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I'm so scared with every day that passes. I feel the pain and the sting all over again. I've started my nightmares about the day I was admitted, the day I had him.
His birthday is coming up Nov. 26th. I think I need to be sedated. I want both of my babies. It's not fair that for his first birthday, I'll be taking toys to his grave. Instead of him having his own cake and smearing it all over his face, I have to take pictures of his headstone. I wonder would he have been like Kaden, would he had as much hair? Would he be short and fat, or long and lanky like his brother. Would he have been a good baby, full of giggles and coos, who loves to be cuddled and held tight?
I love Kaden but sometimes I wonder if he really likes me, or just tolerates me. I guess it is my insecurities. A lot of times, he doesn't want me to hold him, he gets ill when I try to cuddle, but if I had him to his dad, he coos and sinks into him. I think that kind of hurts a little too, like I've lost one, and worked so hard to get the second here, and I'm not wanted.
Will it ever get better? I hope the older he gets, the more he'll want his mommy. Because I need the love and affection, sometimes I feel like touching him is all that keeps me going.
It's possible that it's because he can sense your anxiety. I understand the feeling though, Erin did that to me for a while. I just had to wait it out, and then she went through a clingy only mommy stage. I hope it gets better for you. I'm sure it will after Keegan's birthday. The first birthday is hard.