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So tonight my daughter's soccer team had a party for the end of the fall season...It was at a friends house...I haven't really been around these people much since I lost Ella, and i've actually only have talked to a couple of them...It was akward for me...I felt like people are affraid of me, and I feel like they stare at me too...I kind of stood in the corner alone, and only the 2 that i've talked to were the only ones to even attempt to have a convo with me...Some people smiled and said hi in an akward way...It's fine because I didn't care to talk to anyone anyway...Then some new people walked in (their daughter was new on the team this year) with a baby girl...The guy was real loud and talked the whole time about how great his baby is etc...It was so hard to sit and listen to that...I had to hold back tears the whole time...Then one of my friends came and asked how I was doing...She wanted to know if it was alright if she asked if I knew anything (about what happend to Ella)...I told her that was fine, and told her that I haven't heard anything about the autopsy yet...I did tell her about Ella's umbillical cord...She then went on and on that there was a reason for her, and for this to all happen (I think she ment finding out I had cancer etc)...I wanted to cry so bad, and say something like "there was no reason, and she shouldn't of died and she shouldn't of been taken away from me"...It was just so hard to hold back the tears, and I still feel like i'm going to cry...I was going to take an anti anxiety pill before i left and I forgot...I also forgot to mention that yesterday I took my 6 year old daughter to her first friend birthday party...I didn't know the people and I didn't want to stay for 2 hours so I went across the street and did my grocery shopping...I got back a little early and the dad offered me a seat...He kept trying to make conversation with me and asked about the run the school just did...He told me that his daughter made over 250$ and I said "oh wow, my kids didn't make anything"...I then felt like an idiot and explained that I had been in the hospital right before the run, so I didn't have the time or energy to collect money for them (I didn't want him to think I was a dead beat mom)...I didn't think anything of it, and then a minute later he said "oh what were you in the hospital for"...I was caught off gaurd because I would of never asked anyone that, I would of left it alone...After a long pause I figured i'd just tell the truth...So I said that I had just had thyroid cancer surgery and I had a baby and before I could say "stillborn" he seemed to get happy and was going to ask me about it and then I just blurted out "stillborn"...It was really weird and akward and I felt bad for him because he didn't know what to say...So I then changed the subject and pretended like I never even mentioned it.
It's so difficult when your loss is still so new. Especially when you tell people who haven't been through a stillbirth loss. They get all weird and don't know how to react and especially don't know what to say. It sucks cause while you are still grieving you have to kind of be sympathetic to these people cause they are such morons. They don't get that a simple "I'm sorry" would mean the world to you. We weren't brought up understanding stillbirth and if you had loss your grandma, so to say, it's easier for people to discuss that cause it's more understandable than stillbirth. People aren't accustomed to it and just automatically turn into morons when it's mentioned.
I had similar feelings when I first got back to work. Before I went on maternity leave we were in a different office with more privacy, I had my own office which I wished I had now so I won't have to face all the people. When I came back, we were all in a different office sitting 5 people next to each other. Everyday for the first week I felt like everyone was staring at me. Also the way I sit now I face my bosses office with all the pictures of his kids as babies. It was so hard in the beginning, no matter how I turn I could see his babies pictures. I am ok now, I don't feel like people staring at me anymore. I also had a few akward moment where some people at work who didn't know asked me about Eric, and upon learning what happened just changed the subject or ran away.