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It's been 3 weeks today since Ella was born...It seems like time has gone so fast, but slow at the same time...I keep going for my other kids sake, but the only thing I look forward to every day is bedtime, so I can take a sleeping pill and go to sleep and not think of anything (I don't dream when i'm on those pills)...I hate getting up every morning because I hate facing the pain every day...I have moments where I feel fine, but it never lasts a whole day...I find myself becoming more depressed and angry...I'm still having a hard time seeing anyone or being around anyone...I'm supposed to go to a cancer specialist sometime next month, and they've been calling me to set up an appointment and I haven't answered the phone yet when they call....I don't want to have to deal with this, I just want it to go away...I know what they will tell me, so I just feel like there is no point in going, why waste my time...I know that i'm going to be told to wait to try for another baby...I also know that i should just do what I have to do, but I can't help but think in the back of my mind that I should just get pregnant on "accident"...My grandma is also very sick and in a nursing home...I'm supposed to go over in the next couple of weeks to my grandparents house with my aunt and cousins to help pack up the house and take what we want (My grandma wants us to)...It's so hard to do that because I have so many great memories of my grandparents at their house, and to know that she's not going to be around much longer, and her house won't be there anymore is so hard...I don't have to go, but I want to...I am going out this weekend with my cousin for a few hours...I'm looking forward to getting out of the house, but at the same time i'm also stressed about it...Thanks for letting me get a few things off my chest.
It will get better somewhat. I was too looking forward to go to bed in the beginning. It's been 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days for me today, and it's like it was just yesterday. I'm better when I'm busy with things, I get to forget what happened for a moment. Now I'm ok around people especially the ones that don't know. It's hard to be around family and friends though. Sometimes I feel that I need a new job, new friends and new neiborhood to live in so nobody knows about my situation. I'm also tired of feeling sad and angry like I do right now. I miss my old life. I miss my life, my personality, my relationships and friendships from before this tragedy took away the spark I once had... I don't want to hijack your post. It will get better.
It's okay, it's nice to know that we aren't alone in our feelings.
it seems like everytime I start to move on a little, I take 2 steps back...I get constant reminders daily...I'm not sure if i'm just more aware of things or what....Last night was my daughter's first indoor soccer game....There were some new girls on the team...One of the mom's was my nurse in the hospital....I remember her because she told me she lost a baby girl at 20 weeks....She was also a nurse that came and moniterd the baby after my thyroid surgery....She kept looking at me, i'm sure I looked familure, or maybe she did remember me...I was going to say something to her, but I chickened out...I knew I might start to cry....Now every wed (Ella was born on a wed) i'm going to see my nurse at these soccer games, and i'm going to remember being in the hospital in labor...It's going to be so hard.