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Loss has turned me into a lunatic (pg mentioned)


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 17th, 2009, 03:48 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I had a transvaginal ultrasound today. Not to see the baby, but to check my cervix and check on my hyperstimulation syndrome, make sure my ovaries haven't exploded or what have you. He was hoping to see something in there, and tried really hard, but in the end admitted that it's probably too early to see anything. That my uterus is awfully squished by the half a liter of fluid I'm still retaining. And I know that because I'm a big gal u/s, transvaginal or otherwise, don't reveal much until way later than a normal chick.

So what did I do? Go home and freak the **** out. I convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant (my morning sickness did rather suddenly go away), that I was having a chemical pregnancy. I FLIPPED OUT. My sister called and peeled me off of the ceiling, and told me to take a pregnancy test. I run out to the grocery store, apparently they don't carry any "family planning products" (really? isn't it 2009, not 1959?). Run to the pharmacy. The pharmacist and I know each other pretty well, she knows I'm pregnant and looked at me like I was a crazy person when I tried to explain. Came home took the test. It was positive. I googled chemical pregnancy anyway. I'm seriously considering asking for another blood test to make sure my levels are doubling and whatnot.

I HATE that this is the person I've become.
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  #2  
September 17th, 2009, 03:54 PM
noworries
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Is your OB planning on trying another ultrasound anytime soon? If not, can you request another one in a week and a half or so....by then they should be able to at least see something (although it would still be early so they wouldn't see a whole lot). I'm so sorry sweetie. I know I'm gonna be the same way if and when I get pregnant again.
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  #3  
September 17th, 2009, 04:53 PM
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Aw man, Rebecca. I'd have freaked the fugg out, too. I am with you on asking for a blood test to make sure your numbers are doubling, cuz that's what I'd probably do, too.

Please remind me ... how far along are you again? Are you still under the care of your RE?

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  #4  
September 17th, 2009, 05:19 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I will be 5 weeks tomorrow. I was seeing my RE for a post-IUI check mainly. I am currently under the care of the OB, we've already spoken about my diabetes. I have an u/s at the OB's office on the 29th. The OB said that the 29th was the earliest we could do the u/s because before that there wouldn't be much to see and she didn't want to worry me.

I was also freaking out because my morning sickness went away. But my other symptoms - peeing all the time, increased need for insulin - are still there. I should be thankful the m/s is gone, with Ethan it was so bad I was hospitalized a few times, but instead I'm worried. I want a worry free pregnancy like other women have, but I know that that's never going to happen. Just one more way that grief has changed me.
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  #5  
September 17th, 2009, 05:40 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yeah, the hard thing about all of this is that it's NEVER going to be "normal" ever again. It's a double hit... it turns us into lunatics, and then we get ticked off that we're lunatics!

Anything before 5 weeks really IS too early to see anything at all, I know you're still going to worry, but hopefully the next time you go in they can show you the bub.

Hang in there, girl. This is going to be a bumpy ride, but at least we're both in this together.
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  #6  
September 17th, 2009, 05:53 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I'm so glad we're doing this together!
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  #7  
September 18th, 2009, 02:32 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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All I can say about the U/S is what and everyone else said-before 5 weeks is very very early to see anything. But I would have been the same way. If I were you I would be doing one of my infamous nervewracki9ng countdowns to the 29th now. And by the time it got around I would freak out and be puking, Ugh!!!

I hate the subsequent pregnancy woes. I think your baby bean is going to be fine, that it was just too early, but nothing anyone will say can stop you from worrying and I totally understand that!!!
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  #8  
September 18th, 2009, 08:20 AM
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5 weeks is definately early to see anything. I remember being 8 wks pregnant, and the dr. did transvaginal and said it was hard to see. I would be the same if I was to get pregnant again. It's never going to be the "normal, laid-back pregnancy" . That's why I still undecided if I want to get pregnant again, because I think that I will end up in a mental institution from all the worry.
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  #9  
September 18th, 2009, 11:51 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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I will also chime in here to say that 5 weeks is too early to see anything. I didn't go see my RE for an fpost-IUI ultrasound until 6 weeks, and that's when she first saw "stuff" with heartbeats via a trans-vag US.

Another follow up at 7 weeks pretty much saw the same thing ... "stuff" with heartbeats. Only then was I released from their care into the hands of an OB at ... 9? 10? weeks.
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  #10  
September 18th, 2009, 02:52 PM
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I think you should be patient abit with u/s am sure something will show up soon.
I also understand that every pregnancy can be different. Am experiencing it different this time around too. Hope you get some piece of mind
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  #11  
September 18th, 2009, 04:42 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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I know I should be patient but that's very hard. I am NOT supposed to be pregnant right now. I am supposed to have a 3 month old son. I am supposed to be changing diapers and waiting for him to learn how to smile at me. Instead I am lighting memorial candles and hoping my son will forgive me for being pregnant again less than a year after his death. So patience is a virtue I just don't have.
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  #12  
September 18th, 2009, 04:49 PM
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Hun, you're normal, I went through the same thing early on. It is tough when they are there to recognize and feel. Trust me, you'll be praying for that little one to calm down 2 seconds so you can sleep towards the end.
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  #13  
September 18th, 2009, 07:28 PM
littlebeansmommy's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oona View Post
I think you should be patient abit with u/s am sure something will show up soon.
I also understand that every pregnancy can be different. Am experiencing it different this time around too. Hope you get some piece of mind
Although we appreciate outsiders coming and expressing support on the stillbirth board, please recognize that our thoughts and feelings about being pregnant vary greatly from the average woman. We have many more stresses and concerns and are not likely to get over those stresses until we are holding a healthy baby in our arms.

Please do not come and tell us how we should be handling being pregnant. Being patient to see or hear something on the heals of being told your unborn child no longer has a heartbeat is not something we are capable of doing. And this is not specific to one person. WE ALL go through this.

Although we know each pregnancy will be different, and is different, nothing can prepare you for dealing with pregnancy after having lost a child.

Rebecca, you can come here and stress as much as you want. WE know what it's like and WE'RE here to support you. My blood pressure used to go up before each OB visit before I started feeling movement. I know exactly the kind of stress you are feeling right now, and it's ok to feel that way. No amount of trying to be patient or calm could ease my nerves until we actually got into the Dr's office and was told that, for the moment, everything is ok.
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  #14  
September 19th, 2009, 08:22 PM
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Rebecca. Those feelings are so normal. My boobs hurt for the first few weeks and then went away so I freaked about that. I freaked out about pretty much everything until i got confirmation at each visit that my baby still had a heartbeat. I hated the stress and worry but it was like a compulsion and I couldnt stop.

I ditto littlebeansmommy's post. This is a place for venting and to express concerns and receive support and not to be told to be patient when you have been devastated.
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