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Forum: Stillbirth


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October 9th, 2009, 12:17 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
Can I get some advice on planning a funeral for my baby?...I asked my sister today to do some calling around for me...This is something I don't think any parent should have to do is plan to bury their child, it's horrible...I don't even know what to do first, do I start to plan before she's born, or do I wait till after? Will I have to tell the hospital what where to send her body, or do they do it for me? I do know what poem I want at the funeral, and that's about it.

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we do love you.

also, what do you guys think about older children seeing the baby after she's born? My older children are 10,9,6, and 3...I don't know who else to ask because no one that I know has gone threw this.
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009

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October 9th, 2009, 12:24 PM
Posts: n/a
I can't help with the funeral arrangments...we had our son cremated and didn't have a service or anything. There was a bereavement counselor at the hospital though that called around to funeral homes and crematories for us and knew about the ones that had free services and other specials for stillborn babies.

As for your children seeing her after she is born, that is a personal decision. I did have my 21 month old daughter come in and take pictures with my stillborn son and she gave him kisses. I think your kids maybe are old enough to ask them what they want to do.

I'm sorry sweetie, like you said, no parent should have to plan their child's funeral, it is horrible.
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October 9th, 2009, 12:36 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,687
I had the funeral for my son at the chapel on the base where I am stationed. We are Catholic, so the chaplin did a Resurrection Mass for him. We also had a wake, not with a viewing, just his little casket which was closed. I made my own because the one the funeral would use was much to big for him. It also gave me somethign to focus on and it was something that he could use that i made for him, like I made blankets for all of my other children.

At the wake, my uncle spoke. He is a pastor at my mom's church, they are not Catholic, but his sermon was great. There were probably about 60 people there, which was more than the actual funeral service because it was in the evening. All of my brothers' friends came. Both of them were in Iraq and couldn't be there, so their 'boyos' came for them.

When I get home I will attach the pictures so you can see.

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
Sail Back to Me
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October 9th, 2009, 12:47 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
My sister just called me...She called the hospital to ask where we begin...They told her that someone will come in and take photos, and they have information on everything else and they will go over it with me...They also told my sister what funeral home to call, and she will do that for me...She also said that her FIL can do the service, but i'm not sure about that yet...I was thinking of asking the minister who married me and my husband, but I haven't been in contact with him or his wife in years...I have so much to think about, but it's helping knowing that i'm going to be able to put her to rest...I just wish that I was going to be bringing her home with me instead.
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009

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October 9th, 2009, 01:01 PM
Posts: n/a
I'm so glad that you have a wonderful sister who is helping you with all of this.
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October 9th, 2009, 01:15 PM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,717
We didn't have a funeral or service. We had him cremated. We just weren't just what to do in terms of a service. We wanted to do something private just between us. Some day we will. Not sure when/if we we'll release his cremains.
Aeon, mama to Grace, 12/04; Evangeline, 11/06; Duncan, 11/08 ; Henry, 12/09; and Ruby, 11/14.

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October 9th, 2009, 01:46 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,687
The service wa sactually decided by my brothers' friends. We didn't know what we were going to do and my brother had made a facebook status that said he was sad because it seemed like eveyrtime he deployed someone important to him died and he was not able to be there for the service. One of his friends said something along the lines of him to not worry about it because all the guys would be there for him. It was touching to know that they saw value in my son's life. And if THEY thought he should have a service, then it seemed like the right thing to do.

Originally it was going to be just 'us' and a small thing, but then so many people wanted to be there for us, how could we say no? People from my mom's work even came. There was more than one woman that came to me and spoke of her own loss many years ago, and how much she wished she had the opportunity to have a service. Most of the women that had losses many years ago didn't even get to see or hold their babies and it made it even harder for them.

I am glad now that they wanted the sercie because it helped us too.

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
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October 9th, 2009, 02:38 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 32.918289,-97.272266
Posts: 1,758
We didn't have a funeral for Noah as we simply felt it wasn't appropriate. We didn't know him, nobody knew him except his twin sister and that's only because they shared such close proximity for 7 months. We decided to have him cremated instead and his remains are now at home with us.

