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Hi girls! Sorry I haven't bee around much. Just been busy with things.
Dh and I were in Florida for the past few days, a well deserved vacation and it was so nice to be away. But at the same time so difficult to be there with all those families. A lot of people have no issues taking their new babies there. Some babies don't even seem to be more than a month old. It hurts me a lot when we go there. I couldn't help but to think about my girls and how if they were with me, they would be almost a year old already. I think of how happy I would be caring for them and playing with them and just having the time of my life. Then I step back into reality and realize I will never have that. I will never have the special gift of raising identical twin girls. I think knowing that it will be nearly impossible to have twins again stops me from wanting children. I know no other baby(ies) will replace my girls, but I just want them back so bad. I burn with sadness every day. I have no one to talk to about it. I was really happy to be pregnant again, I truly was but a sliver of sadness came over me when I found out it was just one. I really did hope that maybe it would be twins again. Then losing that baby, ooh.. the pain. I do sometimes get the "want" of a baby, but not enough to start trying again. I seriously am just way to scared.
Coming to this board has been so helpful. You girls really are caring, but with all the pregnancies flying around, it's been hard. I'm not complaining, but just voicing my feelings. I know you girls are so excited to be pregnant again and thrilled beyond all means but it just kills me because I should be right there with you. I should be pregnant now, about 6 months along and I'm not. I couldn't bring myself to respond to a lot of the posts cause it just hurt so much so I've distanced myself.
I've lost the closet people to me in my life and yet nothing seems to hurt this bad. I hurt today just as much as I hurt the day I gave birth. The grieving will never end. I will never be 100% happy again and it's so depressing to know this. If I had known this was going to happen to me I would have never tried for babies and I think knowing the pain that comes with losing your babies is so unbearable, it stops me from wanting to try.
And I'm sure with their birthday coming up it is all the more hard. I really miss you being around more here. You were one of the regulars when I joined and everytime I see one of them sort of disappear, even temporarily, it feels like a little piece of my JM hme is gone. Plus Kayla and Kaitlin were born so close to Roald.
You know I was just thinking about how alot of us have been a little bold in our posting stuff about our subsequent pregnancies in the main section of the board (I've been thinking about it the last few weeks but haven't said anything because my intention is NOT to offend anyone nor villify anyone...I've totally posted stuff about my current pregnancy in the main section too).
When anyone did that before I got pregnant again it hurt. I would still read and reply but honestly I remember it hurt like hell. And I'm sure if I had lost Vera or if I still wasn't pregnant again I would still feel that way. And this is something I have done myself. Sometimes I will only post a pregnancy-related thread in the main section of it has something to do with Roald and/or it's an urgent question I want to make sure anyone who might know the answer might see it or I guess if it's more "sad"; and if it in the private section. I've been trying to make sure all my happier or just current pregnancy-related posts go in the pregnancies and earth angels section. I think alot of us got lost in this huge pregnancy boom and so we just post out in the open because it seems like so many of us are in the same boat that subsequent pregnancy isn't so taboo on the main board. But there are those of you who have lost your subsequent babies or who are still trying to get pregnant or there are newbies whose Stillbirth loss is so fresh.
So I guess I'm saying I think that hurt you feel is totally understandable and substantiated. I guess I was too chicken to come right out and ask if posts about current pregnancies in the main section truly bother people or not because I've done it and I know others of us do it too and like I said I know no one does it with the intention of hurting anyone and I'm not perfect. But I personally think if it's so hurtful to even one or two members that they feel the need to leave what should be a support mechanism for them i ntheir grief that maybe it wouldn't hurt if we all posted our pregnancy and baby related stuff in the pregnancies and earth angels section??? I just hate to add to someone's hurt or see any members go. Yes, we put the *preg mentioned* there but well that still kinda hurt me back when I was a newer member here too.It's a board decision though, that's just my two cents.
I really miss you, Heather, Laurie...I think about all the ladies I don't see around really anymore.
awww Steph I'm so sorry for all you've gone through...you deserve nothing but the best. I'm glad you and DH were able to get away for a while...even though there were plenty of kids/babies where you went. It's always tough seeing others with a baby the age of our Angel or what have you. I know it's tough with your girls' Angelversary coming up, but please be gentle on yourself and you know we're always here for you.
And I just want to say that I'm truly sorry for posting about my current pregnancy in this main section...I do realize I'm pretty bad about that...and I do apologize to anyone if this has hurt them at all...that wasn't my intent what-so-ever I really have no excuse for not posting in the Our Pregnancies and Earth Angels section, I guess I just get carried away and you girls have all been so great to support me through all my ups and downs, that I guess I don't even realize I'm posting here sometimes, but I should know dang well I should be posting in the other section.
It must have been so hard being around families. That still kills me.
And, too, it must be so hard with all the pregnancies around. Ugh. I spent a long time feeling both happy for others and overwhelmingly sad for myself. Having a living child, or being pregnant again, is so much different from having *nothing*. Especially after another loss. I'm sorry sweetie.
Big hugs for you. I'm glad you poked in to say hi.
I suddenly have some idea of the pain you must be feeling. I was supposed to have triplets. God had other plans. We lost one triplet several weeks ago, and one was diagnosed with Turners Syndrome today and we are losing her too. I took a lot of pride in being the expectant mother of triplets. Now that dream is gone. I'll be lucky if we keep the last baby. I cannot imagine how much more it must hurt for you to have lost your girls. I think about you a lot, and I wish that I could somehow go back in time and bring your girls back.
I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish I could give you that guarantee that would give you the courage to try again. I was terrified enough as it was with only one loss behind me.
I know how it is to be surrounded by families. To get out of my apartment shortly after losing Cora I'd go to the park to read. Most of the time I could find a secluded spot, but there were always families I had to avoid. They seem to jump out at you.
Rebecca - I feel terrible for what you have to go through. I have been reading all your posts and it just breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. (more written in the private forum - FYI)
I thank you all for your love and support. I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings about mentioning the pregnancy topics in the main Stillbirth forum. I know you all don't do it intentionally and I understand all your excitement when the news is good, but don't think I wrote something hoping that it all comes to a complete end. Today happens to be one of the better days where I'm thinking I would like to try, but at the same time I'm still stuck. Eh, it'll pass. Right now actually would be a bad time for us, money just keeps getting tighter and tighter and I can't take it any more. I hate going to get the mail cause I'm scared there will be another bill or surprise that we owe money to someone. Ugh... Our best bet right now is to at least wait six months until things get a bit easier. Or to at least wait till the holidays are over.
Who knows... I'm sure I'll change my mind a million times.