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Last night was my first night without Ella, and today will be my first full day without her...She's all I can think about...I feel so empty...My stomach doesn't even look like I was ever pregnant, it just feels so strange...I know I can't spend the whole day looking at her pictures and all her things, but that's what I want to do...I feel like I have to do this to keep her fresh in my mind...I don't want to forget any detail of her...I have this fear that I will start to forget...I don't want to miss the smells, or the feel of her skin...When I was in the hospital I remember just looking around constantly, just trying to remember everything...Will this feeling ever go away? I know that i'm always going to remember her, but I don't want to obsess over it and have it consume the rest of my life because I do have other children to think of...Today is also our 10 year wedding anniversary, but it's so hard to be happy about that because I just keep thinking about Ella...I haven't even been able to change my siggy here or in my emails, I just can't do it yet.
Take as much time as you need hon. The first few days after I lost Eli I spent so much time looking at his pictures and the things in the remembrance box from the hospital and spending time in his nursery. It's been almost 7 weeks for me and I still think about him almost constantly. It's not something you get over, it's something you get through, with lots of time. Hugs.
You will never forget, but the obsessive behaviors will fade. But don't let anyone tell you when they "should" or what you "should" do with her things and such. Spend as much time as you need to and want to.
I spent the first days after I lost Colm making his burial box. We boguht the ABC block at Michael's and painted it, the kids helped decorate it. We made cards and they drew pictures to put in with him. We ultimately had him cremated, in his box we made. I have an identical box to keep all of our memories in that I will one day finish painting.
I spent a lot of time looking at his pictures, crying, looking at his pictures, crying...etc.
I did a lot of busy work type things. Made the plans for his service, set up his wake, etc. It isn't easy. It really sucks. I hated every minute of it, but I am happy we did it.
When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me
I'm grateful, in a way, that I didn't have any other children to care for at the time. We printed out her picture and I would lay in bed staring at it. I had hard time as the memory started to fade. I hated forgetting the smell, the feel of her in my arms.
It gets easier to accept as time goes on. The burden is easier to carry. It never goes away completely, and you have moments where you go back but it gets easier to breathe as time goes by.
a woman called me today from the mother baby center...The hospital called her and talked to her about me...She was very nice and even wanted to come over, I declined because i'm not ready for that...She said that she's going to call me again next week....it was really nice talking about things and she said that it sounds like i'm doing alot of the right things to help myself...She said that she wants to start me in a support group that's just getting put together in town...Is anyone part of a group? I might go, but i'm also thinking it might be too soon, and i'm not sure how i'm going to feel in a group of people...My son just left, so I have a few hours of alone time before my daughter gets home...I am also going out to dinner with my husband tonight for our anniversary...I think it's going to do us some good.
I went to a SHARE support group meeting 3 days after I lost Eli and it was good to be able to talk to others who have had a similar experience but I felt like I was really in a different place than they were. I say just see if you are up to it that day and if you think you are, go for it, if not, don't.
Happy 10 years to you and your DH!
Oh yeah the first couple weeks I was sooo obsessed with my memory box. I think that is totally normal and I also think it is something you need to do. I know having other children can make it more difficult to find the time but it is very important to grieve now. Especially since this is the time when family, friends and even strangers will expect you to grieve and be there for you. But if you don't take the time to fully grieve all you need to now months or a year from now when you can't take it anymore and burst people ill not be as supportive as now. For us, people stopped caring so much and went on with their lives a month after he was gone. But I was a basketcase for the first 2 months.
I would totally try to muster up all you can to enjoy your anniversary though. 11 days after we had Roald was the 2 year anniversary of us being together (not our wedding anniversary though) and I know I forgot until the day after. I don't know if even he remembered. But it is definitely important to try to feel close to him now...you two are the only people who will feel the loss the deepest. I was the only person Bill would talk to about it after we lost Roald and I am still the only person he will talk to about it. So I always try to be there for him if he needs me that way.
It's still very new for you and I think if you want to look at her pictures all day, then do it. You need to find your own way to grieve. My birthday and our wedding anniversary was just days after we lost Katrina and yea, it was very difficult to celebrate either of them. We actually went to a pregnancy loss support group on my birthday...fun way to spend my birthday!
I remember looking at my stomach and sometimes rubbing it and then HAVING to remember she wasn't in there anymore. It was very difficult.