have given a flying f&ck about him and about us? Is it because he was stillborn that he didn't matter? That what we went through didn't matter? It's the same thing... the only difference is that she carried to term, that they get time with their daughter living. Ugh I'm so ****** ridiculous aren't I? I just wish my sister cared that much about me and about Damian. I don't know if it's me she has something against or what.... I just felt like she didn't know how to be there for me or D.... but apparently she is capable. Just not for us. Maybe it's because blood is thicker than water. We aren't biologically sisters. But she's been my step sister for 13 years!! I feel like just giving up on her completely.

How ridiculous am I I sound so selfish, don't I? Grrrr..... maybe its just the hormones.

~~~UPDATE~~~

OMFG. She is DRIVING to Vancouver to be with her Brother. Tomorrow. It's a 20+ hour drive from here. She couldn't drive TWO FVCKING BLOCKS for me, but she can drive all the way across the FVCKING province for him?? OMG... I'm sooo hurt & I'm soo mad.
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Last edited by BellaBellski; September 16th, 2009 at 07:11 PM.
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  #2  
September 16th, 2009, 02:26 PM
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You are not being ridiculous at all! I think any of us would feel that way. You have every right to be hurt. For whatever reason, she just doesn't get it and that really sucks but don't feel bad about how you feel.
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  #3  
September 16th, 2009, 02:32 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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You are NOT being ridiculous! SHE is the ridiculous one. It's hard when someone you care about fails you time after time. I'm sorry she is like this.
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  #4  
September 16th, 2009, 02:39 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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hun i would feel totally the same way of course your bount to be hurt

many hugs to you x
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  #5  
September 16th, 2009, 03:40 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I agree with the other girls. I think I'd be really upset too. It IS ridiculous. Maybe you're right and the difference is that she can see/hold her niece, and she couldn't with Damian, and she's not emotionally mature enough to understand that it's the same for you.

I'm sorry. I think I would be giving up on her too. It shouldn't matter that you're "only" her stepsister. I was devastated for my SIL when she miscarried and that's less of a relationship I think.
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  #6  
September 16th, 2009, 05:35 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Did you read my post from earlier this week? It is a very similar situation. I had my stillbirth in May and was treated pretty crappy by my chain of command. Then this week someone else in my unit lost her daughter, a week after birth and is getting all kinds of support from the unit. I got nothing.

I feel the same way. I think it is because so many people don't see stillborn babies as 'real'. I blogged about it too.

You are not selfish or ridiculous at ALL! Because if you are then I must be too.
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  #7  
September 16th, 2009, 05:44 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I love you girls. You always make me feel so much better. Its hard not to feel guilty - because this little baby is in such a bad state. It's just I know it would have been the same freaking thing if I would have carried to term. You know? Just because I lost him at 21 weeks doesn't change the fact that -My. Son. Died.- I wish people could understand that..... I really do.

I'm sorry I haven't been around here much - I just get so stressed out and worried about everything... its just easier. Until this baby is in my arms, I'm terrified.
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  #8  
September 16th, 2009, 06:37 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Oh honey

You are not selfish, not one bit. And you are not being ridiculous. I would feel the same way. In fact, I do feel the same way. Granted, both DH and I live 1700 miles away from both families, but after Noah was born sleeping, Nate's mother flew out to be with us for a few days. Not one -- NOT ONE --- single person from my family came out to be with me. Thank G-d for new friends and co-workers who were kind enough to come visit us in the hospital and be with us.

Sadly, I agree with the Moms here who said that many people don't see stillborn babies as "real". Sad reality, but it's true

to you, hon. I say be as angry as you want to be. It's justified.
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  #9  
September 16th, 2009, 07:27 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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update bump
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  #10  
September 16th, 2009, 08:21 PM
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I don't think you are ridiculous or selfish. I agree with the other moms that said people don't see a stillborn as 'real'. When my cousin was killed everyone was there for my aunt and her family, as they should be when something devastating happens but i did feel like i was the worst person alive when thoughts of, why couldn't people have been there for me came into my head.
I;m sorry she is constantly letting you down and doesnt realize you needed and need support.
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  #11  
September 16th, 2009, 09:22 PM
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I agree with everything that is said before. It's been 2 months for me, but I've been pretty bitter about realizing that close family doesn't perceive this the same way we do. It makes me very mad. Unfortunately, unless the person had experienced our pain they will never understand.

Hugs!!!
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  #12  
September 16th, 2009, 11:58 PM
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You're not selfish, Tanya. Damian was a human being and is forever your son.

As I've heard numerous times about Katrina that I absolutely hate to hear so much: "she was just a fetus" Well F*CK you to the people who say that. She is and forever will be OUR baby.

All of us here know and understand where you're coming from.
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  #13  
September 17th, 2009, 05:22 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yeah, she just has always sounded a little not-so-great in my opinion. It COULD be like you said...maybe she sees a whole sibling as someone who is more or something? Or maybe she has some grudge against you that you have no idea about??? I know people who are like that. I don't agree with it, but there are all different kinds of people and feelings in the world...

But it's also very likely that it is like everyone said...maybe his being premature and stillborn and the fact that she didn't hold him make it seem like less of an ordeal to her or something. We didn't think at the time to let anyone else see or hold Roald either...Luckily no one acted as outrightly uncaring as your sister, but if they had I would sort of think that was the reason. It makes it more real that it is a baby and a death when someone sees him or her, especially if they hold him/her.

I would be really hurt too.
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Last edited by BakingMommy; September 17th, 2009 at 05:25 AM.
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  #14  
September 17th, 2009, 06:14 AM
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Have you told her how you feel? It may not be tangible to her and perhaps the lack of blood relation plays a role. I don't know. It's ****** of her.

Folks that dismiss or downplay a loss are not people I associated with. My step-MIL said something very ****** when she tried to 'relate' to me about our loss. Comparing the loss of one's pets to the loss of a child to the mother is a bad, bad move. And repeatedly saying over and over that their pain was probably a lot like ours is a major open mouth insert foot moment. After that I wanted nothing to do with her. Don't like her at all. I figure since she and my husband are not at all close it may have something to do with why she feels that way. Her nephew passed away last year around the same time and I know **** well she wouldn't say such a thing to her brother or SIL.
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  #15  
September 17th, 2009, 09:59 AM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I've tried to talk to her and see if she holds a grudge against me or something (our parents tend to favor me & my family, I don't know why & I hate it, but they do) we've talked about that and she said she doesn't care, she doesn't hold anything against me. But she's also one of those nod and smile people that will never really tell you how she feels. She's very immature. I haven't brought up how I feel about this situation yet because I feel it's just not the right time. Especially with her leaving today to drive to van - I'll just wait until she gets back. Give me some time to rationalize things.
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  #16  
September 17th, 2009, 11:24 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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You're definitely the bigger person, I think, to wait until you calm down etc.


I can't believe you're 36 weeks already. Soon!!
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  #17  
September 17th, 2009, 01:32 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yeah I know Brittanie! I can't believe October is almost here. I think Tanya and Gayle are the ones farthest along now that Katie should have had Kaden. Eek! Exciting!
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  #18  
September 17th, 2009, 03:21 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I know trust me, I CANNOT wait! This has been suuuuch a long process. My neighbor even said the other day "When are you ever going to have that baby!? You've been pregnant FOREVER!" ..... I was 5 months pregnant with D when we moved into our house last August, and we pretty much keep to ourselves so they dont know the story - to them it must look like I've been pregnant forever! lol and it definitely Feels like it to me!
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