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Hi Mommies...I wanted to stop in while I'm able to and say hi! I'm sorry for not being here, but JM has been very difficult to come back to. As Meghan can testify, watching your DDC come and go is HARD...and it's the second one that I've been in that I couldn't stay in.
I am so pleased that we have so many rainbow babies coming! And it couldn't happen to nicer women!! One day the rest of us who want to be there will be holding ours too.
My question for you all...how are your pregnancies helping your grief? I know that after losing my sons NO pregnancy will ever feel comfortable...but are you able to breathe?
I'm well on most days, and hoping that we have another little one soon. I hope. I pray. But I'm terrified.
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
Has it been helping with the grief? I'm not sure. On one aspect I feel happier because this baby is coming, that we may finally get to bring home a baby. But.... it's also been tremendously hard, even just so far. Since I'm still really early I've been struggling with the memories of my ectopic. I had a complete mental breakdown last week, because I started bleeding, just like the ectopic, and I had to go in for an emergency ultrasound just to calm me down. This has been really terrifying. And I know when I hit the third trimester it's going to make me re-live a lot of what happened with Devin, and that is going to be very very trying.
But, yes, I have days where I'm able to breathe... days where I feel good, positive. I'm not sure Den does, though. He's a lot more scared than I am.
This is also hard for me because I have to face issues that I didn't before... the whole second baby/older son thing. Answering the "is this your first?" question is very rough, because I'm never sure what I should say, do I want to explain to some stranger? and then just the further sadness of this is my second baby, I should have an older son, this should be completing my family, but it still feels empty. we're not sure if we're even going to be able to get pregnant again after this, this child may be the only living child we ever get. and that about kills me, because I always wanted two, and I should HAVE two.
Having done it twice, and brought home the babies both times....I have no idea how I survived my pregnancies. I had good days, and bad ones, like Nat talked about. Days when I just was constantly repeating "it's okay right now. As far as I know, it's okay right now. It's okay right now."
I know that bringing the baby home helped the grief on one level, but made it harder in others. Babies bring such joy, that as much as it hurts to see what you've lost, there's such happiness too.
Good to see you on here, Heather...even if it's only for a short time.
I figure the best way to stay sane with this pregnancy is to just stay positive. There's no reason for me to worry for no reason when I can just cherish every moment and be as happy as possible . That doesn't mean to say that I'm not scared, because I am terrified and when I do start to worry about things, I unfortunately take it to the extreme and think the most awful things.
I thought getting pregnant would help with my grief and I think in a way it has, but it also adds onto that grief because it makes me sad that I don't have Katrina here with us. BUT I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason, and I believe there's a reason I'm pregnant again with Sweet Pea and I think carrying him/her HAS and IS helping me look forward to the future. I may only be 16 weeks, but I really do have a wonderful feeling about this pregnancy and I CAN see us bringing Sweet Pea home with us in March 2010!!!
I know when we bring baby Sweet Pea home with us I will be beyond ecstatic and I will never, ever take a single second for granted...but it will also make me realize more what we really lost when we lost Katrina.
Last edited by LaLaLa1; October 4th, 2009 at 12:17 AM.
im like brittanie i have gone through bringing a baby home after a loss and i can honsetly say that i really dont know how on earth i got throu her pregnancy i never knew what being scared felt like well true scary anyway than being pregnant with keeley, yeah i have somewhat great days but i have bad days too even after 4.5 years and the grief is so bad on them days.
JM is a very difficult place to be sometimes. I find it emotionally draining some days, emotionally supportive others. But I totally understand peoples' need to stay away from it for a while; we <3 you either way
I think that this pregnancy is helping me cope with the grief because in a way, I feel like Noah sent this rainbow baby to us because she can do the work here on Earth that he was just needed for in Heaven. Deep down, I have always felt that he was just not meant to be here with us and instead, was meant to be an Angel. At least this is what helps me get through the rough days. I am honored that I got to spend 7 months with him during the pregnancy, but this time around, I am cherishing these pregnancy months that much more and take absolutely nothing for granted.
However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified. Every single time I have a doctor's appointment, I can't sleep the night before. I have a headache the entire day. I sit in the waiting room bracing myself. It's gotten to the point that I even practice what my reaction will be if I receive the same horrible news like I did last year about Noah. But as it was mentioned by Steph here --- different baby, different pregnancy. I often remind myself of that
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*