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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 20th, 2009, 02:57 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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at how u cope at living day to day with your grief?

sometimes when im so busy at home and i finally have time to stop and think, that i am actually surprised at how well i cope with the loss of jessica.
before i lost her i thought to myself if.....(if i saw loss on a movie or tv drama) that id probably never cope but i have and i think coped pretty well i have had reallt bad days and have hit rock bottom but i also think that i have really good days.

and still even 4 some years later i still have quite bad and upsetting days
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  #2  
September 20th, 2009, 07:09 PM
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yes absolutely.

When it first happened, I often thought "I can't do this. I just can't do it".
But I did. what choice did I have? I don't think I've coped wonderfully or anything, because I haven't. But I'm here, and I figure that's more than I could have imagined (more than I even WANTED at some points)
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Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure

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  #3  
September 20th, 2009, 09:16 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I've gotten it from others. I guess it depends on one's definition of coping well. My midwife and doula were surprised how 'well' I was taking it and how I was holding it together during the first week. I know I was numb and in shock during the early days/weeks. I think I 'handled' it well. There were times I wondered why my grief process seemed so different from others'. I came to peace with losing him early on. Having definite answers gave me closure. It allowed me to process it and begin healing.
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  #4  
September 21st, 2009, 06:18 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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I'm so unsure of myself sometimes, and certainly don't see what others see.

The chaplain at the hospital who spent some time with us after we lost Noah told me that my "strength is remarkable during such a difficult time" when I went to pick up the pictures the hospital took of Noah just a couple of weeks after his / Julia's birth. I thanked her and quickly changed the subject.

A woman at work was the first and only one at work to ask me "what happened to your son?" when we were both on the elevator on our way to our cars. When I told her as we were walking, she stopped me, looked me directly in the eye and said that she is very sorry to hear about what happened, but that she admired my "strength and courage."

Another friend / co-worker said to me "you are the strongest woman I know" for dealing with this difficult situation. Heck, even my THERAPIST said that I was "incredibly strong."

Do I think so? Not in the least. But to everyone else who tells me this, they must see something I don't. Perhaps I am strong. Perhaps I am courageous. Perhaps others are just weak when faced with this cross to bear. But seriously --- what choice did I have BUT to be "strong"?
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  #5  
September 21st, 2009, 06:53 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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i know exactly what u mean barb i just dont see it maybe cause i do most of my crying when im alone no one see's the gut wrenching shaky cries when im alone!

when everyone see's me guarenteed there is a smile on my face just to hide my true feelings they mustn't be able to see past that cause i can so feel the lie behind it
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  #6  
September 21st, 2009, 07:40 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I totally get what you're saying, Barb. When I interviewed the first midwives I used during the beginning of this pregnancy they were surprised at my mention of him and talking about the pregnancy and birth in a calm and technical manner. I'm a very matter-of-fact person and I'm not one to get emotional or break down around people. I'm more quiet and reserved and deal with things my own way. My husband is the same way, but is more logical and pragmatic.

Afew days following his birth when my midwives came by to see us I was smiling and in seemingly good spirits. They kept saying I looked so well and was so strong. Sometimes it was awkward being around people after telling them because it seemed they were looking for a specific reaction. If I didn't react a certain way then it made me feel weird. The hardest days were the first couple weeks. I didn't spend days crying in bed or breakdown and never did in public. There were many days I felt sad and broken; I just didn't show it outwardly the way most would expect. I cried the hardest in the hospital as he was given to me and when he was taken away. I was discharged about five hours after he was born. I was met by my midwife's doula friend that was watching our girls and she went to give me a very long bear hug. She kept telling me to let it all out. I didn't have anything to let out. I felt spent and emotionally and physically exhausted. After she left I went straight to my computer and worked on his pictures and then spent time online looking for a suitable urn, memory box and what options there were for releasing cremains. I felt like I had to 'do' something. It felt therapeutic.

Some days I get teary eyed when I go back and read journal entries because it makes everything so fresh. Looking at certain pictures spark emotion, but I don't have 'bad' days. I smile a lot when I look at his pictures and think about him.
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  #7  
September 21st, 2009, 10:16 AM
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It's still early in this process for me, but many people are telling me that I am "strong". I don't think that I'm strong, and like others mentioned I have no choice. I have a daughter and I need to take care of her. If it wasn't for her, I don't know how I would've survived the last 2 months. I had to go to work as I had no choice, and some people at work probably think that I am strong. But nobody really knows how it feels, how hard it is to get up in the morning and force myself to do anything. There hasn't been a day that I don't think of him. For some reason, this is still very unreal to me and feels like l am living through a bad dream.
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  #8  
September 21st, 2009, 12:04 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Ya know, the funny thing is ... I wonder if people (friends, family, co-workers, the general public) have the expectation that we should all walk around as blubbering messes, constantly howling and crying over our losses. Like, if WE don't acknowledge our losses on a constant basis, who are they to acknowledge our losses on a constant basis?

Should they just assume that just because we are NOT constantly teary-eyed and crying out loud that we ARE okay? That we are "over it" and the hurt and pain of losing our babies is done and gone? I would love to find out if this is the case.

As if it's not evil enough that I already feel like I'm wearing a 'scarlet letter', now I have to publicly act the part as well in order to get anyone to acknowledge my loss?
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Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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  #9  
September 21st, 2009, 12:14 PM
noworries
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I get the same thing as many of you have, so many people telling me how strong I am and that I am handling this in such a mature way (still haven't figured out what that means). I don't have any choice. I don't feel strong and I certainly don't want to be strong now. I want to crawl into a hole a lot of times but that's not an option. I only hope I can honor Eli in the way I handle his life and his death.
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  #10  
September 21st, 2009, 04:51 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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The only person who hasn't complimented me on my strength is my mom. And she's been there. So she understands that you get up, you eat, you shower, you keep being alive because you have no other choice, but that you don't feel strong at all.

I agree with you Barb, it's like if you don't cry all the time, you're strong and "healed" and all that, and I hate it. I hate it more now because the occasional time I do cry, now there's something "wrong" with me.
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  #11  
September 21st, 2009, 05:59 PM
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I will admit that I certainly have surprised myself. The funny thing is, and I have never mentioned this before; when I was first pregnant with Robert, I was always lurking in the Feb 09 DDC, as I was due with him in Jan 09. I read Brittanie's story about Cora and I just couldn't fathom how someone could live through that. I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that stillbirth happens. Then all of the sudden, in December, it was me. I had to deal with it. It was not a choice, it was life. I have been surprised about the way my DH and I have been through so much in the short time we have been together. And we have made it through all this even stronger then we began. I was already married and divorced before, so I never even imagined that 2 people could make it through all the crap we have. What's more, I am surprised I am still a somewhat 'happy' person. We bought a puppy when I got pregnant this time around. It was to keep me focused and keep me from dwelling on the risks of this pregnancy and what we know could potentially be the outcome. Well, now we come to find out the dog has a rare, never-before-seen-in-a-dog eye problem. We have spent boatloads of money on her and she is only 5 months old. We have only recently gotten a diagnosis of what it is and now, we have to wait for the surgeons to decide how they will do surgery without killing her. I would have never before imagined that I could make it through all this crap with out losing it. I have made it through more in the past 9 months then I ever, ever, ever imagined I would have to deal with. So am I surprised with myself, absolutely. I am surprised at how much I was previously a type-a personality and now I have learned that I have absolutely no control over anything. I guess you really just don't know what life will throw at you.
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