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I will be 34 weeks Tuesday and I have an appointment then for the NST and BPP. That is also the effective date for our insurance (FINALLLLLLLLLLY). It is freaking embarassing but I think I am depressed. I'm sure some of you read about my marriage problems in my private post last week. I am having major mood swings (I don't try to act moody, but I will be feeling okay then suddenly DH says something that is just SO DUMB without thinking and I am depressed for the next 12 hours, with no appetite, no sleep and I feel "high" on sadness, frustration). Plus all the mixed emotions because we are going to start marriage counseling but the waiting is driving me NUTS-I need to vent and I need someone to help us, etc. NOW! Plus the whole fact that my husband's problems "escalated" after we had Roald and then again after we found out in July something MIGHT be wrong with Vera I feel like just really messed up emotions. It's almost like what, does he want me to hate Roald? Did he think doing all this crap to me (like I was never going to find out and honestly I knew something was going on just not exactly what) after we lost our baby was going to somehow not have a major messed up effect on me?
It's like...not only do I feel like I failed Roald, myself and my DH to begin with...But because "we" (more like my body) lost Roald that "drove" DH over the edge to do this crap? How does he think I feel? Did he think doing that crap at that time and then again with the Vera situation was not going to make me feel like even more of a worthless failure? ***?
I'm having an angry night because of a dumb seemigly unrelated comment DH made (stepson wanted to go drive around and look at the mansions in Hershey so he said "can we go drive and look at those houses we'll never have?" and DH replied "No, that's just depressing." Before we were married we both agreed we like things simple, etc. I guess maybe I am the only one who was honest then...I said to him "Why, because looking at things you can't have is depressing?" ugh), sorry for rambling on. Back to the original question. Is there anything they can do at this point in pregnancy for depression? I feel so depressed because of marriage situation, Roald's first birthday coming up, everyone is so far away and NEVER comes to see me, I am home alone all the time with no license and no car, I am scared to death for this baby, anxious. Plus I am so mad because of what DH has been doing I feel ashamed that this baby is his. I told him it feels like I was so wrapped up in having a baby again and now we are going to have her right in the middle of our problems. I told him it has sucked all of the joy out of it. He won't ever know how it feels to feel that way after miscarrying your first baby and having a stillborn baby the second time around. Then find out your spouse is not the person they always professed to be (apparently according to professionals Bill is a "self-righteous sex addict"-there are two main kinds I was told. His kind lives a double life of sorts where there is a moral dilemna meaning they hate the side of them that is a sex addict and try desperately to live what they consider a moral life and eventually when the problem spirals out of control anything remotely sexual about the moral part of their life will stop completely because they do not want to dirty it. He pretty much concurred and said he wants to be the person who loves me and is good to me but that he is just a sick puppy who has had problems for years and was not honest with me before marriage because he was afraid he would lose me).
I am sooo scared of post-patrum depression too. Hopefully when counseling does start things will inch their way to better. I must admit tonight is a bad night for me. I'm really embarassed to bring this up with our OB but at my next regular appt. I am seeing the doctor who delivered Roald and I really like him. I think I am going to explain the situation to him and see what he suggests. Did anybody ever have depression during pregnancy and/or postpartum depression? I am soooo not looking forward to Roald's birthday. I feel like his birthday will always be tied to feelings about my husband being such a liar. It makes me so bitter that he has "soiled" Roald's memory and birthday. That's all I really have left of Roald and he has now made that even harder for me to deal with.