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Yesterday I went in to my OB for my regular prenatal checkup, 2 weeks after my thyroid removal...After waiting for over an hour for the doctor to be done with a c-section he came in real fast before he had to rush to another c-section...It was the first appointment that I Took my son to, he was really restless and sick of waiting, but he got excited when the doctor started to look for the heartbeat...There were other sounds, but not the baby and my son kept saying it was the baby....I knew it wasn't...After my doctor frantically tried to find the heatbeat over and over again, all over the place, he ran out to get his small ultrasound machine...He was really quiet, didn't say anything...Then he said "I don't see the heartbeating"...I sat up really quickly, not knowing what to do, I wanted to jump off the table and run out of the office, I was in shock, but I knew what I suspected for awhile now was true...He got called to the hospital and had to rush out and said the nurse was going to call for me to get a better ultrasound right away...I sat in the room trying to call someone, anyone, but I couldn't get anyone on the phone...She came back with my paperwork, I had to wait over an hour to for my appointment...So I went home to find a package that I had ordered, it was a tiny little pink t'shirt that said "baby sister" on it for her...I was so upset I didn't know what to do, I kept myself busy around the house etc...My sister came over and we picked up my mom and drove to the ultrasound clinic...It was so hard sitting in the waiting room, someone came in with a newborn, about a week old...They called me back, I laid on the table and she started the ultrasound...It looked funny, not like it had 2 or so weeks ago...She stopped at something that was a circle, not moving and the lines across the screen were straight not moving, she was gone and I broke down...I just wanted to be alone, so my mom left while the radiologist left the room to call my doctor and make sure that was everything they needed...I went into the bathroom and bawled, I didn't know what to do....I then was told to go straight to my doctor's office...I walked in to a waiting room full of pregnant woman and babies, crying un controlably, everyone was looking at me...The nurse saw me standing there and said I didn't have to check in, to sit down for a minute and she'd come right back and get me...It seemed like forever, but I don't even think it was a minute and she rushed me back to a room...I wanted to be alone, so I had my mom and sister stay in the waiting room...I sat down and right away my doctor came in and said how sorry he was...It's really blurry, but he told me that this happens and it can't be explained, he said that no matter what I think, it had nothing to do with my surgery or any medications I had taken, I of course think other wise, that's the first thing that came to my mind...The baby was about the same size as she was at my 19 week and 1 day ultrasound on the 21st of September, 2 days before my surgery...He said that after a baby passes away that they shrink so they can't tell...He told me that I can be induced anytime, he explained to me what they are going to do...He was leaving out town today, and tomorrow is my daughter's birthday, Sunday her party and he won't be back till Tuesday...I said I wanted to wait till Monday...So Monday night I'm going in to the childbirth center to be induced over night and she will probably be born Tuesday at some point...He said there's no way telling, but since I'm only 21 weeks (22 on Monday) that it might take longer then if I had been full term...I'm so angry, and mad and sad, I have all these feelings that I can't explain...I loved my baby so very very much, I still love her and I want her and only her...I don't want to go on and have another baby, she's the only one I want...I feel like it's not fair that the world is still going on, and I feel like it's all crashed down and it's never going to be the same again...I feel like no one knows how much I'm hurting because no one loved her as much as I do...Now I have this pregnant belly, and I don't want it to go away, I don't want her to come out in October, I want her born in February like she's supposed to....I want to hold her and listen to her cry, and see her beautiful face...I probably won't even know what color hair she would of had, or what color eyes...This is something I'm always going to wonder...I'm sitting here in a room full of baby girl things, and I don't know what to do...I thought about packing them up, taking them back to the store, but I just don't know what to do...I want them to be her's, I want her to be wrapped up in her soft blankets and wear her little clothes and hats...I don't want the stores to have it back, and I don't want them to be packed away in a box to be forgotten...I bought them for her and her only...I feel like she saved my life, I don't know how long my cancer would of gone on if it weren't for her coming into my life...But I couldn't save her life, and that's not fair...A friend told me that there's a reason, that she probably was here to save my life, and that's great, but WHY couldn't I have her too? what did I do wrong to have her taken away from me....I don't think I've ever cried as much as I've cried since yesterday, and I feel like it's never going to stop...I have all these emotions and feelings, and I feel so alone...I know that after Tuesday, when she's born and taken from me, I'm going to feel so empty and I just can't imagine going on living....I also don't want to be posting on a stillborn group, I want to be able to post on my DDC with everyone else who has their babies (no offense to anyone)....I just wish there was a way to turn back time, I would have never gotten my surgery...I don't think 4 more months would of killed me, but I'm sure that having that surgery killed my little baby girl.
I'm sorry that you have to go this, especially with your daughter's birthday and party happening. I'm so sorry.
I wish I could say something that would give you all the answers you need...but I don't have them for myself. I hate that we will always wonder why.
All I can do is offer virtual hugs, and a shoulder to cry on. Let yourself feel what you feel, but don't think it's wrong if you don't feel anything. Sometimes you just have to be emotionally numb (like physical pain that makes you pass out).
i hate that were all here going throu this unimaginable pain and loss,i hate that theres nothing i can do to help, i hate it im so sorry hun i will be keeping you in my thoughts over the next few days as you deliver your darling angel daughter
I am so so sorry for your loss. Reading your post brought all these painful memories for me. I miss my son so very much, and I also only want him, not another baby. Since he was born perfectly healthy I am starting to blame myself for his death, for not letting myself to rest enough, for going on a trip close to his due date, for eating some junk food, for doing heavy housework. I can go on and on but that won't bring him back.
I will be keeping you in thoughts for the next few days, and hope you labor won't be as painful. Come here and talk to us anytime, this board has been an incredible source of support through the difficult times.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your post reminded me of when I lost my son, I had those very same thoughts, it is so hard in the first days. We'll all be with you in spirit on Monday. They told me my induction would take 72 hours but it only took 17, maybe yours will be short too.
I am so sorry that you have to join us and go through this.... It just isn't fair that any of us have to say goodbye to our little ones. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I feel the same way you do about wanting your little girl with you. I want my Evan here everyday in my arms, I want to hold him and hear him cry also. He was with my for 40 weeks and 1 day and then he was taken away from me in a single heartbeat. I ask everyday why
If you ever need anything I am here to talk or just to listen.