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Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
October 21st, 2009, 11:33 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was just talking to my mom on the phone...Basically reaching out for help in planning Ella's funeral...From the beginning my mom has been weird every time I bring it up...She even told me last week "Well your going to make it private right?"...Why should I make it private? she also made a comment and acted weird about the whole picture thing, when I told her how upset I was...I blew it off and haven't really brought it up since...Well just now I mentioned having a picture of her in a frame at the funeral, but I needed to talk to my husband about it...I know he is more sensitive to it than me...We she started to compare having a picture of Ella is the same as having an open casket, and it's not fair to people that come because they might not want to see it...That hurt me so bad...My baby was beautiful, not anything like an open casket, it's just a picture!...She also told me that no one will come to the funeral...Well I then lost it and started screaming, yelling and crying....How can she be so insensitive? she said "well you don't know how I'm feeling"...WHAT????? NO ONE IS FEELING AS HORRIBLE AS I AM, and it's not about anyone else...She was my baby, I'm the one that loved her the most, people should be thinking about me, not themselves...I'm usually not a selfish person, but right now I am feeling selfish...My mom said that I shouldn't act this way about people going on with their lives...It's only been a week since Ella was born...I feel like she was forgot about just a couple of days after her birth...I want to be able to talk about her, and I don't want them to pretend like she was never here because she's ALL I THINK ABOUT...I thought Family was supposed to be there for you, but I feel like no one is for me...So now I don't even think I'm going to have any kind of service...I don't want any of those people to have anything to do with my sweet baby...I seriously think I'm beginning to hate everyone.
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  #2  
October 21st, 2009, 11:49 AM
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I am so sorry that your family is not being supportive of you and letting you grieve how you need to grieve. You can feel however you need to feel, don't let anyone tell you any different. You do what you need to do, and that means talking about Ella and looking at her picture. She was and always will be your baby girl.
I tried to understand that other people (like my parents and in-laws) were grieving to but at first you just need to take care of yourself and let yourself grieve in whatever way you need to and feel whatever you are feeling as it comes.
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  #3  
October 21st, 2009, 12:57 PM
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It is sad but some of my posts here on board in the beginning were similar to yours. My mom used to say things with respect to Eric that I couldn't beleive she was capable of saying. She still does and I'm actually about to start a post about it.
It's your baby. You do what you need to do. Don't listen to anyone else, do what feels right for you. Hugs!
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  #4  
October 21st, 2009, 01:07 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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I'm so sorry honey. So very sorry. My mother has been great, but she's been through it, so she understands. I wouldn't NOT have her service because you're angry right now. A service gives you a great deal of closure, which is something you need (and something I wish I had been able to have. I regret not having one). However, if it would cause more stress than benefit...then don't have one. Like the other ladies said, you do what you need. Yes, you have every right to be selfish right now. I agree with you, your mother should be thinking about YOU, at very least when she's talking to you!

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  #5  
October 21st, 2009, 01:09 PM
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I'm so sorry you are experiencing ths type of insensitivity. my mom still does this...she doesn't call me on his angelversary each month (my mil does!) and when i try to talk about him she gets all mopey and changes the subject. she won't put a picture up in her house, not even the pic of me, dh, ds1 and ds2 where you can't even see ds2 at all you can just tell i'm holding a baby. Then she's actually had the nerve to express somewhere between anger and hurt at me for being pregnant pulling this "poor me its only been 6 months i feel like it was yesterday". I feel like yelling at her "it was MY baby that died and if I need to have another baby right now so that i can begin to heal that is MY business". I hate when people try to make situations like this about THEM.
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  #6  
October 21st, 2009, 01:23 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you all for the support...My sister called me and we had a good talk...She said she would help me plan the service etc...It was nice to get my feelings out in the open...That's another thing that my mom acted weird about, when I told her about my meeting with my thyroid doctor and me wanting to eventually have another baby....When I was TTC I never told anyone...Everyone in my family thinks that my pregnancy was unplanned (not that it should matter), but I don't think they realize how much I wanted my baby girl, and I've wanted her for the last 2 years, and how much it hurts that I don't have her...I of course know that she is not replaceable, and another baby will never take her place, but I do know that it would help me eventually.
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  #7  
October 21st, 2009, 07:51 PM
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You NEED to do what is beest for you and your family rightnow and screw everyone else.

We had a service for Colm, and I am glad we did. We did the main service in teh style of a wake at teh funeral home, yes it was closed casket. HE was my child and I felt it was what we needed to do. And guess what? People showed up, lots and lots of people. Two of my brothers couldn't be there because they were in Iraq, and THEIR friends came to be there for us. Just because your mom thinks it is weird, doesn't mean it isn't right. Just because SHE doesn't think people will come does not mean they won't. I know that people wanted to be there to help us with the grieving process and they showed up. I don't know if posting the time of the service on facebook helped or not, but it may have..lol.

