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I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling pretty down lately. I get these unexpected moments of sadness and just start crying. I can hardly keep it together at work. Before, someone or something would have to trigger it for me, now it just starts all of sudden. Maybe it's the start of a holiday season or the fact that dh and I started talking about making an appointment to pick a stone for his grave, I don't know. Maybe I should start seeing a therapist....
I think therapy probabaly is not necessary however if you feel it would benefit you then I would go for it. But honestly I think all of us have times like this. I know I was a basketcase the first 2 months. Then it lessened a little bit. Then around his due date (he was premature) it got bad again. Then less again. Then after his stone was installed 6 months after his birth I felt like it was final and I got bad again. Then in late June I got a really really bad depressed streak. It lasted almost a month straight. Crying and crying...obsession with the mementoes...regrets...blaming myself...vivid flashbacks...seclusion...doing all the exact things I did in the first weeks after his death to try to make it feel as if I was back at that time again, so I could be "closer" to him. I thought I was started to lose it. Then one day it sort of was back to "less" again. And now with his birthday approaching it's coming back slowly.
I think it's just our lot in life. But if you feel there is a major problem looking into help wouldn't hurt either.
I am one who really, really needed therapy. I went to a psychologist, pregnancy loss support group, therapist, and many months after losing Katrina, I started with a psychiatrist. I think it really is something you may want to consider. I felt much better when I could just talk about my Katrina and get all my emotions out without people judging me...kind of like coming on here, but being able to actually cry in person to someone.
Sometimes there really is no reason to have those difficult/emotional times...it can just be so many different factors that build up and make us very emotional. The holiday season was a very difficult time for me last year - basically because Katrina's due date was supposed to be in December 2008.
I started seeing a therapist back in March of this year even though Noah was born sleeping in July 2008. The fact that I struggled with infertility and treatments in the first place only to lose a baby hit me very, very hard. Pair that with our families living 1700 miles away from us, getting no real support from our families otherwise, not ever being able to have the opportunity to mourn the loss of one twin while celebrating the life of the other ...
I felt like I needed to be able to talk about Noah in a setting where I was not going to be interrupted, where I could cry freely, where I could get angry and not be told 'at least you have a living baby' (and all other stupid comments that I know a lot of us have heard ...). There was a lot of other stuff that started to surface as well (being sad about living so far away from said unsupportive family, living so far away from friends), but in the end, I learned quite a bit about coping with this tremendous loss on my own. And I learned that good days, bad days, and raging-like-a-bat-out-of-hell days were perfectly normal to have as it was all part of the grieving process.
I still have my days (and I think DH STILL doesn't understand them), but they are not so close together nor are they so sad to the point that I don't want to live anymore. It's not ALL the therapist's doing; much of it is coming here and being amongst those who have BTDT.
Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!
I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).
*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*