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32 weeks along, and starting to panic more often :(


Forum: Stillbirth

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  #1  
October 25th, 2009, 09:36 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Yesterday was a highly emotional day for me, but I can't exactly pinpoint why. I am 32 weeks along with Pippi, I am now seeing a diabetes educator once a week, I take two types of insulin, I am seeing my OB every other week, and I am seeing the perinatologist twice a week. The stress of all the appointments shows in my blood glucose results, and the fact that I constantly feel like I'm living my life under a microscope is enough to make me crazy, but there's another reason I am feeling so anxious.

32 weeks gestation is when the doctor announced that he couldn't find Noah's heartbeat. And it makes me so very anxious to go to the perinatologist twice a week because I am panicky EVERY*SINGLE*TIME I go.

On the one hand, I am thrilled that they are monitoring me this closely --- even last year, I wasn't looked at this often. So it seems that every 3 (or so) days, I get to see Pippi and get confirmation that her heart is still beating, that the blood flow through the cord is moving steadily, and that everything is looking absolutely wonderfully. On the other hand, however, I'm feeling like maybe there is something they're not telling me and they are monitoring me closely in case this "something" that they're not telling me gets out of hand and they'll need to admit me to L&D immediately after one of these appointments ... just like they did last year.

And of course, I can't tell this to anybody because nobody else gets it
If I tell someone I'm worried, I get a "everything is going to be fine" or "you only have a few weeks left" or "I'm sure everything is going to be okay."

I just lost it yesterday and cried because I'm at the point that EVERYTHING is just getting to me because (as I put it) I'm doing everything I can for Pippi and what if something happens AGAIN.

*whew*

Thanks for letting me vent, as usual. I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way, but ****it --- this feeling is friggin' exhausting already!
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  #2  
October 25th, 2009, 10:03 AM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm on my way out right now so I can't write much but as you know - I completely understand how you feel. I am glad we have these wonderful ladies to help us get through these last couple of weeks - for me...the most stressful weeks.

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  #3  
October 25th, 2009, 04:00 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh yeah with that many appointments I would be worried they were worried too. And I don't have as many appointments as you righ tnow but with a weekly NST, BPP and OB check it is starting to feel stressful too.

And the gestational week we found out Roald died I nearly went bonkers this pregnancy.

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  #4  
October 25th, 2009, 04:24 PM
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I cannot express how much of the same I feel. I start twice weekly NST's next week, then around the time I lost Robert (34 weeks), I start 3 times a week NST's. Plus I work full time. I spent the other night crying because I have no time to do anything. Our dog, house, cats, and friends are all neglected. I am so scared of what will happen to me mentally when I hit the week of which I lost Robert. I am so scared. My heart goes out to you because I am sitting here dreading it and you are living it. No one understands how it feel besides those who have lost a child. I went off on my OB the other day because he is one of those "it will be okay" people. It will not be okay ever again. We are all missing children we shouldn't be missing. And new ones do not take the place of the original ones. All I can say to you is I wish you as much peace as you can find to get through this hard time. It won't get easier but you will somehow get through it.
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  #5  
October 25th, 2009, 09:25 PM
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I cannot even start to imagine what you must be going thru. I guess you just somehow need to force yourself to beleive that everything is going to be OK. It's a different pregnancy, a different baby.

Hugs!
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  #6  
October 25th, 2009, 09:36 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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With Erin I was induced at 38 weeks exactly because I lost Cora at 38w1d. With Patrick though, he was born 39w3d. Every single one of those 9 days that I was over my loss point was so terrifying. Every morning I'd lay in bed on the verge of tears until he kicked me, because I was so sure I was going to wake up and he would be dead. And then the nightmares started, so they induced.

I had twice weekly appointments, and honestly a panic attack before every one. I'd go from a great NST to my BPP and as I was sitting on the table I'd be holding my breath because I was afraid that in those 2 minutes he had died.


It's not rational. It's not. And I think the extra monitoring in a way makes it harder. More opportunities to relive the bad news.



It WILL be okay though!
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  #7  
October 26th, 2009, 08:40 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
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Many hugs to you. Did they ever find a cause of death? I can understand the extra monitoring, especially if there was no known cause. Are you a diabetic? Maybe it's their way of being extra careful and aware and wanting to cover their bases.

I have my last u/s this Thursday. I'm not sure about NSTs and BPPs since Duncan's cause of death was due to cardiac problems. I know I'd like the extra monitoring for reassurance, though. I look forward to getting passed 35 weeks. I want to get past that hurdle.
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  #8  
October 26th, 2009, 08:55 AM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
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Moms, thanks for just being here for me to vent to and especially the extra hugs. I knew you'd all understand and I'm just thankful that you all listen with an equally sympathetic heart.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuxAeterna View Post
Many hugs to you. Did they ever find a cause of death? I can understand the extra monitoring, especially if there was no known cause. Are you a diabetic? Maybe it's their way of being extra careful and aware and wanting to cover their bases.
Yes, they did find the cause of Noah's death. There were three key points on the autopsy report, but ultimately, it was a cord accident that cause Noah's stillbirth. I would like to say "what are the chances that another pregnancy will end due to a cord accident?", but I didn't dare even think that the first time around. I was not "the kinda people" this was supposed to happen to, but I quickly learned that I AM "the kinda people" this happens to

And while I am not a diabetic pre-pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and the perinagolotists I am seeing say that they want to see me twice a week now is due to my taking insulin; they want to closely monitor the baby's growth. They tell me that yes, this is their way of being careful but in my mind, I "hear" something totally different, ya know?

And I know this sounds REALLY dumb, but I still haven't officially announced my pregnancy to my co-workers because in my mind, I don't want to have to share good news with people who didn't seem to give a $#it about Noah's death in the first place, so why put myself in the situation of having to explain another mishap in case it happens (I know, I know --- TOTALLY irrational thinking, but you know I can't help it).

Another "new normal", I guess. So, so frustrating
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Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).





*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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