We didn't do much for Colm's service. My uncle came and spoke and then we prayed and talked, etc. We ended up going out to eat afterwards, we always end up going to eat, it is what we 'do', you know? The next day we had a mass for him. Our pastor did a Resurrection Mass because he said that Colm went straight to Heaven so in our faith you don't do a regular funeral mass. I liked that better anyway, it celebrated his little life instead of mourning it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I wanted you to know that people do, and in my opinion should have what ever type of service or ceremony they need to. You are right it is NOT about them, it is about you, and they should take care of you and make things easier for you.
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  #8  
October 21st, 2009, 08:48 PM
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I'm so sorry your family's not being very supportive The worst feeling is thinking / knowing that no one is there to support you through such a difficult loss. That's why I'm so happy I found this board.

I hope you do go ahead with the service because having a funeral for Katrina really gave me some sort of closure. I was really angry with people (more friends, not family) after we lost Katrina and I was thinking how I didn't really want them to be there because they didn't seem to really care, but in the end, a lot of our friends did show up and it was on their own terms...I didn't ask them. And whether anyone comes or not to Ella's funeral, at least you can still feel as if you, yourself is getting some sort of closure by holding one.
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  #9  
October 21st, 2009, 09:01 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow I'm so sorry your mom is being selfish at a time like this. I'm sorry, but YOU are the one who lost a baby, it's what YOU want that matters. After Devin died I was finally able to understand funerals... they are for the grieving. They are for US to celebrate our children, our lost babies, our lost hopes. Tough if people don't want to see a picture. Too bad. It's a funeral. it's for YOU. And they ought to be respectful enough to give you the support you need right now.

I mean, it's only been a week. Not a one of us was very functional at one week, and I think we all were feeling very selfish. You NEED to be about you right now,b ecause honestly, right now it's all you can mentally afford to deal with.

My mother was very supportive, but at the same time I was very glad she lived far away because she fell apart too and I knew I absolutely could not have handled her grief and mine for that first month. I almost had to shut her out and hope that she found support with her friends and network, because I just couldn't focus on anyone but me and my husband.

Grief is like that. You do what you have to do to get through to the next day. It's all we can do.
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  #10  
October 21st, 2009, 09:09 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I just want to thank you all for putting up with me and my million posts lately...I just need a place to talk, even if no one responds it makes me feel better to post somewhere...I talked to my husband and we still are going to do a service for Ella, we both want to...My oldest daughter wants to write and read a poem for her sister too (she's a very good writer)...My husband and daughter brought me home flowers tonight because I had such a bad day...It's amazing that such a horrible thing has brought me and my husband closer together...I was worried that he wouldn't be supportive of me at all during this time, but he's been the most supportive.
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  #11  
October 21st, 2009, 09:10 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I may not have time to respond to all of them, but I'm thinking about you. We all understand where you're at in the process... and we're so glad we can be here to help you.
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  #12  
October 21st, 2009, 10:24 PM
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I think the service sounds beautiful. How wonderful for your DD to have such an outlet to write something for her sister, sometimes that is the best grief therapy one can find. I hope it brings at least some sort of peace and comfort, no matter how small.
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  #13  
October 22nd, 2009, 08:55 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Talking about things can be a great therapy. I'm glad we could give you that safe place.

It's going to be beautiful.
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  #14  
October 22nd, 2009, 09:55 AM
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I am so sorry that you are going through this!! You have every right to feel the way that you do. You lost a child, YOUR child, and you have EVERY right to grieve, cry, scream, and celebrate your daughters life! I was privileged enough to see pictures of your beautiful Ella, and I thought she was adorable! A picture is not like having an open casket. If people don't want to look at her pictures, then they shouldn't be at her service in the first place. Most people are either ignorant, or just plain scared and they have no idea how to handle their emotions, which is no excuse. This is the hardest thing you will EVER go through, and your family should be there to support one another- no matter how different their grieving process is. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts, and again, I am so sorry.
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  #15  
October 22nd, 2009, 10:15 AM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If anyone gives you trouble about having a service ask them what they would do if one of their children died, ask them if their child is important even to remember. There was one person who said to me, "It was a nice service, not something I would have done though." I wish I had thought at the time to ask them what they would do if their own child had died.
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  #16  
October 22nd, 2009, 10:19 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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what a horrible thing to say
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  #17  
October 22nd, 2009, 02:29 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutMeg76 View Post
If anyone gives you trouble about having a service ask them what they would do if one of their children died, ask them if their child is important even to remember. There was one person who said to me, "It was a nice service, not something I would have done though." I wish I had thought at the time to ask them what they would do if their own child had died.
Who the crap CARES what they would have done? I went with a roommate to her grandfather's funeral my freshman year of college, and it was totally not like anything I would have done. But that doesn't matter because it was for HIS WIFE and his KIDS and not for me. I didn't criticize anything, because it was what THEY needed. Stupid people. That just makes me angry.
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  #18  
October 22nd, 2009, 03:57 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yes I agree the service is very important. I am still so amazed at the attitude our own mothers have with us pertaining to our losses. How can they be like that???

My mother made my loss ALL ABOUT her in her mind (to the point other people would chastise her in front of me) because she is always about doing and saying anything to be the center of attention and she also fabricates tons of stories and provides inaccurate information all the time to try to pit everyone against each other. And when she is confronted she either becomes childishly angry or laughs very strangely like it is some big funny joke to her that is so hilarious.

It's sad when another mother can't understand what it is like. Ugh!
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