The hospital Chaplain came to meet with us while I was still in the hospital. She gave us a list of funeral homes in the area that would assist with the cremation. I was completely out of my head, so DH took over (and I thank my lucky stars for that one) and just chose a funeral home that was close to the hospital where the twins were delivered.

When I was released from the hospital after my C-section, we met with two of the hospital Chaplains and had a very small prayer at the hospital's Chapel. To this day, I couldn't tell you what was said because I was crying so hard. We were new to the area, we weren't members of any church, our families were 1700 miles away from us; we felt what we did for Noah was appropriate.

I am so very sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to buy his / her child

Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).

*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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October 9th, 2009, 03:33 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,687
Here is the link to the pictures of his little casket. We bought the box at Michael's and decorated it. THen he was creamted in the box. We have his cremains with us since we don't know where we will live in 10 years.

B C on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

You can also see pictures from the 'viewing' at the funeral home.

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
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October 9th, 2009, 04:17 PM
littlebeansmommy's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 695
We had our Pastor help with ours. He recommended a good funeral home to use and went with us after our DS was born to put together the obituary and the service. We were able to give them an outfit and blanket and anything else we wanted in the casket. We had maybe 25 people come, family and friends, more out of support for us, rather than knowing the baby.

My living DS was 20 months old when I had my stillbirth. He did not come to the hospital to see his brother, although sometimes I wish we had done that, just for the pictures. We did have my parents bring him to the funeral home before the calling hours started so that we could privately introduce him to his brother, even if it was for such a brief time. My DH and I wanted the memory of all of us being together as a family one last time. After that, we had the funeral director close the casket, it was a personal decision, that we wanted friends and family to think of our DS as the perfect child he is in heaven, not how he looked in his earthly body.

It's tough. And you're right, no one should ever have to do this.
DS #1:

My precious angel DS#2:

My rainbow DS#3:

My Princess #4:
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October 9th, 2009, 06:17 PM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517
We also did not have a service, we had our son cremated and we have his ashes at home in an urn with all of our statues, candles, pics, etc. Another thing we did was that we both got rings that have a hollowed area that hold a portion of his ashes so we can always have him with us.

As far as your children go, I think that's something I would both ask them and see how you feel after the birth. You may want to see your daughter first and decide if you think your children could handle it. My boys were 5 and 7 at the time, we chose to not have them see their brother. We have pics and when we feel it's appropriate, they can see him.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my perfect siggy Follow us on Facebook

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October 9th, 2009, 07:48 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
Our priest came to us in the hospital when Joey was born. my dad wanted to do SOMETHING...you know everyone feels so helpless but they just want to take care of you and do anything they can. So my dad took care of calling our priest when we found out joey's heart had stopped then he called again when joey was born. he said a little prayer in the hospital and just told us that we could do whatever we wanted...."There is no game plan for something like this" is what he told us. And now thats what I tell everyone...just do whatever feels right.

Joey was born the day before Palm Sunday, his funeral was Holy Thursday. In 2010, his birthday will be on Easter...talk about full circle symbolism as it will be a new year in which we will be preparing for another new baby. So the whole Easter thing just reminded me that he's my son, I love him, our family loves him and we all deserve a little service if thats what we want. But due to not wanting to see anyone and our HUGE family, our funeral was just us, dh's brothers and our parents. Our grandparents and Godparents didn't even come...and we did it when ds1 was in school. Jamie came to the hospital to see Joey, but we thought the funeral might be too much with the grave etc. We left the casket open and although death used to freak me out, I was standing there touching him the entire time. I had to leave when they closed the casket, I just couldn't watch that box close on my little boy.

He was born April 4 and we finally had a service for him for the reast of the family on May 30. I spoke at the beginning and I picked all the readings and music. DH and Jamie's godfather (dh's brother) did the readings, and my other bil did the prayer of the faithful. It was a full mass and we had over 100people come. Even one of our high school teachers.

