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I guess it started yesterday...It was just a dark, rainy, gloomy day...I find myself not knowing what to do with myself...I don't feel like doing housework, I don't feel like watching tv or going on the computer etc...I just sit around feeling misrable...Yesterday was my nieces babyshower, and my whole family went...I let my mom take my older girls only because I had promised them weeks ago I would take them (they've never been to any kind of shower)...So I stayed home and felt down because I knew they were all having fun and celebrating her having a baby, and i'm sure I was forgotten about...My mom dropped the kids off, but never came in to even say Hi or anything...She also hasn't called me all day, and we usually talk a few times a day on the phone...My son was invited to a birthday party today, so we went to the mall to get a present and thinking it would get our mind off of things...I spent my whole time just hating everyone and everything...Everything I look at reminds me of something that makes me think of Ella and everything that's happend...I'm also going to the doctor about my thyroid tomorrow...It's my first appointment since having my thyroid removed...I know now that i'm not pregnant they are going to want me to do the radioactive treatment soon probably...Well if I get that done, I can't get pregnant for another year! I don't want to wait a year...It's going to kill me to wait that long...I'm of course not thinking of getting pregnant now, but I was hoping in a few months...It took me a year to talk my husband into another baby and then 3 months to get pregnant...I wanted to have my kids somewhat close in age, and if I wait another year to even start trying my son would be at least 5 1/2 before I have another baby...I'm just so mad and angry and pissed off that I had to have this stupid cancer while pregnant, and I don't want to go into that office and explain everything that happend...I'm also not calling my mom to watch my son because i'm so mad and feel forgotten, so I have to make it threw this appointment with him with me...I haven't looked at Ella's things since friday evening, but i've been thinking about her all day today and I have all her things laid out on my bed right now...I was hoping it would help me feel better, but it's just making me more mad...I don't know why i'm so angry and mad because i'm not that kind of a person...I also at least need to go drop off paperwork at the funeral home tomorrow, and I have to make an appointment with my OB for next week...I don't want to do any of that...Thanks for letting me vent, I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one that understands...I feel like people think I should already be fine and dandy and I just want to scream at them that it's only been 4 days since I lost my baby...I just wish people would understand more.
and to make matters worse....My milk came in today ...I was hoping that I would get lucky and skip it since I Hadn't had any kind of leaking or anything this pregnancy yet.
I was really angry at first too...it's just a natural emotion that you have to let yourself feel. It's part of the healing process....at least it was for me.
I hated when my milk came in but I also hated when it dried up, it really sucks. Just wear a really tight sports bra and don't stimulate them at all, that's supposed to help it go away quicker.
I'm so sorry that you feel forgotten, that's the one thing that I was really afraid of so I let both my mom and my MIL know that I had a big fear of people forgetting and not talking about Eli anymore. I'm hoping that since I let them know how important it is to me for him to not be forgotten that they will not forget. We'll see.
I'm can't believe you have to deal with cancer on top of all of this. Hugs honey.
This is exactly how I felt the first couple of days. Feeling completely depressed, not wanting to do anything, hating my life. My daughter was the only reason that forced me to do things in the first couple of days. You have children so you won't have any other choice but to move on and live for them. It will take some time, but you'll get there. I also felt that people close to me forgot about Eric very quickly, I still feel the same way, and it makes me very angry. I've come to realize that people that haven't experienced this will never understand us or feel our pain.
My OB prescribed me some pills that stop milk from coming. They worked well, so I had no issues with that.
I'm sorry for what you have to go through. Hugs.
I was so very angry for a long time. Then it got better, but recently again I am angry. I hate what my life is right now. I hate that I have a dead baby. I just hate it. And it makes me so friggin angry. I pretend I am okay and dealing with it, but really nothing is okay.
Four days and you are supposed to be over it? Tell them to shove it, you will need much more than 4 days.
When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7 Sail Back to Me
I'm so sick of people asking how I am, and saying i'm fine...Yesterday someone asked me and I said that was doing awful...I'm sick of lying...I know they don't know what to say, but i'm not going to pretend anymore...I was reading something about TTC again after a stillbirth and it said something about wanting another baby, or wanting the baby back that you lost...I do want another baby, but I want Ella back, but I know that can't happen...Honestly i'm not sure if I can even TTC again...I'm just dreding this appointment i'm going to in a few minutes...I don't know if i'm OB contacted them and let them or if they are expecting me to still be pregnant.
I'm sorry honey. I still have days where I'm angry. Anger is a part of grief. You read about the stages of grief like you go from one to the other, and once you move on to another stage you're done with the previous one. I don't think that's true. I do believe I've gone on complete to acceptance of it, but I still bounce around depression and anger and such things.
As for the milk, take a decongestant. It's supposed to dry out your sinuses, but it'll do the same thing to your milk ducts. I didn't know that with Cora and could still express milk if I tried for several weeks. But when I stopped nursing Erin I did the decongestant thing (a dose or 2 a day for a few days) and it was gone in 3 days or so.
I'm so sorry honey. I hate that everyone else can just pretend it didn't happen and be fine with that. My family does that too. And since it's been 3 1/2 years for me, when I talk about her they act like there's something seriously wrong that I'm "still" not over it.