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Ella was born 2 weeks ago today...I Think back to 3 weeks ago, the day I found out she was gone...I thought the world was going to end, I felt like I couldn't go on living...Last week I still felt pretty awful...I'm still crying every day because I do miss my baby girl so much and i'd still do anything to have her back...On the brighter side, I don't feel like it's the end of the world, and I do know that eventually I can go on with life...Maybe it's because I know she's cremated now (I got the call yesterday saying that she's ready to be picked up when I bring the urn in), and I know she's at peace, but i'm feeling alright today...I haven't cried yet, and maybe i'll make it a day without crying, maybe I won't...Who knows, tomorrow might be an awful day and I might spend the whole day crying, I don't know...I did stop bleeding yesterday, which i'm glad about because it was just an awful reminder of what happend...I also put a few pictures of Ella up in my room with her hand and footprints...I'm also going to keep her ashes in here too...I'm not ready for them to be in the livingroom...My 3 year old son sees her pictures and says "eww gross"....I know he's only 3 and can't help it, but it bothers me, so i'll just keep them in my bedroom for now...I'm tired of being sad and depressed, but at the same time I don't want to be happy, it makes me feel like i'm dishonoring my baby girl if i'm happy...I'm not happy, and i'm sure it's going to take some time, but will the guilt feeling ever go away?
it will never fully go away. I lost my daughter over a year ago and i still feel like that, but somehow i find the strength to go on. Its very hard.. but sooner or later you will find different things to help you through it.