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How did you know you were ready to try again?


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
September 30th, 2009, 07:21 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: New York
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I've been thinking about posting this question for a while now but just couldn't bring myself to do that. How did you know you were ready to try to get pregnant again? Did you feel scared, guilty and/or unsure? I know right after this happened I wanted to get pregnant right away. Now I'm no longer sure about this. Am I ready mentally, physically and emotionally? I don't know. There is also guilt. I know that I shouldn't think that I would be replacing him, but there is this strange feeling that I would be too busy to think about him and remember him.
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  #2  
September 30th, 2009, 07:38 AM
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I've been wondering the same thing so I'm glad you posted this question.
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  #3  
September 30th, 2009, 08:10 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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This is a really interesting question and I will answer as best I can due to our situation (one survivig twin).

Since we needed to go through fertility treatments in order to get pregnant in the first place, we decided to "try again" at the end of 2009 / beginning of 2010, when Julia was about 1.5 years old. Well, her baby sister decided she had other plans --- we miraculously got pregnant in March of this year.

A couple of my co-workers joke about it, asking me if I feel like some naive teenager who has no idea that unprotected sex could lead to pregnancy. But when you've been trying to get pregnant for 5 years on your own and are not successful without medical intervention, you don't think for a minute that you need to protect yourself during sex

Was I scared and unsure? Yes, I still am. When we were expecting twins, we knew that we'd be very busy and while we were terrified at the though of trying to handle them all by ourselves (both of our families live 1700 miles away from us), we figured we'd somehow manage. Well, now that we're faced with a situation of one toddler and one infant, I am scared of how we'll manage to do that by ourselves all over again. Heck, I'm scared on a day to day basis of facing another stillbirth. I don't have that much strength in me to face it again.

I am very sad at the loss of our precious angel Noah and every day I wonder what it'd be like for Julia to have her twin brother grow up by her side (like he was supposed to), but I am also of the "life does go on" frame of mind. And I think that Noah had a hand in sending us his baby sister to do the work here on Earth that he was just needed for in Heaven instead. At least that's what helps me cope.

As far as guilt for loving another baby, it comes and goes. I felt it tremendously during Christmas last year and during their birthdays this year. I could not shower Noah with gifts like I did Julia. I could not throw a party for Noah like I did Julia. But DH reminded me that Noah is not here. There is nothing we can do for him but that we can do for Julia. We can't hug Noah, but we can give Julia twice as many hugs. We can't kiss Noah, but we can shower Julia with twice as many kisses. In a way, that's what helps me cope as well.

I don't for a moment feel like we're replacing Noah but I can't help but wonder if others may think this, seeing how we got pregnant only 7 months after having Noah and Julia.

Anyway, I hope this helps in answering your question. I think this kind of question is so personal in nature that others can't tell you a really good answer. It's like asking "how do I know he is 'The One'?" It's something that's answered only in your heart
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  #4  
September 30th, 2009, 10:13 AM
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I wanted to get pregnant right away. I wanted something to look forward to and I wanted a baby to hold and kiss and watch grow up. I felt guilty and scared and so many emotions. I was so set to be a mom and had all my plans laid out and it left me lost and devastated. I wanted Jake and still do but I also wanted a live baby to hold and kiss and do all the things that Jake, I, my dh and our families would never have with him. I was never really sure if I was ready and even after getting pregnant with Owen 3 years later I was still scared and felt moments of guilt, panic, stress and you name it. I agree with the pp and it's very personal.
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  #5  
September 30th, 2009, 11:11 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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We got pregnant with Erin 5 months after Cora was born. We started trying 4 months after.

Not only did I have the emotional issues, but I was SO sick while pregnant with Cora, and I had to be prepared to start throwing up again.

In the end, I had to decide whether my want of a baby to have and hold HERE was more than my fear of losing another one. And all during my pregnancy with Erin, I was so afraid. But you just have to learn to let yourself be happy when you're happy, and sad when you're sad. Just you wouldn't love one living child more than another, you won't love your angel less because you have a living child. Is okay for you to be excited for a new baby. It doesn't make you love your angel any less. And it's okay to be sad and miss your angel, it doesn't mean that you love your new baby any less. I think that was the hardest thing. I felt like getting excited for the future would mean that I didn't love/miss as much. And it's not true.

And while having another baby WON'T replace Eric, and it won't take that ache away, there is healing that comes from having a new baby in your arms.


