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For the first several minutes my little guy came into this world, Kelly and I both were a blubbering mess. I cried because of relief and anticipation, meeting my son and knowing my life would never be the same, and the horrible one, knowing that I never got to know this w/my angel.
While we were at the hospital, Kelly ad I both would tell Kaden his big brother is watching over him, and how much we love them both, and how he made it possible for us to have him. I didn't know such new babies could smile, but he did, dimples and all. It made it all so surreal.
I have him home now, I'm resting while he sleeps, I can't really move too well, I have stitches and am just so sore, but I can't keep my hands off of him. I go by his bassinet and poke him to make sure he's still moving sometimes. I don't let family touch him without hand sanitizer. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am so scared something is goign to take the first joyful moments I've had since finding out I was pregnant again. It's amazing how much you realize you love your new little one, yet how it doesn't seem to be any kind of different love than that you have for your angel either. I love them both so much. My heart breaks knowing I can only hold one of them.
I'm so sorry our angels can't be here. Your intense feelings of concern are normal even for moms without a loss though. My SIL had a baby two weeks ago, and she is super concerned about hand sanitizing and outside germs. One night she had a panic attack about germs. My heart breaks that Keegan isn't right there with you though. You deserve to have all of your babies with you.
I have often wondered if I am a more paranoid mother because I lost Cora than I would have been had I not.
Bring Erin home was wonderful and awful at the same time. Every thing Erin did showed me just what I missed out on with Cora. When I lost Cora, I grieved what I perceived I lost. But I'd never had a child, so I really had no idea what it was I was missing. But having Erin here, and the living proof of what I didn't get, hurt so much. I was overjoyed at every milestone for Erin, but I had to also grieve that milestone missed with Cora too. It was so hard to be so mixed. I wanted nothing to just be purely overjoyed, but I couldn't, because I missed Erin's sister so much too.
So I guess, I just wanted to say that it's normal to look at Kaden and just miss Keegan. It's okay. Let yourself feel your grief when you feel it, and your joy too. It doesn't mean that you love Kaden any less if you cry for Keegan, and it doesn't mean that you love/miss Keegan any less when you're overjoyed for Kaden. ((I know you know that, but sometimes having it said is nice))
Brittanie said it perfectly. That was exactly how I felt after having Owen. I also used to wake him up a lot to make sure he was still breathing and ok and i dont think i would have been such a worrier with Jake. His loss changed my perspective on parenthood.
Owen, Avery, Samantha and forever missing Jake born still 08/01/99.
I guess that's really the hard part... that even when everything works out well, even when our rainbow child is here safe, there is still that horrible feeling that something will forever be missing, unfixable. I get little feelings of that already, my joy mixed with my sorrow. It has to be many many times stronger at the birth.