It was so sad...but I'm so glad we did things the way we did. I also made a scrapbook of pregnancy pictures and pictures from the hospital on display. One lady who was on the committee who did a little reception after our mass kept thanking me for having that mass that day...apparently her little granddaughter was stillborn also several years back, and the little girls dad was in the hospital that weekend so it was just a wonderful opportunity to pray...its like joey met up wtih this little girl in heaven and arranged the whole thing! I love when things *work* like that.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you are going through this mama...its the wrong way of doing things, to have a parent bury a child...but lean on your family....allow yourself to just BE. We will do whatever we can to help you.
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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October 9th, 2009, 09:10 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,842
We did not have a service for my son until much later and he was cremated so I don't have much to add, I just wanted to say

Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!

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October 9th, 2009, 09:25 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I don't really have much to add either. We had no family on either side in the state, and since we were just going to move in a couple years after DH graduated, I couldn't handle the idea of having her buried just to leave her behind. So we had her cremated. We ended up spreading her ashes at Jenny Lake (Grand Teton National Park, WY). My sister and DH's sister both came up to visit and we went camping and were there when we spread her ashes. No words were said, and Kim and Adrienne stayed on the bank while we waded out.

As far as deciding on a funeral home, etc, my bishop made all our phone calls and the hospital contacted the one he suggested we go with. A rep from the funeral home came personally to pick up her body, and came into the room and talked to us for a few minutes and had us sign the paperwork that we needed to sign.

I'm so sorry that you have to think about this.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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October 9th, 2009, 09:52 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
Jon and I decided to have a funeral for Katrina. It was really going to just be a small service with only Jon, me, our parents, our siblings and our 2 nieces. We were amazed that a few days before, more of our extended family, many of our friends and co-workers asked if they would be able to come as well. So needless to say, we were very touched by that.

As for planning, it was THE most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Jon and I went in with his parents to talk to the funeral director. I was in way too much shock still to even think properly, so I let them make most of the decisions for me and then when I went home and I could take my time at home, I reviewed everything and if I didn't like something, I told Jon we had to change it.

The hospital gave us a form at the hospital which told us whether we wanted an autopsy or not and then we had to tell them which funeral home the body would go to. We then had to discuss with the funeral home whether we wanted Katrina cremated or just buried. We opted with cremation, so we could bury some of her ashes and we could bring some home with us.

Her funeral didn't have a minister or chaplain (we actually wanted the chaplain who visited us in the hospital, but he was away that week of the funeral). So we made a cd with some music to play in the background and then Jon did the majority of speaking, his sister sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow (b/c we saw a huge rainbow on the day Katrina was born), and my mom, my sister, and Jon's dad all spoke.

There were a lot of tears that day for our beautiful baby that no one even had the opportunity to even get to know and it showed just how much of an amazing impact a little tiny baby has on so many people.

I think it's totally up to you whether you'd like your other children to meet their younger sister. I didn't have any other children at the time, so we didn't have to worry about that part. My sister and her husband decided they wanted their 2 girls to meet their baby cousin Katrina (they were 4 and 2 at the time), and in the end I think it was the right choice. They weren't scared or anything and the older one talks about Katrina and draws pictures for her nowadays. The younger one was too young to understand.

btw, that poem is beautiful and I'm so sorry you have to be going through this.

Last edited by LaLaLa1; October 9th, 2009 at 10:20 PM.
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October 10th, 2009, 06:36 PM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 213
We decided to have our son cremated. We felt maybe if he had lived longer and died then we would consider a funeral. I couldn't even think stright let a lone try and deal with funeral or cremation arangements. The hospital had a social worker who came and talked to us and had a list of funeral homes and phone numbers. We passed this along to my Mother-in-law and she made the arrangements for us. I did go to the funeral home and sign paperwork and pick out an urn. I was a complete mess! I am so sorry you have to go through this. This is the hardest thing a Mother could possibly do!
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