Like the others said, it is a very personal decision. Good luck.
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  #6  
September 30th, 2009, 12:09 PM
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I knew I was ready a month after having Makayla. We started to try right away. It wasn't a matter of "replacing" her but I have such a hard time conceiving that I didn't want to "not" try and it take years again. I also felt like she was watching over us and would let us know when we were ready. Its a very hard decision.
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  #7  
September 30th, 2009, 12:46 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We are TTC now. I and my DH had to get to the point where our overwhelming desire to have another child was greater than our fear of losing another. In essence I had to be able to say it was worth the risk of burying another child. My hope is more than my fear.

Am I scared... OH YES. Everyday. I question my decision wondering if this is the right time and what will happen. But I always come back to hope.

You have to decide for youself.
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  #8  
September 30th, 2009, 02:34 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have been one of those people stuck on having kids since I was little and when we got pregnant then had an early miscarriage then got pregnant with Roald a month later I was so excited. Then when we lost him I felt not only robbed of our son but also of my pregnancy if that makes sense. I knew I could never replace him but I wanted so bad to be pregnanct again. We started trying in March and got a BFP that month. Everything was great....until June/July. Then things got emotionally intense. I had all the feelings everyone else said and I still have them....guilt, sadness, etc. I have also been more detached from this baby than I was when I was pregnant with Roald and in past discussions I know alot of us had/have this problem with subsequent pregnancies but it's just because of our past.

Sometimes I think we started TTC too soon (for us) but of course that cannot be changed now and I AM happy and excited to be having Vera. Part of the reason it upsets me is because we conceived most likely on Roald's EDD (we conceived March 2 or March 4 and March 2 was his due date) and I am due 9 days after his first birthday. I feel like there will be happiness and excitement at a time I want to take the time to grieve and acknowledge Roald. I will say that no matter what anyone would have told me back in March it wouldn't have made me stop TTC...I was absolutely stuck on it.

I personally would suggest waiting at least 4 months and ideally 6 months to TTC again unless age or fertility is an issue. But it really just goes on a person by person basis...different people handle things differently, know what I mean? And it's going to be tough no matter what, I just think taking at least a few months as a buffer and to really try to focus on grieving is a good idea.
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  #9  
September 30th, 2009, 03:37 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I never had doubts. We went through considerable treatments over a year and a half to get pregnant with Devin... so when he died it just felt like we were back at the beginning, and I was ready to jump back in right away. I couldnt' because of insurance, and then it's taken us quite a while to get pregnant again - well, I was pregnant in April but lost that one - but I have been single mindedly determined through all of it.
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  #10  
September 30th, 2009, 04:15 PM
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Our Dr's told us to wait 3 months. We lost Katrina in August 2008 and by about October we were talking about starting to ttc in November 2008. I felt really guilty deep down because I felt as if I was dishonouring our sweet Katrina. I didn't want people to think we were trying to "replace" her because that's obviously not the case...she'll always be our first born. But I have been itching to be a mommy (to a living baby) for many, many years and I knew in order for that to happen, we would have to eventually start ttc.

Well ttc just got more and more upsetting every month we got a bfn. I started to get really depressed and our Dr. mentioned we could look into fertillity treatments. Luckily we didn't have to go that route and in June 2009 we finally got pregnant with Sweet Pea here!
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  #11  
September 30th, 2009, 07:57 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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I was thinking about TTC when I went in to be induced. I couldn't wait for my menses to return. We 'tried' when I noticed fertility signs. I hadn't gotten my period, but I was taking OPKs and checking my CM/CP. My LP was only 5 days. Cycle #3 was it for us. Found out about a week before DH deployed. I was obsessed with wanting to get pregnant before he left. The thought of having to wait 12 months to TTC was depressing. I really felt being pregnant again would give me something to focus on. I wanted my arms full around the time he was due, which was December. Duncan was 'due' on the 21st and Henry is 'due' on the 27th.

It felt right to TTC ASAP. I never felt like trying so soon after was because I wanted to 'replace' him. He can never be replaced. It was my hope a new pregnancy and new baby would help heal my heart. I know I'll never be fully healed or whole again, but the pain has lessened and this pregnancy has given me something to look forward to. My anxiety is up and there are days I still think if I have him, not when. That sucks. I just have to take it one day at a time.
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